Anyone have a borderline mom?

[Anonymous]

There's an old saying: Pick and choose your battles.

Another: Better to be happy than be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

Jesus, what are you talking about? OP isn’t describing a healthy way for grandma to behave. Grandma wanted to insert herself, mom said no. Grandma tried to sneak and do it, mom found out and said no, grandma says she knows more about what’s best for the child than mom does, and goes on a tirade against mom. That’s not okay, and it’s totally understandable that OP limited contact after that. It doesn’t matter what grandma tried to insert herself into, if it was sleep away camp, choosing a preschool, trying to come to graduation without a ticket, or trying to manage the child’s wardrobe. Mom clearly said no, and grandma tried to overrule, sneak around, claim superior knowledge, and then put down mom. Grandma blew so far past the line it’s a dot in the rear view mirror. Grandma isn’t trustworthy or healthy to be around, so I’d be setting boundaries too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

Jesus, what are you talking about? OP isn’t describing a healthy way for grandma to behave. Grandma wanted to insert herself, mom said no. Grandma tried to sneak and do it, mom found out and said no, grandma says she knows more about what’s best for the child than mom does, and goes on a tirade against mom. That’s not okay, and it’s totally understandable that OP limited contact after that. It doesn’t matter what grandma tried to insert herself into, if it was sleep away camp, choosing a preschool, trying to come to graduation without a ticket, or trying to manage the child’s wardrobe. Mom clearly said no, and grandma tried to overrule, sneak around, claim superior knowledge, and then put down mom. Grandma blew so far past the line it’s a dot in the rear view mirror. Grandma isn’t trustworthy or healthy to be around, so I’d be setting boundaries too.

Yeah. OP here. I had gone away because people jumped down my throat like I was saying I thought my mom was mentally ill because she talked to my kid without my permission. I didn’t really want to get into all the details because they are not relevant. My mom has done so many things over the years it is hard to list them all. But generally what happens is that everything is fine between us, I try to enforce a boundary, she goes nuts and starts calling me all kinds of names, tells me I’m selfish, bad, etc….and then cuts me off as punishment because I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. She literally got furious with me one year because my husband and I accidentally planned our 15 year anniversary trip on a Jewish holiday (they move…not the same day every year). We offered to change it but she was furious because we should have known and we should have known how important it was to her. One time my husband had a lucrative job opportunity across the country. It was scary and I admit I was afraid of moving and my child not seeing their grandmother. But it was a really great opportunity. Instead of being supportive and saying she would come visit (she has a lot of money), she locked herself in the bathroom and told me she would never come visit us. I lost my nerve and couldn’t agree to go. My husband never really forgave her.

I used to get physically sick when she did this and would beg and plead for her to forgive me until she finally did. But in my mid thirties that started turning more into anger. Now I admit it doesn’t take much for me to get upset because there is so much hostility built up in me because she just forgets. She’s terrible and says all these crazy things and then a month later it was like it never happened. But I remember it.

The thing is that I’d say she’s like this about 15% of the time. The other times she’s a good mom. Giving. Funny. Very supportive. That’s why I do think it’s a mental illness. She’s a good person. I know she won’t change. If anything, it will get worse. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and my therapist admits it’s a difficult situation. I have very little family, and it would be hard to totally cut her off. We live in the same city. I do want her to be able to have a relationship with my kid. She loves my kid and is kind to them…at least for now.

I think it’s the guilt…always wondering DID I do something wrong? Am I wrong? I don’t think so. My husband thinks my mom has major issues. Everything is totally black and white with her. But there’s always this voice that is terrified of disappointing her….even though I will always disappoint her. The only way not to would be to ALWAYS do EVERYTHING she wants…and even then I think I would fail somehow as soon as she felt threatened or scared or whatever tips her over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

Jesus, what are you talking about? OP isn’t describing a healthy way for grandma to behave. Grandma wanted to insert herself, mom said no. Grandma tried to sneak and do it, mom found out and said no, grandma says she knows more about what’s best for the child than mom does, and goes on a tirade against mom. That’s not okay, and it’s totally understandable that OP limited contact after that. It doesn’t matter what grandma tried to insert herself into, if it was sleep away camp, choosing a preschool, trying to come to graduation without a ticket, or trying to manage the child’s wardrobe. Mom clearly said no, and grandma tried to overrule, sneak around, claim superior knowledge, and then put down mom. Grandma blew so far past the line it’s a dot in the rear view mirror. Grandma isn’t trustworthy or healthy to be around, so I’d be setting boundaries too.

