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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For the last few years, we have funded my MIL’s trips to our house several times a year. With airfare increasing (and a second kid heading to college), it stings but it’s family.

About two years ago my husband’s sister moved in with his mom. Previously, she was living with his dad (nearby our home), but FIL passed. BIL has severe mental issues and cannot live alone but is fine staying home alone for 4-5 days.

In the spring we brought them both up for a family reunion. It was expensive between the hotels and airfare. Now my MIL apparently has it in her head that we will bring them both up every trip. She even offered to squeeze into our 3 bedroom home in lieu of a hotel.

Are we horrible to say no to BIL coming along?  My BIL barely interacts with us. During the last visit he only came to our house or left the hotel when required. I don’t think he even wants to come, I just think she likes the idea of having both kids together (even though they have zero relationship with each other). While the two of them have savings, I don’t think it’s wise for them to touch it and there disability checks will not cover travel. In [b]other words, it has to be a firm no; we don’t want them paying out of pocket[/b]. [/quote]

You can't refuse caregiving responsibility and expect to also have say over their decisions.

It sounds like you need to face up to the elephant in the room here which is BIL's long-term care and support.  Honestly, your DH cannot disavow responsibility for his brother and expect his relationship with his mother to be calm and happy.  Its so, so hard to wonder what will happen to your child when you are gone.  Your MIL is trying to find a solution and that's because she loves him.

I think you need a financial planner to help you understand the situation, the public benefits and how to get them, etc.  And then you need to figure out what you are willing to do (for example, not willing to pay for things, but willing to visit annually or willing to be the financial manager and receive social security and pay bills with it).  Then have a real talk with MIl and maybe pay for her to see a financial planner as well.
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