women would this bug you?

[Anonymous]

Are you annoyed because of how it looked to others and that it was captured in pictures? Do you think others will judge you for the oops?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would be peeved. Everyone is going to claim that you're being picky, creating work for yourself, trying to make him do things "your way." But what they don't see is the broader perspective. Having your child wear clothes that fit to a formal event IS important. It's part of the overall network of social behavior, fitting in, showing that you care to other people, showing respect. This ONE incident probably doesn't matter -- he probably looked cute in the giant tux -- but it's part of a series of small things that do matter.

Left to his own devices, would your DH even have obtained a tux? Or would he have just sent the kid down the aisle in a t-shirt and jeans saying "it's just a wedding, who cares?" Or decline to let him be in the wedding party?

Your DH's failure to participate in the overall plan (and yes it matters that it is HIS family) belies the all-too-common attitude that all of this type of labor A) belongs to women and B) therefore is not important at all and women need to stop being naggy nags about it.

I don't have much advice to you about this except to suggest that you raise your conscience and understand that this is part of a broader pattern of how women get screwed when they have kids.

The best thing you can do is affirmatively fight for your own time and resources within the family. Make sure you are getting plenty of time for leisure and your own personal goals. Put yourself first. Your DH certainly does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the subtle “HIS family wedding,” like that matters. Like if it was your family, of course you would have done it yourself because that is important, but if it’s just his family…well then screw you, bride and groom, we’ll be there in pajamas.

Except ... that's not what happened. OP went to pretty great lengths to make sure that the child was dressed appropriately by ordering two different sizes. It was the DH who couldn't even make that tiny additional bit of effort. Left to his own devices yes, the child probably would be in pajamas at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

I can’t get past $170 outfit for kids for a hour for a wedding.
Yeah no. First mistake was agreeing to kids in a bridal party. That’s stupid in itself And to the poster saying the husband wouldn’t get a tux. Yeah why should he waste money on that.

A dark suit is fine for any wedding event.

In fact I can’t think of ever needing a tux ever since my
Wedding. Waste of money.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine why neither of you had the kids try the clothes on before they were packed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would be peeved. Everyone is going to claim that you're being picky, creating work for yourself, trying to make him do things "your way." But what they don't see is the broader perspective. Having your child wear clothes that fit to a formal event IS important. It's part of the overall network of social behavior, fitting in, showing that you care to other people, showing respect. This ONE incident probably doesn't matter -- he probably looked cute in the giant tux -- but it's part of a series of small things that do matter.

Left to his own devices, would your DH even have obtained a tux? Or would he have just sent the kid down the aisle in a t-shirt and jeans saying "it's just a wedding, who cares?" Or decline to let him be in the wedding party?

Your DH's failure to participate in the overall plan (and yes it matters that it is HIS family) belies the all-too-common attitude that all of this type of labor A) belongs to women and B) therefore is not important at all and women need to stop being naggy nags about it.

I don't have much advice to you about this except to suggest that you raise your conscience and understand that this is part of a broader pattern of how women get screwed when they have kids.

The best thing you can do is affirmatively fight for your own time and resources within the family. Make sure you are getting plenty of time for leisure and your own personal goals. Put yourself first. Your DH certainly does!

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be disappointed it happened but would not blame my DH. In this situation, you set him up to fail by doing 90% of a task, and asking him to finish it for you with the expectation he’d understand all the same context and details.

How was he supposed to know you’d ordered an extra for sizes? Did he know how much they cost? Was he even aware that this task was important to you? The biggest question mark here for me is why you went to the trouble of ordering multiple tuxedos, checking sizes, and then asked your DH to pack them. Why didn’t you just do it? If you needed help with packing, why not ask your DH to handle something that he had the right context for, like packing the kid’s non-wedding clothes?

You say this happens a lot but based on this example, I’m wondering if you frequently ask your DH to read your mind. You are mad at him for grabbing the wrong two of three identical black outfits. That seems unreasonable to me— he might not even have realized there was a third one.

His whole task start to finish was handle the kids wedding outfits. He ordered them. That’s a lot of assumptions on your part that aren’t reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you set him up. You ordered two tuxes for your kid and expected him to know that or to figure out which one to bring? Why? I mean, if he didn’t bring a tux for your kid, he mad. But this one is on you.

He ordered the tuxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine why neither of you had the kids try the clothes on before they were packed.

We did. When the tuxes my husband ordered arrived they tried them on and he didn’t return the one that didn’t fit and he took the wrong one. It was carelessness on his part.

We are both extremely busy. I carry the mental load of almost everything with our kids so in the last year I’ve asked him to handle any sort of travel, logistics and gifts with his family because there have been so many times where it hasn’t been communicated to me and there needs to be one point person. I think iota fair in a marriage to ask a DH to handle some things. Many men are taking it for granted they never have to sign the kids up for soccer or order that tshirt for the class play or get an eye exam before school starts.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.