Yeah. OP here. I had gone away because people jumped down my throat like I was saying I thought my mom was mentally ill because she talked to my kid without my permission. I didn’t really want to get into all the details because they are not relevant. My mom has done so many things over the years it is hard to list them all. But generally what happens is that everything is fine between us, I try to enforce a boundary, she goes nuts and starts calling me all kinds of names, tells me I’m selfish, bad, etc….and then cuts me off as punishment because I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. She literally got furious with me one year because my husband and I accidentally planned our 15 year anniversary trip on a Jewish holiday (they move…not the same day every year). We offered to change it but she was furious because we should have known and we should have known how important it was to her. One time my husband had a lucrative job opportunity across the country. It was scary and I admit I was afraid of moving and my child not seeing their grandmother. But it was a really great opportunity. Instead of being supportive and saying she would come visit (she has a lot of money), she locked herself in the bathroom and told me she would never come visit us. I lost my nerve and couldn’t agree to go. My husband never really forgave her.

I used to get physically sick when she did this and would beg and plead for her to forgive me until she finally did. But in my mid thirties that started turning more into anger. Now I admit it doesn’t take much for me to get upset because there is so much hostility built up in me because she just forgets. She’s terrible and says all these crazy things and then a month later it was like it never happened. But I remember it.

The thing is that I’d say she’s like this about 15% of the time. The other times she’s a good mom. Giving. Funny. Very supportive. That’s why I do think it’s a mental illness. She’s a good person. I know she won’t change. If anything, it will get worse. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and my therapist admits it’s a difficult situation. I have very little family, and it would be hard to totally cut her off. We live in the same city. I do want her to be able to have a relationship with my kid. She loves my kid and is kind to them…at least for now.

I think it’s the guilt…always wondering DID I do something wrong? Am I wrong? I don’t think so. My husband thinks my mom has major issues. Everything is totally black and white with her. But there’s always this voice that is terrified of disappointing her….even though I will always disappoint her. The only way not to would be to ALWAYS do EVERYTHING she wants…and even then I think I would fail somehow as soon as she felt threatened or scared or whatever tips her over the edge.

OP I relate to this and am Jewish. We joke in our culture about Jewish mothers and "guilt trips" , but I think like with many family obsessed cultures, we minimize too much things that are abusive. I related growing up most to friends who were first generation Asian and SE Asian. They often faced worse and grew up with the expectation of "taking care of parents" financially or in their home, though often those parents provided free cooking and childcare in the home. Some families were very loving just like some Jewish families. However, under stress it was interesting how so many of our families went the abuse route which sometimes resulted in complete cut-offs.

I think so many cultures normalize borderline behavior. Now dealing with my mother's extreme temper in old age, I not only turn to my Asian friends, but also my Italian and Irish friends and it just is considered normal, yet disturbing for an elderly mother to fly off the handle and hurl insults. "You are sooooooooo SELFISH' is a classic- said in a shrill voice, often by a mother who worked part time at most and had easy children to raise who she trained to do backflips to please her. There's also the classic bragging about what she did for her own parents which seems to be a completely re-written narrative and if you dare question it all hell breaks lose. Heck at least my mom didn't throw things or beat us, some of my friends weren't so lucky. I think so many of us are recognizing how disturbed our mothers were and are trying to be cycle breakers. I understand the confusion though because my mother had many good aspects too, but so do so many abusers. That's how you get roped back in. My mother is absolutely rigid and a black and white thinker. She would benefit from DBT if she would buy into it, but she looks down on the crazies and hates in those with mental illness what she hates in herself. She's like those gay-bashers who are latently gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

Jesus, what are you talking about? OP isn’t describing a healthy way for grandma to behave. Grandma wanted to insert herself, mom said no. Grandma tried to sneak and do it, mom found out and said no, grandma says she knows more about what’s best for the child than mom does, and goes on a tirade against mom. That’s not okay, and it’s totally understandable that OP limited contact after that. It doesn’t matter what grandma tried to insert herself into, if it was sleep away camp, choosing a preschool, trying to come to graduation without a ticket, or trying to manage the child’s wardrobe. Mom clearly said no, and grandma tried to overrule, sneak around, claim superior knowledge, and then put down mom. Grandma blew so far past the line it’s a dot in the rear view mirror. Grandma isn’t trustworthy or healthy to be around, so I’d be setting boundaries too.

