College search has been so stressful so far

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

+1

The people who say their kids can do it all alone must be full pay. We are in real life over here and working side by side with our minor child to make this enormous decision that we are paying 100s of thousands for...

It's fine as a PP said.

Yup! 18 is not a magical age where a parent says "great, you're an adult, no more help/guidance from me". My 26yo still asks for guidance and I give it. They can function on their own, but they know we are always here to help guide them and be sounding board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is that you have inserted a whole lot of "we" into the process. It shouldn't be "we," it should be your kid. Your job is to tell your kid how much you are willing to and can pay. That's it.

No, that's not "it". You give you kid loads of advice and direction about many things, why should this one decision - the most impactful and expensive they will make for some time in their lives - be an exception? It should not, and it is not for most normal families.

You people that jump all over the use of "we" - I just don't get it. "We decided to eat dinner at Outback Steak House" is fine but "We decided to spend $300,000 on CMU" is not?

Ridiculous.

+1

The people who say their kids can do it all alone must be full pay. We are in real life over here and working side by side with our minor child to make this enormous decision that we are paying 100s of thousands for...

It's fine as a PP said.

Yup! 18 is not a magical age where a parent says "great, you're an adult, no more help/guidance from me". My 26yo still asks for guidance and I give it. They can function on their own, but they know we are always here to help guide them and be sounding board.

It's common sense, the detractors are probably lazy $hitheads who's kids hate them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yup! 18 is not a magical age where a parent says "great, you're an adult, no more help/guidance from me". My 26yo still asks for guidance and I give it. They can function on their own, but they know we are always here to help guide them and be sounding board.

It's common sense, the detractors are probably lazy $hitheads who's kids hate them anyway.

no, your kids are just taking advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rising senior parent here. So far this process has been so stressful. From forms to essays to college lists to college visits, let alone trying to determine the “real” price and direct vs indirect admits into major … I’m so ready for this to be over. Does it get better once apps are submitted? The college list has been particularly challenging. Every time we add one or take one off, it seems the next day there’s a reason to reverse the decision. At this point, none of them look like sure bets that child would want to attend. Luckily we’re pretty flexible so I’m sure child will be happy with whatever works out but so far it hasn’t been fun, at all!

Your experience is very foreign to me. I've been through it twice and neither time was it particularly stressful. Obviously there are uncertainties but the stress you describe seems unusual and can't in any way be good for your child, who presumably is bearing the brunt of the workload.

The process isn't that stressful if your kid isn't applying to T50 Schools. My oldest was that---I assisted (no college counselor needed), and they got into 9/10 schools (and the 10th was a T10 that they just wanted to apply to, we knew they had no shot at all, but let them apply). Most schools were ones with 50%+ acceptance rates and my kid was at/above the 50 percentile (and scores were 25 ACT/3.6UW gpa, only 1 AP). They had 3 acceptances before Xmas, including their top 2 choices.

But my 2nd was a different story. 3.99UW/ 1520SAT and had 1 T10 (ED), 4 T40 (2 were targets, 2 were reaches), 2 T50 and several other safeties. So process was a bit more stressful, especially this year. Where they are ultimately going has had acceptance rates of ~30-35% for years, but this year it's 22%. One went from 20% to ~10% (and my kid managed to get WL). So while they had a true safety that they really liked with an acceptance by Xmas and a target acceptance by xmas as well, most of the others didn't come until Feb/march. So ED turned to deferral to RD and ultimate rejection (acceptance rate of ~5% this year) and where they are attending didn't come in until end March. So even if you have safety acceptances, it's still stressful until you hear from your top choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

New poster...Why you so salty and bitter? It's perfectly fine for mom and dad to be a part of the process, try it sometime. You might find that your kid actually appreciates it and a college counselor doesn't cost that much for a couple of sessions, do you do all of the technical work in your life? Hiring an expert is pragmatic and smart especially when making a major life decision but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a rising freshman (CS major at top 20 national university) as well as an older child in top 5 LAC, I have to say that there certainly were many anxiety provoking moments. However, there were times that were pretty memorable such as spending time with you kid visiting colleges. It helped that my kid got into a state university rolling admissions as that took some of the anxiety out. I think overall it is how you perceive the whole process. If you take the approach that it is do or die to get into a certain college(s), then yes it will be a very stressful time. If you have a nice balance of reaches/targets/safeties, and you and your kid are not focused on only one college, then it can be an exciting time exploring colleges, majors, new places, etc. So bottom line is much of it depends on you and your kid's perception. IMHO, much of the stress the kids feel are from their parents. So try to take a step back and enjoy the process a bit as it is a big milestone.

