Funding family visit to our home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

LOL - you're confused that all families are not like yours? Okay.

We have to pay for my MIL to visit us, too, and I'm getting tired of it. OP, you need to be clear with her about what you will and will not pay for. It's not about what you "can" afford, it's what you will pay that won't lead to resentment. It's not your responsibility to pay for your MIL, BIL, etc. MIL may not like it, but that's not your problem.

You are literally taking away from your kids to give to parents- how are the grandparents even ok with this?

OP here. MIL lives on SS. If we didn’t fund this, it would mean she would rarely see her grandkids. $150 for tickets a few times a year was within budget for us and worth it considering My present issue is the rising cost of airfare combined with the expectation that we also pay to bring BIL, which means a hotel room as well. It’s about finding and communicating our limits to this arrangement.

While I am not someone who thinks adult children are their parent’s retirement fund, I think your views on this are a bit extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

LOL - you're confused that all families are not like yours? Okay.

We have to pay for my MIL to visit us, too, and I'm getting tired of it. OP, you need to be clear with her about what you will and will not pay for. It's not about what you "can" afford, it's what you will pay that won't lead to resentment. It's not your responsibility to pay for your MIL, BIL, etc. MIL may not like it, but that's not your problem.

You are literally taking away from your kids to give to parents- how are the grandparents even ok with this?

OP here. MIL lives on SS. If we didn’t fund this, it would mean she would rarely see her grandkids. $150 for tickets a few times a year was within budget for us and worth it considering My present issue is the rising cost of airfare combined with the expectation that we also pay to bring BIL, which means a hotel room as well. It’s about finding and communicating our limits to this arrangement.

While I am not someone who thinks adult children are their parent’s retirement fund, I think your views on this are a bit extreme.

I think you've got it figured out. You're saying it well here. If your husband is on board, then you should be able to communicate it to his mom. For what it is worth, I agree with you that it is entirely worthwhile to keep funding your MIL's trip to see your kids. You will never know how much impact it has on them but I am sure it is making a difference.

My own parents sacrificed for my dad's mom and sent her money each month to live on because her Social Security wasn't enough. Sometimes we kids did without because there just wasn't enough money that month. I don't remember being resentful. Instead my siblings and I learned that family sometimes sacrifices for family. It was instilled into us from our early days and it is part of our value system.

You will need to gently but firmly reinforce to your MIL that you want to see her, you value her trips to your house, and you're thrilled that you can invite her. You also want her to know that your BIL is invited, too. However, you can only pay for your MIL's airfare and hotel. You would love to see your BIL, too, but he will need to pay his own way.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT say that you would love for BIL to come or that he is invited!! Be clear with your MIL that these visits are just for her.

She may be thinking down the road that if something happens to her, you and your husband will fill her shoes supporting and caring for BIL. She’s trying to bring him to foster that relationship and you have to say no way and under no circumstances!

[Anonymous]

How far does she live? She can drive to you, take the train, or take the bus.

Do not let the BIL come and do not do anything to ever let them think you will care for him. Do not make this your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far does she live? She can drive to you, take the train, or take the bus.

Do not let the BIL come and do not do anything to ever let them think you will care for him. Do not make this your problem.

OP here - it’s definitely a plane ride.

[Anonymous]

Tell MIL it’s about $$ and that airfare and hotel costs have gone up so much that you have to cut back. It’s just about $$ not about your desire to see her (leave any discussion of your feelings about BIL totally out of this).

Tell her you’d still like to have her come 2-3 times per year (or however much you’re comfortable spending on her airfare) but that when she comes she’ll need to stay w you at your house since hotels are too $$. Don’t mention your BIL coming at all. if she asks if he can come say you could fly both of them out once per year or once every other year or whatever but that will mean fewer trips for MIL in between.

If I were your MIL I’d definitely rather come and stay w you rather than hotel if it meant I got to come more often and I’d also rather just come alone and leave BIL at home if it meant i got to come more often. I’m sure your MIL would ideally love for BILto come too so both her kids are together but she’s got to understand it’s not financially feasible to have him come every time or that having him come will reduce the # of trips she can make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

LOL - you're confused that all families are not like yours? Okay.

We have to pay for my MIL to visit us, too, and I'm getting tired of it. OP, you need to be clear with her about what you will and will not pay for. It's not about what you "can" afford, it's what you will pay that won't lead to resentment. It's not your responsibility to pay for your MIL, BIL, etc. MIL may not like it, but that's not your problem.

You are literally taking away from your kids to give to parents- how are the grandparents even ok with this?

OP here. MIL lives on SS. If we didn’t fund this, it would mean she would rarely see her grandkids. $150 for tickets a few times a year was within budget for us and worth it considering My present issue is the rising cost of airfare combined with the expectation that we also pay to bring BIL, which means a hotel room as well. It’s about finding and communicating our limits to this arrangement.