Yeah. OP here. I had gone away because people jumped down my throat like I was saying I thought my mom was mentally ill because she talked to my kid without my permission. I didn’t really want to get into all the details because they are not relevant. My mom has done so many things over the years it is hard to list them all. But generally what happens is that everything is fine between us, I try to enforce a boundary, she goes nuts and starts calling me all kinds of names, tells me I’m selfish, bad, etc….and then cuts me off as punishment because I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. She literally got furious with me one year because my husband and I accidentally planned our 15 year anniversary trip on a Jewish holiday (they move…not the same day every year). We offered to change it but she was furious because we should have known and we should have known how important it was to her. One time my husband had a lucrative job opportunity across the country. It was scary and I admit I was afraid of moving and my child not seeing their grandmother. But it was a really great opportunity. Instead of being supportive and saying she would come visit (she has a lot of money), she locked herself in the bathroom and told me she would never come visit us. I lost my nerve and couldn’t agree to go. My husband never really forgave her.

I used to get physically sick when she did this and would beg and plead for her to forgive me until she finally did. But in my mid thirties that started turning more into anger. Now I admit it doesn’t take much for me to get upset because there is so much hostility built up in me because she just forgets. She’s terrible and says all these crazy things and then a month later it was like it never happened. But I remember it.

The thing is that I’d say she’s like this about 15% of the time. The other times she’s a good mom. Giving. Funny. Very supportive. That’s why I do think it’s a mental illness. She’s a good person. I know she won’t change. If anything, it will get worse. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and my therapist admits it’s a difficult situation. I have very little family, and it would be hard to totally cut her off. We live in the same city. I do want her to be able to have a relationship with my kid. She loves my kid and is kind to them…at least for now.

I think it’s the guilt…always wondering DID I do something wrong? Am I wrong? I don’t think so. My husband thinks my mom has major issues. Everything is totally black and white with her. But there’s always this voice that is terrified of disappointing her….even though I will always disappoint her. The only way not to would be to ALWAYS do EVERYTHING she wants…and even then I think I would fail somehow as soon as she felt threatened or scared or whatever tips her over the edge.

OP I relate to this and am Jewish. We joke in our culture about Jewish mothers and "guilt trips" , but I think like with many family obsessed cultures, we minimize too much things that are abusive. I related growing up most to friends who were first generation Asian and SE Asian. They often faced worse and grew up with the expectation of "taking care of parents" financially or in their home, though often those parents provided free cooking and childcare in the home. Some families were very loving just like some Jewish families. However, under stress it was interesting how so many of our families went the abuse route which sometimes resulted in complete cut-offs.

I think so many cultures normalize borderline behavior. Now dealing with my mother's extreme temper in old age, I not only turn to my Asian friends, but also my Italian and Irish friends and it just is considered normal, yet disturbing for an elderly mother to fly off the handle and hurl insults. "You are sooooooooo SELFISH' is a classic- said in a shrill voice, often by a mother who worked part time at most and had easy children to raise who she trained to do backflips to please her. There's also the classic bragging about what she did for her own parents which seems to be a completely re-written narrative and if you dare question it all hell breaks lose. Heck at least my mom didn't throw things or beat us, some of my friends weren't so lucky. I think so many of us are recognizing how disturbed our mothers were and are trying to be cycle breakers. I understand the confusion though because my mother had many good aspects too, but so do so many abusers. That's how you get roped back in. My mother is absolutely rigid and a black and white thinker. She would benefit from DBT if she would buy into it, but she looks down on the crazies and hates in those with mental illness what she hates in herself. She's like those gay-bashers who are latently gay.

