Almost got into an accident, how to deal with in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was crossing the street yesterday morning. The crosswalk light was green the entire time. When I was halfway across, a car made a left turn and cut me off. He literally was like 3 feet away. I was angry, looked at the driver, and it’s my BIL, which made me even angrier. He didn’t look over and I was too stunned to react in the moment, just hurried the rest of the way to the sidewalk.

I was carrying an umbrella, wearing my baby, and also wore brightly colored rain boots. No way he didn’t see me. I distinctly remember seeing his car sitting in the left turning lane before I got to the intersection. He turned from a big road onto a one-lane residential road with no lane markings. We all live in the same community so know the intersection well. In fact, a few months ago, he was outraged that a car almost ran him and his child over at the same intersection.

I’m not close to BIL. We only see each other at family gatherings and do not text or anything like that. So I thought it would be best for my DH to talk to his sister about it. She actually called her husband a “safe and cautious driver” before hearing the story, but agreed to talk to him that night. SIL texted later that night to say BIL started going because he thought he would have plenty of time. But then I started walking a lot faster than he thought, and he couldn’t stop because traffic was coming in the other direction. He felt bad right away and knew he probably made me panic. He is really sorry.

I don’t know what I was expecting his response to be, but in a way it’s worse because he knew it was me crossing the street with a baby and yet he made the conscious decision to make a left turn in the rain, into oncoming traffic, and a pedestrian on the crosswalk. If I was walking any faster, I’m pretty sure he would’ve hit us. Lesson learned for me is to continually turn my head in all directions when I’m walking.

How do I forgive and move forward from here? We don’t have any family gatherings coming up (thank goodness), but I’ll have to see him at some point.

We’re teaching our kids to drive and stress that in such a situation, it is better to get in a fender bender with an oncoming car than to strike a pedestrian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t believe you have followed up on it at all. It was just random that it was your BIL. Treat it as you would any stranger and let it go

+1 I would’ve immediately sent a joking text saying ‘thanks for almost hitting me’ with a meme attached.

You need to loosen up.

[Anonymous]

I would figure out what else is going on with me that I’m so desperate for my pound of flesh here.

[Anonymous]

He was hoping you didn't realize it was him and that it was just a stranger. That's it. You got your explanation (which sounds reasonable), so what else do you want to happen? I agree it sounds scary but what more is expected here?

[Anonymous]

Let. It. Go. It was an accident, he didn't deny it, and he feels bad. What more do you want? Groveling? Sackcloth and ashes? Him to hang his head in shame? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

BIL is sorry so forgive.

As far as moving on, I would acknowledge that he himself was outraged about a near miss at the same location not that long ago. Could he join forces with you and have a sit down with your town council member to discuss safety at that intersection? Perhaps the two of you could write separate letters to a safety commission demanding better signage, a stop light, etc. Make the intersection safer so this doesn’t happen to another driver or pedestrian again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have texted him immediately “DUDE! You almost killed me and Larlo! Not cool!”

The whole chain of communication makes it super weird.

same. Handle it in the spot and directly with the person involved or let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

OP, you are analyzing this WAY too much. I have four kids. I understand your concern, but you really need to dial it back. It was scary, but nothing happened and there will be hundreds of more scary things with your kids that you cannot control. Saying you now know who your BIL is, like this is a referendum on his character, is way over the top. He made a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. After reading your posts , it really sounds like you might benefit from therapy for anxiety. I truly think the biggest problem here is your reaction to the whole incident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

You are being really overdramatic here. BIL thought he could make the turn with lots of room and was wrong. Surely that’s happened to every single driver before, including you. He apologized. Your reaction at this point is ridiculous. If this event is causing you so much trauma, perhaps you should seek help.

[Anonymous]

He said he’s really sorry. What do you want exactly? Him to grovel at your feet? Fully fund your baby’s 529? Commit ritual suicide?

And yes, you should always keep your head on a swivel when crossing the street. Always. Especially with your children, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

NP. I’m saying this with all kindness, but you might want to get a checkup and do a screening for PPD/PPA. It sounds like you had a scary moment, and you’re realizing that we live in a dangerous world where you can’t protect your child from every danger. You might benefit from talking to someone who has experience helping new moms handle this transition. Your feeling upset is valid, but it also seems a bit oversized and hard to let go of. That’s an indication of anxiety. It’s not fun to feel that way, and I was able to enjoy parenting much better when I figured out how to deal with things and not get caught up in all the what ifs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I actually wanted him to reach out, either directly or via others, especially because he felt bad right away. He didn't apologize until he was called out. Like a previous PP said, maybe he was hoping I didn't recognize him. That was what I meant about showing his character. Mistakes happen, but willingly owning up to it goes a long way.

I will keep an eye on PPD/anxiety. Thanks to those who pointed this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

You are being really overdramatic here. BIL thought he could make the turn with lots of room and was wrong. Surely that’s happened to every single driver before, including you. He apologized. Your reaction at this point is ridiculous. If this event is causing you so much trauma, perhaps you should seek help.

This. Definitely overdramatic for a mistake that didn’t actually lead to an injury. I sort of hear what you are saying s out owning up to it, but since you weren’t injured, there’s nothing much to be gained by affirmatively apologizing to you, especially given your lack of close relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually wanted him to reach out, either directly or via others, especially because he felt bad right away. He didn't apologize until he was called out. Like a previous PP said, maybe he was hoping I didn't recognize him. That was what I meant about showing his character. Mistakes happen, but willingly owning up to it goes a long way.

I will keep an eye on PPD/anxiety. Thanks to those who pointed this out.[/quote

You sound ridiculous. Seriously, get some help because you need to let this go.