While I am not someone who thinks adult children are their parent’s retirement fund, I think your views on this are a bit extreme.

I think you've got it figured out. You're saying it well here. If your husband is on board, then you should be able to communicate it to his mom. For what it is worth, I agree with you that it is entirely worthwhile to keep funding your MIL's trip to see your kids. You will never know how much impact it has on them but I am sure it is making a difference.

My own parents sacrificed for my dad's mom and sent her money each month to live on because her Social Security wasn't enough. Sometimes we kids did without because there just wasn't enough money that month. I don't remember being resentful. Instead my siblings and I learned that family sometimes sacrifices for family. It was instilled into us from our early days and it is part of our value system.

You will need to gently but firmly reinforce to your MIL that you want to see her, you value her trips to your house, and you're thrilled that you can invite her. You also want her to know that your BIL is invited, too. However, you can only pay for your MIL's airfare and hotel. You would love to see your BIL, too, but he will need to pay his own way.

Thanks, I think you are right that we have the answer and just needs to work on how to express it. I am encouraging my husband to start solely with cost (your ticket is now X, BIL’s hotel and airfare is Y, we can only afford X). I agree with the posters below that we won’t say we would love BIL to visit (that would be a lie; H has no real relationship with him and the visits are uncomfortable for both of them). Rather I told him to state that BIL is welcome to come if he can afford airfare and hotel. Maybe MIL will reconsider who really wants BIL here (because as mentioned in OP, I really don’t think he wants to come either).

Now he just has to make the phone call, which feels easier said than done. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell MIL it’s about $$ and that airfare and hotel costs have gone up so much that you have to cut back. It’s just about $$ not about your desire to see her (leave any discussion of your feelings about BIL totally out of this).

Tell her you’d still like to have her come 2-3 times per year (or however much you’re comfortable spending on her airfare) but that when she comes she’ll need to stay w you at your house since hotels are too $$. Don’t mention your BIL coming at all. if she asks if he can come say you could fly both of them out once per year or once every other year or whatever but that will mean fewer trips for MIL in between.

If I were your MIL I’d definitely rather come and stay w you rather than hotel if it meant I got to come more often and I’d also rather just come alone and leave BIL at home if it meant i got to come more often. I’m sure your MIL would ideally love for BILto come too so both her kids are together but she’s got to understand it’s not financially feasible to have him come every time or that having him come will reduce the # of trips she can make.

OP here - thank you and I agree. I do appreciate these posts. I am showing them to H so he knows he isn’t a bad son/brother for doing this.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest. MIL we love you and really want you to visit. We'd love to see the SIL/BIL but its not in our budget to fly everyone out right now. Paying for one ticket vs. 3+ is very different cost wise.

[Anonymous]

Is this really about not wanting to spend more than a certain amount of money? Or is this really about not wanting to set the precedent of paying for things for BIL?

[Anonymous]

I’d strongly encourage you not to say that BIL is welcome if he pays for himself. Your MIL will dip into her savings for this. Don’t underestimate her desire for your husband to take up the reins of supporting BIL when she no longer can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this really about not wanting to spend more than a certain amount of money? Or is this really about not wanting to set the precedent of paying for things for BIL?

Does it matter? Aren’t both valid?

[Anonymous]

It seems like this is a proxy awkward situation for the real awkward situation, which is whether your DH and you will be paying for and dealing with BIL long-term. Maybe you need to address the elephant in the room here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this really about not wanting to spend more than a certain amount of money? Or is this really about not wanting to set the precedent of paying for things for BIL?

Does it matter? Aren’t both valid?

It does matter. Both are valid, but if it's about not wanting to spend the money, will they be happy with one MIL visit per year, made awkward by BIL's presence, because the dollar amount is the same? Or would they prefer three MIL visits (no hotel) and no BIL visit at all? Don't say it's about the money if it's really not about the money.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going to have to brace yourself for some intense pressure from your MIL for your husband and brother to “build” a “relationship”. She doesn’t just want to see her kids together she wants your husband to agree to be his future caregiver. Her expectation that you start paying for BIL to make several trips out with her and expectation that you can afford this is about setting up BIL’s future.

Your husband has zero relationship with him now so why would he divert money for your own retirement, kids college and your family life to support his sibling. However, if he’s already paying for his sibling to visit him several times a year there’s a good wedge in her mind to get your husband to do more. It’s a good idea to keep your distance from BIL and be prepared for some intense manipulation, anger, guilt trips, tears and badgering.

It’s a wildly inappropriate and harmful expectation to have of you and your husband, but from her perspective he’s her child and what will he do?