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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is no way to manage someone with mental health issues from afar. It would be a terrible mistake to try to agree to a small amount of assistance for BIL after your MIL passes. It will drain the life out of you and cost orders of magnitude more than you think. It’s not sustainable over time and the BIL will end up where he would have been if you hadn’t gotten trapped anyway. He will be no better or worse but you and your family will be damaged. I can not express how horrible and difficult it is to care for a mentally disabled middle aged to older man.

You need to tell MIL now that if she wants to help him, she needs to start getting him on lists for group homes and any state benefits and programs that exist in her area. It takes a while and social workers will keep pushing him down the list if they think he has other options. She needs a transition plan in place in the event something happens to her.

He’s going to end up in a group home or on the street. A group home is a far better option. [/quote]

OP here - I promise we understand all this but the situation is complicated because MIL also has severe mental illness and has been on disability for 22 years. We are very lucky that she has remained on her medication and in therapy the last 7 years so things have been ok.  Before that we dealt with countless hospitals stays and some very, very bad financial decisions (we are now her POA but only as a result of decisions made during the last downward spiral). We are trying to get MIL to set up a trust but it’s not easy and if we push this, she may try to get rid of the POA. We are walking a very delicate line.  I will add that my mother is also disabled (physically, she cannot walk), and her care has been the priority for the last couple years.

As an update, we spoke to MIL. We are paying for her ticket, she is paying for BIL’s ticket and hotel. They can’t really afford this and BIL will probably just hole up in the hotel the entire visit but I am not sure what else we can do. We protested pretty hard and tried to reason with her on the financial aspect. [/quote]

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