women would this bug you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

Yeah, that kind of things tend to happen when you ***fail to provide all relevant details in your opening post.*** See how that works?

No, one poster made this assumption and wrote about it and others took it as the truth.

No, you were unclear.

After your clarifications, I am even less on your side.

You emphasize this was his family's wedding, that he ordered the tuxes, that he packed the wrong ones. Ok, he screwed up. But why do YOU care? It sounds like this was a task that was important to him and he screwed it up. If anyone in his family is annoyed by how your son looked, direct them to your DH who handled it. I personally would not care about photos from a wedding from my extended ILs, that's not my issue.

This is not a story about your DH messing up something that actually matters. I mean, if he is doing stuff like forgetting to take kids to activities, picking them up an hour late from daycare, feeding them garbage, etc. -- then I'd care. But this is just a pointless thing involving his family that he messed up. Whatever. I just wouldn't think that much about it either way. If it had been important to him or someone in his family, they should have made more effort to get it right.

Of course, if it was important to you, then you should have participated to get it right. Not because you're the mom and moms have to do everything (I'm a mom, I don't do everything and don't think I have to), but because if something matters to you, don't outsource it to someone else and then get mad when they don't do it perfectly. Your DH doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

No he’s in the wedding party and was in charge of packing all men’s formal wear in his garment bag. I packed the general suitcases.

Well, he made a mistake, but the kids were clothed, the wedding went ahead, and I assume the bride and groom are still speaking to your family. It’s annoying, but I guess it’s not really that big a deal.

I think the weirdest part of the story is that the kid wears 4T and the two size choices were 4T and 7/8. If my kid is borderline, I usually get their current size and the adjacent size. If I think their size is somewhere in a span of 4-6 different sizes, they go with me to the store to try it on so I don’t have to spend an extra $170 and risk this level of confusion. I’m not sure how my husband would’ve handled the size question, but if he agreed to be in charge of tuxes, I’d let him handle it and try to remember to find something complimentary to say about his efforts, like he does for me even if I burn dinner or forget an ingredient and it tastes funky (we both work, but I make dinner).

[Anonymous]

OP, are we right to assume you used this error by DH to go around all wedding weekend talking smack about him to the family? "Oh DH packed Jr's tux, isn't he an idiot, aren't all men useless." "You can't trust a man to do anything important."

Something tells me you did, wanting people not to think the (very mild) screwup was YOUR fault in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

No he’s in the wedding party and was in charge of packing all men’s formal wear in his garment bag. I packed the general suitcases.

Well, he made a mistake, but the kids were clothed, the wedding went ahead, and I assume the bride and groom are still speaking to your family. It’s annoying, but I guess it’s not really that big a deal.

I think the weirdest part of the story is that the kid wears 4T and the two size choices were 4T and 7/8. If my kid is borderline, I usually get their current size and the adjacent size. If I think their size is somewhere in a span of 4-6 different sizes, they go with me to the store to try it on so I don’t have to spend an extra $170 and risk this level of confusion. I’m not sure how my husband would’ve handled the size question, but if he agreed to be in charge of tuxes, I’d let him handle it and try to remember to find something complimentary to say about his efforts, like he does for me even if I burn dinner or forget an ingredient and it tastes funky (we both work, but I make dinner).

The extra suit was for my 7 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are we right to assume you used this error by DH to go around all wedding weekend talking smack about him to the family? "Oh DH packed Jr's tux, isn't he an idiot, aren't all men useless." "You can't trust a man to do anything important."

Something tells me you did, wanting people not to think the (very mild) screwup was YOUR fault in any way.

No I didn’t but have been yelled at by his parents for missing his parents bday gifts. And yes we have talked about it many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you do everything?

You mow the lawn and do all yard work? Hired out
You file your taxes every year? Yes
You hold down the breadwinning job? Equal
You do literally 100% of childcare and all tasks related to the children? I do 100 percent of the mental load with the children. He’s an involved parent.
You do all maintenance on and paperwork for all cars? Yes. He was 2 years behind on registration and we got pulled over on vacation.

Wow, you really should dump your loser husband who does nothing. Why did you marry such a low-value man? Best you could get?

No not a loser but we both have demanding jobs and I need him to carry more of the mental load of task management.

So…why are you here telling us that instead of talking to him and telling him that?

OP, it’s very telling that you are apparently unwilling or unable to answer this very simple question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dh is so careless with things sometimes. I put him in charge of the tuxes for my children who were in the bridal party and he didn’t check the sizes he grabbed before our flights (we had ordered one extra for my older son to try two sizes) so my 40lb just turned 4 year old had to wear a tux he was swimming in. I had no choice with an hours notice but to help him fold it up but it would have looked so much better and he was in so many pro pics. It was also $170 for each outfit. I told my DH he needs to slow down and just check what he’s doing because it happens a lot and his whole attitude was what does it matter if he’s wearing the right size or not? He’s normally a 4T and like I said we ordered and had it for him, it just didn’t make it in the suitcase. This is his family’s wedding.