Forgot to add, I do have a relationship with major boundaries. Every time she goes nuclear and hurls insults I take a long break from her.

[Anonymous]

OP is lashing out over a perceived injury or slight. Because grannie stopped by camp.

that's all I'm sayin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is lashing out over a perceived injury or slight. Because grannie stopped by camp.

that's all I'm sayin

Personality disorders can present in a spectrum just like other conditions. It is not a contest who has it worse. Whether or not OP's mom meets the diagnostic criteria or just has traits, you do not know her situation, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt? You sound very angry. Just because OP's situation does not mirror yours, it does not make her experience less valid.

[Anonymous]

Posted above and need to add I just got back from a visit with my prob BPD aunt so I have experience with these behaviors too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

That does sound like BPD. At least, my BPD mother was like that.

Agreed. My mom constantly tries to do things I ask her not to and delights in my annoyance, until it turns to me setting a boundary even harder and then all hell breaks loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

I'm sure the people running the camp don't expect or appreciate someone showing up to see campers without permission. That is totally unacceptable.

OP my mom tried to pick my kid up from Kindergarten. This is crazy behavior that they know damn well is crazy. Anyone who has or works with kids understands this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is lashing out over a perceived injury or slight. Because grannie stopped by camp.

that's all I'm sayin

Actually "stopping by camp" is a big deal. The kids are there specifically to be away from home. They are often navigating being away from home for the first time, creating their own lives without their adults around. They are often working through homesickness etc. The entire point of camp is to be on your own. Aside from visiting days, parents are not generally welcome. It's not college.

See : https://www.campthompson-carlislefamilyymca.org/index.php/resources/resource/homesickness-dos-and-donts

Do not "Visit the camp. While some camps have organized parent visiting days, others do not. Please do not arrive to camp unexpectedly and request to see your camper. While your child may be well adjusted, the sight of a parent with their child may trigger feelings of homesickness in other campers. Similarly, your presence may negatively affect your own child’s camp experience. You chose to send your child to camp so they may grow – it is up to you to give them the space for that growth to occur away from you."

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, i have a narcissistic personality disorder mom who complained when i didnt make her a bridesmaid in my wedding, and was furious when we named our son a name other than the one she’d told us to use. I have a thousand stories like this. People who dont have these kinds of parents literally have no idea. I like the raised by narcissists community on reddit to find people who get it.

[Anonymous]

I've had very little contact and strong borders with my mom for 15 years or so. My therapist long ago advised me to think of her and my stepdad as distant relatives. I can do this now - it's taken a long time. If I go to visit them, I ALWAYS stay someplace else, and keep visits short. E-mails go automatically to a special folder. I rarely answer her calls - she will call DH. DH deals with her.

It helps. There was no "85% of time she's okay" for me though. There was almost no time that she was truly loving or supportive. It's very sad, and I have a permanent hole in my heart. But I'm much better for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had very little contact and strong borders with my mom for 15 years or so. My therapist long ago advised me to think of her and my stepdad as distant relatives. I can do this now - it's taken a long time. If I go to visit them, I ALWAYS stay someplace else, and keep visits short. E-mails go automatically to a special folder. I rarely answer her calls - she will call DH. DH deals with her.

It helps. There was no "85% of time she's okay" for me though. There was almost no time that she was truly loving or supportive. It's very sad, and I have a permanent hole in my heart. But I'm much better for it.

OMG, I thought I invented the "special folder." Yep, I need to be in the right state of mind, She sometimes hides verbal stabbings in the middle of pleasantries, so reading a few sentences doesn't always tell me if it's safe.

I too try to see mom as a distance realtive and keep major boundaries. I take it farther and will only see her in public places where she's be afraid to rage. I too have a hole in my heart .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.

