Anyone have a borderline mom?

[Anonymous]

My mom is 80 and displays (and has always displayed) borderline tendencies. I don’t have an official diagnosis because she thinks therapy is stupid, but her behavior is pretty textbook. She is nice and loving and extremely supportive (often too supportive…like no boundaries), but when I try to set any boundaries she becomes furious and punishes me. She just tried to go over my head with my teenager after I explicitly said no and told me I don’t know my old child. I e tried explaining why these things are hurtful but she changes the subject or refuses to acknowledge it. She had a really enmeshed relationship with her own mom (that was awful to watch), so she feels what she does and says is totally normal. I’ve cut off contact a few times…once for about 6 months. But then she forgets about it, and something happens and I let her back in…even though I know I can’t emotionally trust her. I just forget because she’s my mom and I love her and when she’s being normal she’s awesome. I’ve tried limiting contact but she sees that as me being mean and it leads to a fight. She must be totally in my business all the time. I’ve considered moving numerous times, but it’s not a great idea for other reasons and I’m an only child and I know my parents will need me. Despite all my mom’s crazy, she’s always there for me if something bad happens.

Can anyone relate? How do I deal with this? We’re on another round of not speaking after the last fight. It’s so exhausting. I try SO hard not to get drawn in, but I always do.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let yourself get drawn in. Consider that you are are codependent on her. