Funding family visit to our home

[Anonymous]

For the last few years, we have funded my MIL’s trips to our house several times a year. With airfare increasing (and a second kid heading to college), it stings but it’s family.

About two years ago my husband’s sister moved in with his mom. Previously, she was living with his dad (nearby our home), but FIL passed. BIL has severe mental issues and cannot live alone but is fine staying home alone for 4-5 days.

In the spring we brought them both up for a family reunion. It was expensive between the hotels and airfare. Now my MIL apparently has it in her head that we will bring them both up every trip. She even offered to squeeze into our 3 bedroom home in lieu of a hotel.

Are we horrible to say no to BIL coming along? My BIL barely interacts with us. During the last visit he only came to our house or left the hotel when required. I don’t think he even wants to come, I just think she likes the idea of having both kids together (even though they have zero relationship with each other). While the two of them have savings, I don’t think it’s wise for them to touch it and there disability checks will not cover travel. In other words, it has to be a firm no; we don’t want them paying out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Is BIL the sister's husband? And when you brought both of them up, you mean three people: MIL, sister, and BIL?

[Anonymous]

I would just say you can't afford it. And I also wouldn't get MIL her own hotel. Why can't she squeeze into your house? It just seems so presumptuous to make someone else pay for your airfare and hotel

[Anonymous]

If it costs less than flying you and your kids to see MIL, then I don't think it's unreasonable to share some of the expense. I pay half when my sister comes to see us, just because flying my kids to her would cost 4x that and be a giant hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Is BIL the sister's husband? And when you brought both of them up, you mean three people: MIL, sister, and BIL?

Sorry, that should say husband’s brother, not sister. So it’s my BIL and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it costs less than flying you and your kids to see MIL, then I don't think it's unreasonable to share some of the expense. I pay half when my sister comes to see us, just because flying my kids to her would cost 4x that and be a giant hassle.

We are fine paying for MIL to visit. But bring the BIL doubles that cost. That is the problem and they really can’t afford to come unless we foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it costs less than flying you and your kids to see MIL, then I don't think it's unreasonable to share some of the expense. I pay half when my sister comes to see us, just because flying my kids to her would cost 4x that and be a giant hassle.

We are fine paying for MIL to visit. But bring the BIL doubles that cost. That is the problem and they really can’t afford to come unless we foot the bill.

Also since we last brought them, airfare and hotel costs doubled. So $150 airfare for one would now be $720 for two ($360/ticket). And whereas we could at least squeeze MIL in the house, now we would need a hotel for BIL.

MIL basically cried when we initially intimated this may not work. She thinks we can afford it and don’t want to see her.

[Anonymous]

use your words. you can no longer afford all these expenses. You have college to fund and retirement to consider. Be clear and decisive.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Also, you're not getting 2 hotel rooms, right? MIL and BIL can share.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure this is frustrating. Suddenly all the thousands you have spent generously over the years are worth nothing. You're only as good as the most recent tab you've picked up. Have your husband handle this and tell them that they are welcome to visit, but you simply can no longer pick up the tab. Enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say no. Also, you're not getting 2 hotel rooms, right? MIL and BIL can share.

They shared for the family reunion and it didn’t go so well.

I need to give H the confidence to say no. He is dreading it, so seeing responses that this is not our obligation is helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only thing "horrible" is resentment. If, after being honest with yourself, you realize you are resentful - that is your answer. That is the only answer you need. Resentment ruins relationships. Resentment ruins relationships far more than the consequences of deciding to pay or not pay, for this or that.

[Anonymous]

Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

Same, but all families are different. Money rolls downhill in my family.

I would pay for MIL's airfare, but she needs to stay at your house. And two hotel rooms is ridiculous. Hotel rooms are $$$ these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people pay for parents to travel? This is confusing to me. You pay it forward to your own kids, not back to parents or siblings.

Unless you are fortunate enough to be more financially successful than your parents and you have a good enough relationship that you want to do this. Why is that confusing? In this case, it sounds like up until now it has been easier financially for OP and her DH to pay for his mother's plane ticket than for his mother on her limited income.

OP, this is hard but it's totally appropriate for DH to tell his mom that you still love them but your financial situation has evolved plus the price of tickets and hotels have gone up such that this isn't viable for you anymore. Perhaps they can discuss splitting the cost? Or tell her that you can afford two trips per year rather than the several that you've done in the past. It's not okay to put yourself in a financially less stable position.