College search has been so stressful so far

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

[Anonymous]

I enjoyed the process but focused more on helping my kids think about themselves, their interests, and goals and then finding a good fit. It was fun to see them picture themselves in different places and hear what they thought (city, rural, large, small). It was fun seeing them grow and talking about all the fun adventures ahead. They found lots of places they could like and ended up with schools that fit their personalities.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I was in your shoes last year with my oldest going through the process — and now my middle child is going through it. Here is what I learned:

Let them be responsible for figuring out which schools they want to apply to. No need to rank them now unless the child wants to apply early decision. They need to figure out what they are looking for in a school (size, location, majors) and then visit a few to check that is what they really want. For example, by DD wants to go to college in a big city, but she wants the campus to be delineated within that city. She also wants to double major, so the school needs to have both majors.

Visit whatever schools you have time for now, but understand that your child still has time to visit after the application deadline (some folks say that you have to “show interest” in the school before applying, but my DS was rejected by the schools he visited and accepted by the schools he didn’t visit).

Some schools will give merit, so it’s hard to figure out costs until then, but it’s good to have a ballpark figure. Mostly schools will post their costs online. It will be challenging to figure out how much aid you will get before your child applies.
My DD is unable to rank her schools (she likes all of them), so it will probably boil down to whichever financial package is best.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the helpful advice. We have a budget and did take some schools off child’s list because it was outside budget and price calculator didn’t bring it within budget. Should I still have them apply and hope for a miracle or continue to keep it off the list? For example, a few were over $25k over budget, and OOS publics so unlikely to have huge merit, and we don’t qualify for aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the helpful advice. We have a budget and did take some schools off child’s list because it was outside budget and price calculator didn’t bring it within budget. Should I still have them apply and hope for a miracle or continue to keep it off the list? For example, a few were over $25k over budget, and OOS publics so unlikely to have huge merit, and we don’t qualify for aid.

Hoping for a miracle is rarely a sound strategy so I would keep those schools off the list. From our experience, the amount of aid very rarely exceeds what is shown by the available data/net price calculator, and is not infrequently less unless your kid has a hook that makes the school really want them. But if you want to throw a Hail Mary, go ahead. Just make sure your kid realizes what a long shot it is.

[Anonymous]

I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

I, too, went to college in the 90s and my parents picked what colleges we’d visit and “encouraged” which to apply to. Guess what, I bet we are equally self-sufficient adults (and I loved my college experience and launched into a great career, likely you did, too).

[Anonymous]

Buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

[Anonymous]

We are letting our rising senior drive the process (making lists, figuring out what need to be done for applications). We did plan spring and summer trips around driving to check out some of the schools on the list (I planned the travel logistics). I think what is making it stressful in our household is that DC has fallen in love with two schools that are reaches, and only feels meh about the safeties and targets seen so far. We keep emphasizing that DC can have a great experience at a range of schools (I attended a large state school in the middle of the country), but I’m pretty sure DC does not believe this. So, I’m expecting stress to be the rule until spring and just try to keep everything as low key as possible on the parent side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

It's not the most "impactful," just the most "expensive." Which is why, as I said, the parent's role is limited to what they can or are willing to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

+1. Scolds gotta scold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

Agree that the 'we' should be dropped, but many kids will need guidance beyond just telling them what can be afforded. It's the first really big decision for most of them, and gentle assistance that doesn't seek to steer them in a specific direction can be very helpful in guiding them toward seeing how to approach such an enormous task.

[Anonymous]

I haven't found it stressful. I've enjoyed the college visits. My kid can only apply to 10 schools and 9 of them are basically safeties for him. 2-3 of them are state schools that I can afford even without student loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

+1

The people who say their kids can do it all alone must be full pay. We are in real life over here and working side by side with our minor child to make this enormous decision that we are paying 100s of thousands for...

It's fine as a PP said.