I would be disappointed, but after it ages a bit, it will become a huge family joke for years.

[Anonymous]

If it's something *past* it doesn't bother me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

No he’s in the wedding party and was in charge of packing all men’s formal wear in his garment bag. I packed the general suitcases.

Well, he made a mistake, but the kids were clothed, the wedding went ahead, and I assume the bride and groom are still speaking to your family. It’s annoying, but I guess it’s not really that big a deal.

I think the weirdest part of the story is that the kid wears 4T and the two size choices were 4T and 7/8. If my kid is borderline, I usually get their current size and the adjacent size. If I think their size is somewhere in a span of 4-6 different sizes, they go with me to the store to try it on so I don’t have to spend an extra $170 and risk this level of confusion. I’m not sure how my husband would’ve handled the size question, but if he agreed to be in charge of tuxes, I’d let him handle it and try to remember to find something complimentary to say about his efforts, like he does for me even if I burn dinner or forget an ingredient and it tastes funky (we both work, but I make dinner).

The extra suit was for my 7 year old.

So he didn’t pack the younger son’s tux at all and packed two tuxes for the older child?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t put him in charge so I wouldn’t be bothered if he tried and messed up.

FYI- my husband recently mentioned how our son wore a mens small. He actually wears a L or XL. He looked shocked when I said that and I’m not sure why, since he can see his physical size compared to DH. Some men don’t have a clue about sizes.

[Anonymous]

Yes it was a stupid, careless mistake and the kids look a little like bozo at the wedding.

If he did this sort of mindless, careless thing a lot, I’d be highly concerned. He needs to get it together, maybe a therapist would work with him.

But if he was usually reliable, not forgetful, did things correctly, and this happened, I’d be disappointed but move on from it. He should still apologize and acknowledge the mishap. That’s mature as well, then both sides move on and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

Yeah, that kind of things tend to happen when you ***fail to provide all relevant details in your opening post.*** See how that works?

No, one poster made this assumption and wrote about it and others took it as the truth.

No, you were unclear.

After your clarifications, I am even less on your side.

You emphasize this was his family's wedding, that he ordered the tuxes, that he packed the wrong ones. Ok, he screwed up. But why do YOU care? It sounds like this was a task that was important to him and he screwed it up. If anyone in his family is annoyed by how your son looked, direct them to your DH who handled it. I personally would not care about photos from a wedding from my extended ILs, that's not my issue.

This is not a story about your DH messing up something that actually matters. I mean, if he is doing stuff like forgetting to take kids to activities, picking them up an hour late from daycare, feeding them garbage, etc. -- then I'd care. But this is just a pointless thing involving his family that he messed up. Whatever. I just wouldn't think that much about it either way. If it had been important to him or someone in his family, they should have made more effort to get it right.

Of course, if it was important to you, then you should have participated to get it right. Not because you're the mom and moms have to do everything (I'm a mom, I don't do everything and don't think I have to), but because if something matters to you, don't outsource it to someone else and then get mad when they don't do it perfectly. Your DH doesn't work for you.

Waste of $200 too.

[Anonymous]

The "you set him up" crowd is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are we right to assume you used this error by DH to go around all wedding weekend talking smack about him to the family? "Oh DH packed Jr's tux, isn't he an idiot, aren't all men useless." "You can't trust a man to do anything important."

Something tells me you did, wanting people not to think the (very mild) screwup was YOUR fault in any way.

Do you always make ridiculous assumptions or just on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

Heaven forbid an adult male has to act like an actual adult.


I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

No, I think the consensus is that if someone has adhd or never has tasks, it’s best not to put them in charge of important tasks, especially things that will be obvious to the public of done incorrectly. I probably would’ve put him in charge of packing replaceable clothes or cleaning out the fridge before we go if he’s never in charge of anything at home or if he’s so unreliable I can’t count on him to do his one job. That way, the worst result is I have to send him out for a couple outfits at target for the kids when we get to the destination, or we come home to some spoiled milk and stinky leftovers that he can toss.

Either this is a regular act of incompetence for him and you shouldn’t be surprised and should’ve been in charge of things you don’t want messed up, or it’s surprising because he’s usually so detail oriented in which case you should show some grace because he usually gets things right.

Encourage him to get evaluated for ADHD. Then if he has it, encourage him to treat it. Treatment is life changing for people coping poorly with ADHD and their families who are affected when their coping mechanisms fail.