College search has been so stressful so far

[Anonymous]

As a parent of a rising freshman (CS major at top 20 national university) as well as an older child in top 5 LAC, I have to say that there certainly were many anxiety provoking moments. However, there were times that were pretty memorable such as spending time with you kid visiting colleges. It helped that my kid got into a state university rolling admissions as that took some of the anxiety out. I think overall it is how you perceive the whole process. If you take the approach that it is do or die to get into a certain college(s), then yes it will be a very stressful time. If you have a nice balance of reaches/targets/safeties, and you and your kid are not focused on only one college, then it can be an exciting time exploring colleges, majors, new places, etc. So bottom line is much of it depends on you and your kid's perception. IMHO, much of the stress the kids feel are from their parents. So try to take a step back and enjoy the process a bit as it is a big milestone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this your kids job? If they can’t handle applying they’re not ready for college.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this your kids job? If they can’t handle applying they’re not ready for college.

THIS

Why do people come on here to say things like this? She’s just venting. Have you never helped your kid out with a big life thing? Don’t be mean!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a rising freshman (CS major at top 20 national university) as well as an older child in top 5 LAC, I have to say that there certainly were many anxiety provoking moments. However, there were times that were pretty memorable such as spending time with you kid visiting colleges. It helped that my kid got into a state university rolling admissions as that took some of the anxiety out. I think overall it is how you perceive the whole process. If you take the approach that it is do or die to get into a certain college(s), then yes it will be a very stressful time. If you have a nice balance of reaches/targets/safeties, and you and your kid are not focused on only one college, then it can be an exciting time exploring colleges, majors, new places, etc. So bottom line is much of it depends on you and your kid's perception. IMHO, much of the stress the kids feel are from their parents. So try to take a step back and enjoy the process a bit as it is a big milestone.

I have a rising senior and one in college. What surprised me the first time was how much I learned about my son. He's not a big talker so figuring out what was important to him and reviewing his essays gave me a window into his mind he'd never let me have before. I'm looking forward to that with DD. She already has three safeties she'd be happy to go to and look like they'll for our budget so we're not feeling very stressed about it. Safeties you love are really important.

Both my kids have ADHD so I absolutely was very hands on in the early phase of figuring out the list, helping DS put together the schedule, reviewed essays and proofed the common app. He took the lead as time went on and I had zero involvement (except to send money) once he was in college and he finished first year with all As and figured out his off campus apartment for next year.

If your kids needs help figuring out this brand new, massive research and project management job for the first time, that doesn't mean they aren't ready for college. They aren't supposed to be ready for college yet, they still have another year of growing and learning. If you do have a kid who is ready for you to be 100% hands off well good for you but don't assume that's the only way to be successful.

[Anonymous]

Can’t your kid do this their self?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a rising freshman (CS major at top 20 national university) as well as an older child in top 5 LAC, I have to say that there certainly were many anxiety provoking moments. However, there were times that were pretty memorable such as spending time with you kid visiting colleges. It helped that my kid got into a state university rolling admissions as that took some of the anxiety out. I think overall it is how you perceive the whole process. If you take the approach that it is do or die to get into a certain college(s), then yes it will be a very stressful time. If you have a nice balance of reaches/targets/safeties, and you and your kid are not focused on only one college, then it can be an exciting time exploring colleges, majors, new places, etc. So bottom line is much of it depends on you and your kid's perception. IMHO, much of the stress the kids feel are from their parents. So try to take a step back and enjoy the process a bit as it is a big milestone.

I have a rising senior and one in college. What surprised me the first time was how much I learned about my son. He's not a big talker so figuring out what was important to him and reviewing his essays gave me a window into his mind he'd never let me have before. I'm looking forward to that with DD. She already has three safeties she'd be happy to go to and look like they'll for our budget so we're not feeling very stressed about it. Safeties you love are really important.

Both my kids have ADHD so I absolutely was very hands on in the early phase of figuring out the list, helping DS put together the schedule, reviewed essays and proofed the common app. He took the lead as time went on and I had zero involvement (except to send money) once he was in college and he finished first year with all As and figured out his off campus apartment for next year.

