Funding family visit to our home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the last few years, we have funded my MIL’s trips to our house several times a year. With airfare increasing (and a second kid heading to college), it stings but it’s family.

About two years ago my husband’s sister moved in with his mom. Previously, she was living with his dad (nearby our home), but FIL passed. BIL has severe mental issues and cannot live alone but is fine staying home alone for 4-5 days.

In the spring we brought them both up for a family reunion. It was expensive between the hotels and airfare. Now my MIL apparently has it in her head that we will bring them both up every trip. She even offered to squeeze into our 3 bedroom home in lieu of a hotel.

Are we horrible to say no to BIL coming along? My BIL barely interacts with us. During the last visit he only came to our house or left the hotel when required. I don’t think he even wants to come, I just think she likes the idea of having both kids together (even though they have zero relationship with each other). While the two of them have savings, I don’t think it’s wise for them to touch it and there disability checks will not cover travel. In other words, it has to be a firm no; we don’t want them paying out of pocket.

You can't refuse caregiving responsibility and expect to also have say over their decisions.

It sounds like you need to face up to the elephant in the room here which is BIL's long-term care and support. Honestly, your DH cannot disavow responsibility for his brother and expect his relationship with his mother to be calm and happy. Its so, so hard to wonder what will happen to your child when you are gone. Your MIL is trying to find a solution and that's because she loves him.

I think you need a financial planner to help you understand the situation, the public benefits and how to get them, etc. And then you need to figure out what you are willing to do (for example, not willing to pay for things, but willing to visit annually or willing to be the financial manager and receive social security and pay bills with it). Then have a real talk with MIl and maybe pay for her to see a financial planner as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it costs less than flying you and your kids to see MIL, then I don't think it's unreasonable to share some of the expense. I pay half when my sister comes to see us, just because flying my kids to her would cost 4x that and be a giant hassle.

We are fine paying for MIL to visit. But bring the BIL doubles that cost. That is the problem and they really can’t afford to come unless we foot the bill.

Also since we last brought them, airfare and hotel costs doubled. So $150 airfare for one would now be $720 for two ($360/ticket). And whereas we could at least squeeze MIL in the house, now we would need a hotel for BIL.

MIL basically cried when we initially intimated this may not work. She thinks we can afford it and don’t want to see her.

Don’t intimate. Spell it out for her with numbers so she sees the full picture. It’s a lot to require your child to foot the bill for your visits.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. This is a tough position. As other posters pointed out, you need to find a solution before resentment builds up. I feel for your DH, as I have been in a similar situation. He might be fearing his mothers’s reaction as it is quite possible that she will have hurt feelings. I don’t quite understand how and why some relatives just assume that it is ok for family members to be paying for trips and other things (including tagging along extended family who have no interest in our family) over and over again just because someone is in a better financial situation (never mind sacrifices and hard work that have allowed for some of us to do well financially).
We kept quiet about financial part of the problem for a very long time until we realized that our kids are being ignored in this process (by the very same relatives). I complained and tried to explain, but faced a downfall that might have not been worth it. I wish you the best in trying to find a good solution for everyone involved. Just be kind to yourself and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the last few years, we have funded my MIL’s trips to our house several times a year. With airfare increasing (and a second kid heading to college), it stings but it’s family.

About two years ago my husband’s sister moved in with his mom. Previously, she was living with his dad (nearby our home), but FIL passed. BIL has severe mental issues and cannot live alone but is fine staying home alone for 4-5 days.

In the spring we brought them both up for a family reunion. It was expensive between the hotels and airfare. Now my MIL apparently has it in her head that we will bring them both up every trip. She even offered to squeeze into our 3 bedroom home in lieu of a hotel.

Are we horrible to say no to BIL coming along? My BIL barely interacts with us. During the last visit he only came to our house or left the hotel when required. I don’t think he even wants to come, I just think she likes the idea of having both kids together (even though they have zero relationship with each other). While the two of them have savings, I don’t think it’s wise for them to touch it and there disability checks will not cover travel. In other words, it has to be a firm no; we don’t want them paying out of pocket.

You can't refuse caregiving responsibility and expect to also have say over their decisions.

It sounds like you need to face up to the elephant in the room here which is BIL's long-term care and support. Honestly, your DH cannot disavow responsibility for his brother and expect his relationship with his mother to be calm and happy. Its so, so hard to wonder what will happen to your child when you are gone. Your MIL is trying to find a solution and that's because she loves him.

I think you need a financial planner to help you understand the situation, the public benefits and how to get them, etc. And then you need to figure out what you are willing to do (for example, not willing to pay for things, but willing to visit annually or willing to be the financial manager and receive social security and pay bills with it). Then have a real talk with MIl and maybe pay for her to see a financial planner as well.

PP, you are making up scenarios. Disavowing responsibility for BIL's care was not mentioned - in fact, the opposite is true (see page 2 of this post).

[Anonymous]

There is no way to manage someone with mental health issues from afar. It would be a terrible mistake to try to agree to a small amount of assistance for BIL after your MIL passes. It will drain the life out of you and cost orders of magnitude more than you think. It’s not sustainable over time and the BIL will end up where he would have been if you hadn’t gotten trapped anyway. He will be no better or worse but you and your family will be damaged. I can not express how horrible and difficult it is to care for a mentally disabled middle aged to older man.

You need to tell MIL now that if she wants to help him, she needs to start getting him on lists for group homes and any state benefits and programs that exist in her area. It takes a while and social workers will keep pushing him down the list if they think he has other options. She needs a transition plan in place in the event something happens to her.

He’s going to end up in a group home or on the street. A group home is a far better option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to manage someone with mental health issues from afar. It would be a terrible mistake to try to agree to a small amount of assistance for BIL after your MIL passes. It will drain the life out of you and cost orders of magnitude more than you think. It’s not sustainable over time and the BIL will end up where he would have been if you hadn’t gotten trapped anyway. He will be no better or worse but you and your family will be damaged. I can not express how horrible and difficult it is to care for a mentally disabled middle aged to older man.

You need to tell MIL now that if she wants to help him, she needs to start getting him on lists for group homes and any state benefits and programs that exist in her area. It takes a while and social workers will keep pushing him down the list if they think he has other options. She needs a transition plan in place in the event something happens to her.

He’s going to end up in a group home or on the street. A group home is a far better option.

OP here - I promise we understand all this but the situation is complicated because MIL also has severe mental illness and has been on disability for 22 years. We are very lucky that she has remained on her medication and in therapy the last 7 years so things have been ok. Before that we dealt with countless hospitals stays and some very, very bad financial decisions (we are now her POA but only as a result of decisions made during the last downward spiral). We are trying to get MIL to set up a trust but it’s not easy and if we push this, she may try to get rid of the POA. We are walking a very delicate line. I will add that my mother is also disabled (physically, she cannot walk), and her care has been the priority for the last couple years.

As an update, we spoke to MIL. We are paying for her ticket, she is paying for BIL’s ticket and hotel. They can’t really afford this and BIL will probably just hole up in the hotel the entire visit but I am not sure what else we can do. We protested pretty hard and tried to reason with her on the financial aspect.