I have a rising senior and one in college. What surprised me the first time was how much I learned about my son. He's not a big talker so figuring out what was important to him and reviewing his essays gave me a window into his mind he'd never let me have before. I'm looking forward to that with DD. She already has three safeties she'd be happy to go to and look like they'll for our budget so we're not feeling very stressed about it. Safeties you love are really important.

Both my kids have ADHD so I absolutely was very hands on in the early phase of figuring out the list, helping DS put together the schedule, reviewed essays and proofed the common app. He took the lead as time went on and I had zero involvement (except to send money) once he was in college and he finished first year with all As and figured out his off campus apartment for next year.

If your kids needs help figuring out this brand new, massive research and project management job for the first time, that doesn't mean they aren't ready for college. They aren't supposed to be ready for college yet, they still have another year of growing and learning. If you do have a kid who is ready for you to be 100% hands off well good for you but don't assume that's the only way to be successful.

My kids don’t need mommy to apply to college.

Good for you--but you obviously do not have a kid with ADHD or any learning disabilities. Consider yourself "lucky". Just because a kid has ADHD/learning disabilities does not mean they are not smart, it just means they learn differently and might lack executive functioning skills which affect everything in life. My ADHD/LD kid has graduated college, gainfully employed at top company and doing extremely well but if I had not assisted with the college process it might not have happened. Yet, they graduated with a 3.5 from a T100 university and are gainfully employed. I'd rather assist as needed to help launch them than not do that and have a kid who doesn't finish college and doesn't have a path in life. You obviously are a troll who has no empathy or understanding of the realities of life.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to chime in and say that my kid is doing it mostly on his own (and my older DC did it 100% on their own) but it's still stressful.

And even though I want my kid to do it on his own, it's hard when he goes out with friends instead of working on his essay and when he prioritizes other stuff.

I do want him to do it on his own and am letting him for all the snarky reasons on this site, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to chime in and say that my kid is doing it mostly on his own (and my older DC did it 100% on their own) but it's still stressful.

And even though I want my kid to do it on his own, it's hard when he goes out with friends instead of working on his essay and when he prioritizes other stuff.

I do want him to do it on his own and am letting him for all the snarky reasons on this site, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.

As long as you are willing to live with the results you do you. If your going to complain when your 18 yo doesn't get something done (which often happens) than you might want to re-think your strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

My kid will do just fine thank you. They have already met with their advisor and mapped out course of study, as they want to do a challenging Major with an equally challenging minor and at a smaller school, where many courses are only offered Fall or Spring but not both, they have figured out what to take when so they are setup to get the minor as well and graduate in 4 years.

Would have done just fine without the extra help, but it would have been stressful. My kid was burned out from Covid, lack of socialization in person, online school, etc. My kid has a 3.99 UW gpa with 10+ AP courses in HS. They are extremely motivated most of the time and will succeed in life. But given Covid and the stress of the last 3 years, I thought it prudent to get a bit of extra help with the process (managed it just fine for first kid and could have done it now. ) My kid has managed everything this summer with getting ready for college and I don't have to do a thing. My kid managed an EC that took 20+ hours/week along during HS along with the advanced courses and I'd say a 3.99 UW gpa is a good outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

New poster...Why you so salty and bitter? It's perfectly fine for mom and dad to be a part of the process, try it sometime. You might find that your kid actually appreciates it and a college counselor doesn't cost that much for a couple of sessions, do you do all of the technical work in your life? Hiring an expert is pragmatic and smart especially when making a major life decision but you do you.

Yes! Similarly, while my kid will manage college on their own, I will also make sure I understand the courses they need and help double check so they are on track to graduate in 4 years, with a double major in engineering or a single major and a minor. My kid is doing all the work themselves, but I will double check because a mistake/bit of carelessness could mean an extra $80K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to chime in and say that my kid is doing it mostly on his own (and my older DC did it 100% on their own) but it's still stressful.