If your kids needs help figuring out this brand new, massive research and project management job for the first time, that doesn't mean they aren't ready for college. They aren't supposed to be ready for college yet, they still have another year of growing and learning. If you do have a kid who is ready for you to be 100% hands off well good for you but don't assume that's the only way to be successful.

My kids don’t need mommy to apply to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

+1

The people who say their kids can do it all alone must be full pay. We are in real life over here and working side by side with our minor child to make this enormous decision that we are paying 100s of thousands for...

It's fine as a PP said.

then go the most economical way, community college then transfer to a state school. Jon the military and use the GI bill

lots of ways to get rid of the stress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a rising freshman (CS major at top 20 national university) as well as an older child in top 5 LAC, I have to say that there certainly were many anxiety provoking moments. However, there were times that were pretty memorable such as spending time with you kid visiting colleges. It helped that my kid got into a state university rolling admissions as that took some of the anxiety out. I think overall it is how you perceive the whole process. If you take the approach that it is do or die to get into a certain college(s), then yes it will be a very stressful time. If you have a nice balance of reaches/targets/safeties, and you and your kid are not focused on only one college, then it can be an exciting time exploring colleges, majors, new places, etc. So bottom line is much of it depends on you and your kid's perception. IMHO, much of the stress the kids feel are from their parents. So try to take a step back and enjoy the process a bit as it is a big milestone.

I have a rising senior and one in college. What surprised me the first time was how much I learned about my son. He's not a big talker so figuring out what was important to him and reviewing his essays gave me a window into his mind he'd never let me have before. I'm looking forward to that with DD. She already has three safeties she'd be happy to go to and look like they'll for our budget so we're not feeling very stressed about it. Safeties you love are really important.

Both my kids have ADHD so I absolutely was very hands on in the early phase of figuring out the list, helping DS put together the schedule, reviewed essays and proofed the common app. He took the lead as time went on and I had zero involvement (except to send money) once he was in college and he finished first year with all As and figured out his off campus apartment for next year.

If your kids needs help figuring out this brand new, massive research and project management job for the first time, that doesn't mean they aren't ready for college. They aren't supposed to be ready for college yet, they still have another year of growing and learning. If you do have a kid who is ready for you to be 100% hands off well good for you but don't assume that's the only way to be successful.

My kids don’t need mommy to apply to college.

Great. Here's your gold star. Happy now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t your kid do this their self?

We should first recognize that nobody — parent or child — should be placed in a position of having to play game theory with their family’s future. Instead of this thread’s parent and child finger pointing, the blame should be placed squarely on colleges. The solution is simple: get rid of EA, ED1, and ED2, life becomes less stressful for parent and child alike, and students get another semester to live their high school lives. How could that happen? We are in DC: pass a federal law protecting student consumers against these college shenanigans. Oh, wait. Since we are in DC, we know it’s laughable to suggest anything that would be so widely popular could ever be accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t your kid do this their self?

We should first recognize that nobody — parent or child — should be placed in a position of having to play game theory with their family’s future. Instead of this thread’s parent and child finger pointing, the blame should be placed squarely on colleges. The solution is simple: get rid of EA, ED1, and ED2, life becomes less stressful for parent and child alike, and students get another semester to live their high school lives. How could that happen? We are in DC: pass a federal law protecting student consumers against these college shenanigans. Oh, wait. Since we are in DC, we know it’s laughable to suggest anything that would be so widely popular could ever be accomplished.

Just listened to the NPR segment on Sallie Mae and the student loan origination which became big business and a huge reason why college tuition is now so g-damn expensive. They could drive up tuition prices because they knew families/students would take out mega loans not caring they would be saddled for most of their lives. Obama famously disclosed that he and Michelle only paid theirs off 8 years prior to becoming President.

I see the testing industry and the ED, EA, yield protection crap in very much the same light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t your kid do this their self?

