Funding family visit to our home

[Anonymous]

We pay for parents to travel to us, not siblings. You have been very generous for a long time, but don’t let people take advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

We are much wealthier than our parents and they bent over backwards to give us the best they could. It’s our pleasure to treat them to business class when they travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

LOL - you're confused that all families are not like yours? Okay.

We have to pay for my MIL to visit us, too, and I'm getting tired of it. OP, you need to be clear with her about what you will and will not pay for. It's not about what you "can" afford, it's what you will pay that won't lead to resentment. It's not your responsibility to pay for your MIL, BIL, etc. MIL may not like it, but that's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what I think

You say that you can afford to fly both of them out once every year to eighteen months. But that a couple of additional times a year, you would like to fly out just the MIL and she can stay in your house while BIL stays home.

That way you aren’t totally dissing BIL. Just explain the cost issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it costs less than flying you and your kids to see MIL, then I don't think it's unreasonable to share some of the expense. I pay half when my sister comes to see us, just because flying my kids to her would cost 4x that and be a giant hassle.

We are fine paying for MIL to visit. But bring the BIL doubles that cost. That is the problem and they really can’t afford to come unless we foot the bill.

Also since we last brought them, airfare and hotel costs doubled. So $150 airfare for one would now be $720 for two ($360/ticket). And whereas we could at least squeeze MIL in the house, now we would need a hotel for BIL.

MIL basically cried when we initially intimated this may not work. She thinks we can afford it and don’t want to see her.

Her tears are not your problem. You can't afford to bring both of them. Maybe tell her she can have one trip with everyone OR two trips with just her (or whatever makes sense for your situation) but that's all you can afford. She can choose if she wants.

[Anonymous]

Does she know the actual numbers? Knowing the costs of everything might help her see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the last few years, we have funded my MIL’s trips to our house several times a year. With airfare increasing (and a second kid heading to college), it stings but it’s family.

About two years ago my husband’s sister moved in with his mom. Previously, she was living with his dad (nearby our home), but FIL passed. BIL has severe mental issues and cannot live alone but is fine staying home alone for 4-5 days.

In the spring we brought them both up for a family reunion. It was expensive between the hotels and airfare. ...

So your DH's sister and brother live with your MIL. That's 3 round trip airfares and 2-3 hotel rooms. Are both of the siblings on disability and MIL retired or all 3 on disability? How do you deal with holidays? 2 in college should be an automatic cut for BIL and SIL and squeeze MIL into your house for a few days.

if you had wads of unbudgeted monthly cash there never would have a post on the subject. Those adult siblings are not your young adult children or college age kids. If BIL was living with FIL who is now deceased, was there inheritance money? MIL covers their housing and BIL+SIL if on SSDI could be pulling in 1600 to 3000k plus a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:use your words. you can no longer afford all these expenses. You have college to fund and retirement to consider. Be clear and decisive.

NP here. I just have to say that this poster is so annoying. I've seen you post this on other threads. OP is not a kindergartner throwing a temper tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she know the actual numbers? Knowing the costs of everything might help her see.

Exactly this. Present her with the numbers. Presumably flying her (and BIL and SIL) comes with tradeoffs for you, such as saving for retirement and college? If that's the case, your position is perfectly reasonable and all you can do is tell her firmly and with facts and keep the emotions out of it.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to pay for the MIL but not the BIL. It's probably zero fun for her to live with BIL and if she doesn't deal with him, who will?

It sounds like you need to see a financial planner, not just for this issue but for the bigger picture. What happens with BIL when your MIL can no longer take care of him, is this going to be your responsibility? If so, you need to get your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would continue to pay for the MIL but not the BIL. It's probably zero fun for her to live with BIL and if she doesn't deal with him, who will?

It sounds like you need to see a financial planner, not just for this issue but for the bigger picture. What happens with BIL when your MIL can no longer take care of him, is this going to be your responsibility? If so, you need to get your ducks in a row.

OP here - we are working on that aspect. FIL's inheritance is gone due to poor planning (now in the hand's of StepMIL's brother). MIL owns her home so that is good. But yes, BIL is an issue and one we worry about quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would continue to pay for the MIL but not the BIL. It's probably zero fun for her to live with BIL and if she doesn't deal with him, who will?

It sounds like you need to see a financial planner, not just for this issue but for the bigger picture. What happens with BIL when your MIL can no longer take care of him, is this going to be your responsibility? If so, you need to get your ducks in a row.

OP here - we are working on that aspect. FIL's inheritance is gone due to poor planning (now in the hand's of StepMIL's brother). MIL owns her home so that is good. But yes, BIL is an issue and one we worry about quite a bit.

I think if you get to a good plan on the big picture issues, the short-term issues will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

LOL - you're confused that all families are not like yours? Okay.

We have to pay for my MIL to visit us, too, and I'm getting tired of it. OP, you need to be clear with her about what you will and will not pay for. It's not about what you "can" afford, it's what you will pay that won't lead to resentment. It's not your responsibility to pay for your MIL, BIL, etc. MIL may not like it, but that's not your problem.

You are literally taking away from your kids to give to parents- how are the grandparents even ok with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:use your words. you can no longer afford all these expenses. You have college to fund and retirement to consider. Be clear and decisive.

NP here. I just have to say that this poster is so annoying. I've seen you post this on other threads. OP is not a kindergartner throwing a temper tantrum.

That poster speaks the truth and it’s good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I think

You say that you can afford to fly both of them out once every year to eighteen months. But that a couple of additional times a year, you would like to fly out just the MIL and she can stay in your house while BIL stays home.

That way you aren’t totally dissing BIL. Just explain the cost issue.

I think this is the compromise.