Anyone have a borderline mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.

No, you don't get to do that. The whole....guilt trip....your mom may have been awful, but she won't be here very long. Nope. It's a deranged way to reel people back into dysfunction and it's not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.

No, you don't get to do that. The whole....guilt trip....your mom may have been awful, but she won't be here very long. Nope. It's a deranged way to reel people back into dysfunction and it's not OK.

+1. OP, you don't owe your mom anything. Do what is best for your mental health and that of your children.

At the same time, in fairness to the PP, I do think it's fair to consider how you'll feel after your mom is gone. If you limit contact with her now and she dies in the next few years, will you feel guilt? Will you be at peace with it? If you can "hang on" for the remaining years of her life, will that be comforting to you when she's gone?

[Anonymous]

The guilt is terrible but the abuse is worse. My mom is bored and needs others to fill up her life. When you want to build your own life she’s furious. So much makes sense and what I always struggled with as far as thinking I just wasn’t “popular” enough now is starting to tie back to a mom that was selfish and self centered.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP. I went away because I felt judged. It’s hard to explain the dynamics unless you’re in them. I contacted my mom today after three weeks because were going on a family vacation. (She was invited but declined. She has stomach issues and headaches and is afraid to go too far from home, which I understand and am sympathetic to…although then she also says we never invite her on family vacations and choose places she can’t go. We’re renting a house in Florida. It’s not like we go on Safaris.)

But I just felt bad. I feel bad either way. She said I had blocked her from her grandchild, which was very emotional for her, although she’d been talking with her regularly and went out with her and I never limited her contact. I just didn’t want her going to sleep away camp that already wasn’t going so well without my permission.

I had blocked her for a few weeks. I needed the space. I kept hearing her criticism in my head. But it’s not like she couldn’t have contacted me in various ways. She has no feeling that she did anything wrong—and she never does. This is pretty much always the pattern. She’s getting older, and I worry about us not speaking when she dies or that she will need something health related and not tell me. But I also don’t know why she can’t see the things she does and says are cruel and that it’s ok to have some boundaries.

I don’t know if she’s legitimately BPD. My therapist thought so. I’m not the only person in her life she has these problems with, but I’m her only child.

Honestly, I wish I hadn’t contacted her, but the guilt tore me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.

Why are some people able to see all this and still accept the terribly, terribly flawed parent as someone they love and who gave them something positive at the end of the day, while others cannot? It's interesting. I think BPD people cannot love. That's what's missing, and why they can be cut off without much ill effect. Sounds like your mom and dad both actually loved you, despite their terrible flaws. That's the glue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.

Why are some people able to see all this and still accept the terribly, terribly flawed parent as someone they love and who gave them something positive at the end of the day, while others cannot? It's interesting. I think BPD people cannot love. That's what's missing, and why they can be cut off without much ill effect. Sounds like your mom and dad both actually loved you, despite their terrible flaws. That's the glue.

OP. That isn’t actually true, as I understand the disorder. People with BPD have often suffered abuse as well. They act out and or push away when they feel afraid of being left, and in doing so manifest people they love not wanting to be around them. Not that you couldn’t be an unloving person with BPD. But the reason I see my mom as having those tendencies is because she does display love in many ways and then it’s like she’s Harvey Dent in Batman…remember Two Face…something seemingly very small will make her totally freak out or she will nourish grudges for years and years. She’s totally irrational.

I know that for me, whether my mom is truly BPD or not…she is a very dysfunctional person who hurts me but also loves me and has been a good mom in many ways. Honestly, I know the way she treats me sometimes is abusive. I would tell someone with a spouse like that to leave. But I think you always crave your parents’ approval. Abuse doesn’t happen all the time. That was something I didn’t understand for a long time….well into my 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.

Why are some people able to see all this and still accept the terribly, terribly flawed parent as someone they love and who gave them something positive at the end of the day, while others cannot? It's interesting. I think BPD people cannot love. That's what's missing, and why they can be cut off without much ill effect. Sounds like your mom and dad both actually loved you, despite their terrible flaws. That's the glue.

OP. That isn’t actually true, as I understand the disorder. People with BPD have often suffered abuse as well. They act out and or push away when they feel afraid of being left, and in doing so manifest people they love not wanting to be around them. Not that you couldn’t be an unloving person with BPD. But the reason I see my mom as having those tendencies is because she does display love in many ways and then it’s like she’s Harvey Dent in Batman…remember Two Face…something seemingly very small will make her totally freak out or she will nourish grudges for years and years. She’s totally irrational.

I know that for me, whether my mom is truly BPD or not…she is a very dysfunctional person who hurts me but also loves me and has been a good mom in many ways. Honestly, I know the way she treats me sometimes is abusive. I would tell someone with a spouse like that to leave. But I think you always crave your parents’ approval. Abuse doesn’t happen all the time. That was something I didn’t understand for a long time….well into my 30s.

Mine is a BPD/NPD mix -- I have also seen it described as BPD with a narcissistic core. I do not believe she is capable of love, although she knows how to act like she loves. It's all a facade, and took me a while to see it because of course you want to think your mom loves you. HOWEVER, BPD varies in intensity, and not all of them are like my mom. They tend to all have really similar behaviors, and I believe that they are all acting out of their trauma. But they aren't all the same.

Also, they are not all monsters. They are just damaged people caught in bad behavior loops. I don't desire to have any relationship with my BPD mom, because her abuse of me led to serious coping problems that being around her is bad for my health. But other people with less intense BPD moms and less trauma, I can see how they might balance out the good with the bad.