We should first recognize that nobody — parent or child — should be placed in a position of having to play game theory with their family’s future. Instead of this thread’s parent and child finger pointing, the blame should be placed squarely on colleges. The solution is simple: get rid of EA, ED1, and ED2, life becomes less stressful for parent and child alike, and students get another semester to live their high school lives. How could that happen? We are in DC: pass a federal law protecting student consumers against these college shenanigans. Oh, wait. Since we are in DC, we know it’s laughable to suggest anything that would be so widely popular could ever be accomplished.

Just listened to the NPR segment on Sallie Mae and the student loan origination which became big business and a huge reason why college tuition is now so g-damn expensive. They could drive up tuition prices because they knew families/students would take out mega loans not caring they would be saddled for most of their lives. Obama famously disclosed that he and Michelle only paid theirs off 8 years prior to becoming President.

I see the testing industry and the ED, EA, yield protection crap in very much the same light.

The student loan program is the ultimate example of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t your kid do this their self?

We should first recognize that nobody — parent or child — should be placed in a position of having to play game theory with their family’s future. Instead of this thread’s parent and child finger pointing, the blame should be placed squarely on colleges. The solution is simple: get rid of EA, ED1, and ED2, life becomes less stressful for parent and child alike, and students get another semester to live their high school lives. How could that happen? We are in DC: pass a federal law protecting student consumers against these college shenanigans. Oh, wait. Since we are in DC, we know it’s laughable to suggest anything that would be so widely popular could ever be accomplished.

I don't think this would be widely popular as if there is no game theory there is no way to increase your chances to get into a good school. Having less control does not equal having less stress. ED allowed my high school senior to have a great senior spring without worry. (And, no, we're not rich/full pay--we just used the NPC at the school he was most interested in to ensure we could afford it--it was a stretch). I think you can turn it into a complex game theory problem OR you can do rolling admissions at a safety so you only apply to 1 and ED at the college you're most interested in that you can afford. And then the results of those shape what you do next. Seems a lot less stressful to me than waiting until April to see how throwing it all at the wall worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

I, too, went to college in the 90s and my parents picked what colleges we’d visit and “encouraged” which to apply to. Guess what, I bet we are equally self-sufficient adults (and I loved my college experience and launched into a great career, likely you did, too).

All very reasonable---guiding your 17yo is not a bad thing. Especially when the result is about launching you for your adult life and might cost $200K+. Helping your kid find their fit, and one that the family can afford is essential. Oh, and a place where you could switch majors if needed (most kids do at least once) and still be happy is key. Most 17yo do not know everything, despite the fact they may act like it at times. Similarly, I will still help guide my kid while in college---note that guide is different that helicoptering---guide means being a sounding board and helping them learn what they need to do if they encounter an issue, but ultimately the kid does it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

It's not the most "impactful," just the most "expensive." Which is why, as I said, the parent's role is limited to what they can or are willing to pay.

It is extremely impactful. Helping your kid find a school that's a great fit is key. For my kids, finding one where they were not locked into a specific major is key---the ability to switch majors without issues played a huge role in selecting the universities, and recognizing that many schools it's not possible to do that for engineering. Sure my kid could go to our top state U, and they got into the "engineering school"--T50 school, but then they would have to fight to do extremely well and apply and hope to get their desired major (desired major is an impacted major and is really difficult to get into). So we helped our kid realize that there are plenty of great engineering schools where this is not the case, and that you can enjoy college and not be stressed about maintaining a 4.0 just so you can be a BME---I mean who wants to attend college and be told, "sorry, but you can be a civil engineer or environmental engineer, but those are your choices after sophomore year. No space left in BME/CHemE and forget about CS it's not a thing without direct admit". So yes, attending many schools could mean your kid is an engineer, just not the type they are interested in. As well as engineering is hard, so struggling to maintain a 3.99/4.0 is not what I want my kid doing freshman/soph year. I want them focused on learning for the sake of learning and figuring out what research they want to do, and what internships interest them, not functioning like it's junior/senior year of HS and they are trying to get into college yet again.