women would this bug you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sick of people using ADHD as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

My goodness, it would be a factor in decision-making and division of labor, for sure. To ignore it would just be harder for everyone. My teenage niece has ADHD, and they know a lot about it and try different strategies and have routines and systems and techniques to help her succeed. It’s something people can learn to live with. There’s a college group at UMD that helps people with ADHD build life skills that has helped a lot of students do well in college.

[Anonymous]

OP has yet to answer this basic question:

If you “need your husband to carry more of the mental load and do more” as you say, then why are you on here yapping to us instead of having a conversation with him to tell him what you need?

It is very telling that you’ll gossip here about what you need, but you won’t actually tell him, directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be disappointed it happened but would not blame my DH. In this situation, you set him up to fail by doing 90% of a task, and asking him to finish it for you with the expectation he’d understand all the same context and details.

How was he supposed to know you’d ordered an extra for sizes? Did he know how much they cost? Was he even aware that this task was important to you? The biggest question mark here for me is why you went to the trouble of ordering multiple tuxedos, checking sizes, and then asked your DH to pack them. Why didn’t you just do it? If you needed help with packing, why not ask your DH to handle something that he had the right context for, like packing the kid’s non-wedding clothes?

You say this happens a lot but based on this example, I’m wondering if you frequently ask your DH to read your mind. You are mad at him for grabbing the wrong two of three identical black outfits. That seems unreasonable to me— he might not even have realized there was a third one.

NP, just wanted to say this is an insightful comment that I will try to remember for not setting my own DH up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be disappointed it happened but would not blame my DH. In this situation, you set him up to fail by doing 90% of a task, and asking him to finish it for you with the expectation he’d understand all the same context and details.

How was he supposed to know you’d ordered an extra for sizes? Did he know how much they cost? Was he even aware that this task was important to you? The biggest question mark here for me is why you went to the trouble of ordering multiple tuxedos, checking sizes, and then asked your DH to pack them. Why didn’t you just do it? If you needed help with packing, why not ask your DH to handle something that he had the right context for, like packing the kid’s non-wedding clothes?

You say this happens a lot but based on this example, I’m wondering if you frequently ask your DH to read your mind. You are mad at him for grabbing the wrong two of three identical black outfits. That seems unreasonable to me— he might not even have realized there was a third one.

NP, just wanted to say this is an insightful comment that I will try to remember for not setting my own DH up to fail.

Again, that’s another assumption.
He ordered it and did it from start to finish.. I really need, not want, him to take over more tasks especially involving his own family who he communicates more than I do and they get upset if I miss something when I’m not always in the email or text to begin with.

And for all the talk about ADHD, I, OP and mom actually *do* have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be disappointed it happened but would not blame my DH. In this situation, you set him up to fail by doing 90% of a task, and asking him to finish it for you with the expectation he’d understand all the same context and details.

How was he supposed to know you’d ordered an extra for sizes? Did he know how much they cost? Was he even aware that this task was important to you? The biggest question mark here for me is why you went to the trouble of ordering multiple tuxedos, checking sizes, and then asked your DH to pack them. Why didn’t you just do it? If you needed help with packing, why not ask your DH to handle something that he had the right context for, like packing the kid’s non-wedding clothes?

You say this happens a lot but based on this example, I’m wondering if you frequently ask your DH to read your mind. You are mad at him for grabbing the wrong two of three identical black outfits. That seems unreasonable to me— he might not even have realized there was a third one.

NP, just wanted to say this is an insightful comment that I will try to remember for not setting my own DH up to fail.

Again, that’s another assumption.
He ordered it and did it from start to finish.. I really need, not want, him to take over more tasks especially involving his own family who he communicates more than I do and they get upset if I miss something when I’m not always in the email or text to begin with.

And for all the talk about ADHD, I, OP and mom actually *do* have ADHD.

A) your diagnosis doesn’t mean he can’t have it too. Multiple people in a home/family/town can have ADHD. There’s no upper limit. Maybe he doesn’t have it but saying you have it has no bearing on his ADHD status.

B) you didn’t get to the point where you’re responsible for everything overnight, so you’re unlikely to change it successfully overnight. If you’ve assumed these roles over the years, you should probably have some sort of exit strategy or plan to hand over responsibilities to him. You can just say you’re done, but by doing these things for so long, you’ve agreed to take on that role, and he probably needs to work up to your level. Unless you don’t care if he’s successful, but you seem to because you’re complaining about him not doing well on this thread.

C) yes you do need help! You can’t do everything! The more you take on, the more you’re juggling, the more it’ll hurt when you start dropping those balls. Find a way to be a team and work together. If he has ADHD like you, then you know the importance of treating it.

[Anonymous]

So you haven’t answered the simple question of “why did you not sit down and tell DH you need him to do more and carry more of the mental load, instead of yapping about him on DCUM” because you have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Men are perfectly capable of making sure that a rocket launch goes successfully but packing the right size kids clothing? That is waaay too tough.