women would this bug you?

[Anonymous]

In this situation I would have known to do the packing myself because it's important to me and I already know he wouldn't think to check the sizes. You need to work around his carelessness sometimes.

My husband is extremely careless and flaky and it causes a lot of stress and arguments. It's a big problem. But some things are in a category that I will always do myself and know never to even bother asking him for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

Yeah, that kind of things tend to happen when you ***fail to provide all relevant details in your opening post.*** See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would be peeved. Everyone is going to claim that you're being picky, creating work for yourself, trying to make him do things "your way." But what they don't see is the broader perspective. Having your child wear clothes that fit to a formal event IS important. It's part of the overall network of social behavior, fitting in, showing that you care to other people, showing respect. This ONE incident probably doesn't matter -- he probably looked cute in the giant tux -- but it's part of a series of small things that do matter.

Left to his own devices, would your DH even have obtained a tux? Or would he have just sent the kid down the aisle in a t-shirt and jeans saying "it's just a wedding, who cares?" Or decline to let him be in the wedding party?

Your DH's failure to participate in the overall plan (and yes it matters that it is HIS family) belies the all-too-common attitude that all of this type of labor A) belongs to women and B) therefore is not important at all and women need to stop being naggy nags about it.

I don't have much advice to you about this except to suggest that you raise your conscience and understand that this is part of a broader pattern of how women get screwed when they have kids.

The best thing you can do is affirmatively fight for your own time and resources within the family. Make sure you are getting plenty of time for leisure and your own personal goals. Put yourself first. Your DH certainly does!

This is the best response in the thread. A lot of sexism is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

[Anonymous]

Oh, so you do everything?

You mow the lawn and do all yard work?
You file your taxes every year?
You hold down the breadwinning job?
You do literally 100% of childcare and all tasks related to the children?
You do all maintenance on and paperwork for all cars?

Wow, you really should dump your loser husband who does nothing. Why did you marry such a low-value man? Best you could get?

[Anonymous]

Yes, his family he should handle it. A lot of times there’s a reason a woman prefers not to be the point person with her husband family. Maybe they are demanding and she doesn’t want to be put in the middle of any conflict as things come up with holidays and occasions, maybe they are not kind to her, maybe she’s just as busy and has a career just as demanding as her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you do everything?

You mow the lawn and do all yard work? Hired out
You file your taxes every year? Yes
You hold down the breadwinning job? Equal
You do literally 100% of childcare and all tasks related to the children? I do 100 percent of the mental load with the children. He’s an involved parent.
You do all maintenance on and paperwork for all cars? Yes. He was 2 years behind on registration and we got pulled over on vacation.

Wow, you really should dump your loser husband who does nothing. Why did you marry such a low-value man? Best you could get?

No not a loser but we both have demanding jobs and I need him to carry more of the mental load of task management.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you didn’t provide all the relevant details in your original post, so I’m not sure what you were hoping to gain from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you do everything?

You mow the lawn and do all yard work? Hired out
You file your taxes every year? Yes
You hold down the breadwinning job? Equal
You do literally 100% of childcare and all tasks related to the children? I do 100 percent of the mental load with the children. He’s an involved parent.
You do all maintenance on and paperwork for all cars? Yes. He was 2 years behind on registration and we got pulled over on vacation.

Wow, you really should dump your loser husband who does nothing. Why did you marry such a low-value man? Best you could get?

No not a loser but we both have demanding jobs and I need him to carry more of the mental load of task management.

So…why are you here telling us that instead of talking to him and telling him that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

No he’s in the wedding party and was in charge of packing all men’s formal wear in his garment bag. I packed the general suitcases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

Yeah, that kind of things tend to happen when you ***fail to provide all relevant details in your opening post.*** See how that works?

No, one poster made this assumption and wrote about it and others took it as the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

No, I think the consensus is that if someone has adhd or never has tasks, it’s best not to put them in charge of important tasks, especially things that will be obvious to the public of done incorrectly. I probably would’ve put him in charge of packing replaceable clothes or cleaning out the fridge before we go if he’s never in charge of anything at home or if he’s so unreliable I can’t count on him to do his one job. That way, the worst result is I have to send him out for a couple outfits at target for the kids when we get to the destination, or we come home to some spoiled milk and stinky leftovers that he can toss.

Either this is a regular act of incompetence for him and you shouldn’t be surprised and should’ve been in charge of things you don’t want messed up, or it’s surprising because he’s usually so detail oriented in which case you should show some grace because he usually gets things right.

Encourage him to get evaluated for ADHD. Then if he has it, encourage him to treat it. Treatment is life changing for people coping poorly with ADHD and their families who are affected when their coping mechanisms fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I asked him a week ago if he returned the one that didn’t fit and he said no and I asked before if he remembered the tuxes. He then packed them abd I reminded him he needed to get the shoes as well.

I need him to handle this because it’s his family and he’s in the bridal party and on all the communication and in the wedding party too. I didn’t get all the emails, updates etc. what to order.

Then…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US? Sounds like you told him he was in charge, he failed, and your kid wore a wrong size. What do you need from us? Would you like a cookie, a validation stamp, or urging for divorce? How can we help you know how to feel?

To what the con census is which is that women need to do it all and I’m wrong and setting him up for failure if he had a task.

Yeah, that kind of things tend to happen when you ***fail to provide all relevant details in your opening post.*** See how that works?

No, one poster made this assumption and wrote about it and others took it as the truth.

Yes, that’s what happens when you fail to provide all relevant details up front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t the proper one get packed if you had it? Was he in charge of packing the kids’ suitcases?

Nope. I packed all the kids suitcases. This was his one task.

I’m not understanding the situation. If he brought home the right size as well as the extra tux, and you packed the suitcases, did you not put the tuxes in the suitcases? Or did the wedding attire for the whole family go in a separate suitcase and he was in charge of packing that suitcase? I guess our family has a different system so I’m not understanding where the breakdown happened here.

No he’s in the wedding party and was in charge of packing all men’s formal wear in his garment bag. I packed the general suitcases.

Ask yourself why you still have to provide this missing detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you do everything?

You mow the lawn and do all yard work? Hired out
You file your taxes every year? Yes
You hold down the breadwinning job? Equal
You do literally 100% of childcare and all tasks related to the children? I do 100 percent of the mental load with the children. He’s an involved parent.
You do all maintenance on and paperwork for all cars? Yes. He was 2 years behind on registration and we got pulled over on vacation.

Wow, you really should dump your loser husband who does nothing. Why did you marry such a low-value man? Best you could get?

No not a loser but we both have demanding jobs and I need him to carry more of the mental load of task management.

So…why are you here telling us that instead of talking to him and telling him that?

Hmm?