Jesus, what are you talking about? OP isn’t describing a healthy way for grandma to behave. Grandma wanted to insert herself, mom said no. Grandma tried to sneak and do it, mom found out and said no, grandma says she knows more about what’s best for the child than mom does, and goes on a tirade against mom. That’s not okay, and it’s totally understandable that OP limited contact after that. It doesn’t matter what grandma tried to insert herself into, if it was sleep away camp, choosing a preschool, trying to come to graduation without a ticket, or trying to manage the child’s wardrobe. Mom clearly said no, and grandma tried to overrule, sneak around, claim superior knowledge, and then put down mom. Grandma blew so far past the line it’s a dot in the rear view mirror. Grandma isn’t trustworthy or healthy to be around, so I’d be setting boundaries too.

Yeah. OP here. I had gone away because people jumped down my throat like I was saying I thought my mom was mentally ill because she talked to my kid without my permission. I didn’t really want to get into all the details because they are not relevant. My mom has done so many things over the years it is hard to list them all. But generally what happens is that everything is fine between us, I try to enforce a boundary, she goes nuts and starts calling me all kinds of names, tells me I’m selfish, bad, etc….and then cuts me off as punishment because I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. She literally got furious with me one year because my husband and I accidentally planned our 15 year anniversary trip on a Jewish holiday (they move…not the same day every year). We offered to change it but she was furious because we should have known and we should have known how important it was to her. One time my husband had a lucrative job opportunity across the country. It was scary and I admit I was afraid of moving and my child not seeing their grandmother. But it was a really great opportunity. Instead of being supportive and saying she would come visit (she has a lot of money), she locked herself in the bathroom and told me she would never come visit us. I lost my nerve and couldn’t agree to go. My husband never really forgave her.

I used to get physically sick when she did this and would beg and plead for her to forgive me until she finally did. But in my mid thirties that started turning more into anger. Now I admit it doesn’t take much for me to get upset because there is so much hostility built up in me because she just forgets. She’s terrible and says all these crazy things and then a month later it was like it never happened. But I remember it.

The thing is that I’d say she’s like this about 15% of the time. The other times she’s a good mom. Giving. Funny. Very supportive. That’s why I do think it’s a mental illness. She’s a good person. I know she won’t change. If anything, it will get worse. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and my therapist admits it’s a difficult situation. I have very little family, and it would be hard to totally cut her off. We live in the same city. I do want her to be able to have a relationship with my kid. She loves my kid and is kind to them…at least for now.

I think it’s the guilt…always wondering DID I do something wrong? Am I wrong? I don’t think so. My husband thinks my mom has major issues. Everything is totally black and white with her. But there’s always this voice that is terrified of disappointing her….even though I will always disappoint her. The only way not to would be to ALWAYS do EVERYTHING she wants…and even then I think I would fail somehow as soon as she felt threatened or scared or whatever tips her over the edge.

OP I relate to this and am Jewish. We joke in our culture about Jewish mothers and "guilt trips" , but I think like with many family obsessed cultures, we minimize too much things that are abusive. I related growing up most to friends who were first generation Asian and SE Asian. They often faced worse and grew up with the expectation of "taking care of parents" financially or in their home, though often those parents provided free cooking and childcare in the home. Some families were very loving just like some Jewish families. However, under stress it was interesting how so many of our families went the abuse route which sometimes resulted in complete cut-offs.

I think so many cultures normalize borderline behavior. Now dealing with my mother's extreme temper in old age, I not only turn to my Asian friends, but also my Italian and Irish friends and it just is considered normal, yet disturbing for an elderly mother to fly off the handle and hurl insults. "You are sooooooooo SELFISH' is a classic- said in a shrill voice, often by a mother who worked part time at most and had easy children to raise who she trained to do backflips to please her. There's also the classic bragging about what she did for her own parents which seems to be a completely re-written narrative and if you dare question it all hell breaks lose. Heck at least my mom didn't throw things or beat us, some of my friends weren't so lucky. I think so many of us are recognizing how disturbed our mothers were and are trying to be cycle breakers. I understand the confusion though because my mother had many good aspects too, but so do so many abusers. That's how you get roped back in. My mother is absolutely rigid and a black and white thinker. She would benefit from DBT if she would buy into it, but she looks down on the crazies and hates in those with mental illness what she hates in herself. She's like those gay-bashers who are latently gay.

Forgot to add, I do have a relationship with major boundaries. Every time she goes nuclear and hurls insults I take a long break from her.

This is what I do!