Almost got into an accident, how to deal with in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go OP. He owned up to it and apologized. Are you always this uptight?

You also sound anxious. Get yourself on an anti-anxiety med.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

Sorry, but you sound nuts, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually wanted him to reach out, either directly or via others, especially because he felt bad right away. He didn't apologize until he was called out. Like a previous PP said, maybe he was hoping I didn't recognize him. That was what I meant about showing his character. Mistakes happen, but willingly owning up to it goes a long way.

I will keep an eye on PPD/anxiety. Thanks to those who pointed this out.

But here’s the thing. If most people recognize that the healthy response is something like “wow, that was scary. Glad it wasn’t an actual accident. Time to move on with my day and be extra careful because I can’t rely on everyone else to be perfect 100% of the time.” Then most people wouldn’t think to reach out and apologize to someone whose contact info they don’t even have. It’s not necessarily a lack of character, it’s more like not making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m sure he felt bad that he made a mistake, but I’m also pretty sure that because it was a non issue, he forgot about it quickly until he was reminded of it when his wife’s brother called to complain about a thing that could’ve happened but didn’t. So he probably responded more apologetically than usual because it’s becoming a big deal and more people are getting involved, where typically people would resolve to be more careful and move on with their day.

I would agree with this except he was outraged when the same thing happened to him.

So if you knew this intersection was dangerous and that you clearly suffer from anxiety perhaps you shouldn’t have been “ wearing” you baby there.

[Anonymous]

Good grief. He didn’t hit you, wouldn’t have hit you (come on, now), feels bad, and has admitted it was him. You were mad and scared, but now let it go. There’s nothing more here to keep going. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to agree that you are overreacting. I would hope you don’t feel like you have to avoid him going forward at family events! That’s way overkill here, especially since he apologized and acknowledged feeling bad. Do you tend to hold on to hurts for a long time, or expect perfection in others?

OP here. No, I certainly don't expect perfection from others. I expect a basic level of human decency, which apparently is higher than other people's. Most recently, BIL was dealing with job issues. When I heard, I passed along contacts I had in his industry. To me, that's what families do, help each other out, even if we're not close. (Yes, I know the communication in this family is weird. Everything goes through DH/SIL re kids, MIL/FIL, etc. It's just the way it is.)

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

OP, I have a relative like you. You don't expect perfection, but you expect the world to live by your rules and your standards. Those who don't, are wrong. You offend easily and then become difficult to deal with as you expect the world and others to cater to you and your standards. You don't care to learn what other people's standards. You have "the right way or the highway" attitude and judge those who don't live by your standards and the world around you has to walk on eggshells for fear of violating one of your unwritten judgmental rules. You have a arrogance and condescension that you and your ways are always right. BIL had job problems, so you magnanimously passed on job contacts. I bet if he was appropriately grateful for your unasked for help, that you would have been upset and felt that he wasn't appropriately groveling to your magnanimity.

People like you are exhausting. Frankly, you would be doing your in-laws a favor by distancing yourself from them. Then they wouldn't always be waiting for the other shoe to drop in every encounter with you.

I hope you do a little introspection on yourself and figure out how to be more accepting of people as they are and not expect the world to live to your standards.

OP here. To the previous PP and the one who called me self-righteous,

I have an exhausting relative in my family too, so know what you mean. We're not alike. I'm actually a boring person to be around, go with whatever the group wants to do/plan for.

My problem was getting into a near-accident for the first time in my life. I was upset and things snowballed from there. I shouldn't have attacked BIL's character. I know that now. I was out of line and I'm sorry.

Re jobs: I got the same thanks! response for each contact I passed along.