And even though I want my kid to do it on his own, it's hard when he goes out with friends instead of working on his essay and when he prioritizes other stuff.

I do want him to do it on his own and am letting him for all the snarky reasons on this site, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful.

Your choice to do it that way. However, there is nothing wrong with assisting with setting a schedule and/or hiring a consultant to assist with the process. Not suggesting the parent actually "Do/write" the application, but a bit of guidance is not wrong if your kid needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this your kids job? If they can’t handle applying they’re not ready for college.

+1

DP. Stress went way down for DD. She got into a rolling admission school within a few days of applying along with generous merit aid. She was nervous the few days leading up to ED announcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

New poster...Why you so salty and bitter? It's perfectly fine for mom and dad to be a part of the process, try it sometime. You might find that your kid actually appreciates it and a college counselor doesn't cost that much for a couple of sessions, do you do all of the technical work in your life? Hiring an expert is pragmatic and smart especially when making a major life decision but you do you.

Yes! Similarly, while my kid will manage college on their own, I will also make sure I understand the courses they need and help double check so they are on track to graduate in 4 years, with a double major in engineering or a single major and a minor. My kid is doing all the work themselves, but I will double check because a mistake/bit of carelessness could mean an extra $80K.

No, that is not healthy. You will not always be there to perform this function. THE SCHOOL PAYS ADVISORS TO DO THIS EXACTLY. You can remind your kid to meet with their advisor when they schedule senior year classes.

Your job now is to teach your kid to use the resources at his/her college. It is not to keep checking on his progress. Really, please instead try to teach him/her to do this himself. That will also build confidence in him/her that he is maturing into a capable adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just remembering what it was like to apply in the late 90s. I did everything including setting up the tours. Why have things changed?

Because in the 90s, most of the Ivies and 20-25% acceptance rates, not 5%. Back in the day, it was easy for a kid with a 1300+ and 3.8+ to get into most state schools---now not so much. So it was extremely easy to pick "safeties/targets/reaches". When I applied, it was extremely easy to get into VaTech, even engineering. It was basically a guarantee if you had a 2.0 and actually graduated HS (engineering was a bit "harder", but still extremely easy for a decent student in VA to get into) and UVA was not that difficult to gain admissions if you had a 1300+ and 3.8+gpa.

Majority of kids are actively involved in the process, but I know we felt the need to ensure the process was done well to ensure our kids had at least several true safeties with acceptances. My kid drives the process, with the help of a college counselor, who mainly helped us develop the best list of schools. Without that counselor, I'm not sure my kid would have even found the school they are attending (and it's a T30) or their top safety school (which my kid really liked). And the counselor was helpful for being the one to "Nag" to keep kids on a schedule (my extremely smart motivated kid is also a major procrastinator and that got worse with Covid and 16 months of online school). I was not obsessed with finding Ranked schools---I wanted to ensure my kid found the best fit, as I know success in college is about fit for the student, if they are happy, they will do well.

Sure it’s harder. But what are you expecting to happen when your kid actually goes to college and doesn’t have mom or dad or hired help to get motivated?

New poster...Why you so salty and bitter? It's perfectly fine for mom and dad to be a part of the process, try it sometime. You might find that your kid actually appreciates it and a college counselor doesn't cost that much for a couple of sessions, do you do all of the technical work in your life? Hiring an expert is pragmatic and smart especially when making a major life decision but you do you.

Yes! Similarly, while my kid will manage college on their own, I will also make sure I understand the courses they need and help double check so they are on track to graduate in 4 years, with a double major in engineering or a single major and a minor. My kid is doing all the work themselves, but I will double check because a mistake/bit of carelessness could mean an extra $80K.

No, that is not healthy. You will not always be there to perform this function. THE SCHOOL PAYS ADVISORS TO DO THIS EXACTLY. You can remind your kid to meet with their advisor when they schedule senior year classes.

Your job now is to teach your kid to use the resources at his/her college. It is not to keep checking on his progress. Really, please instead try to teach him/her to do this himself. That will also build confidence in him/her that he is maturing into a capable adult.

NP-Mind your own business and they will do their journey. You don't get to tell people what is healthy or not so take a seat.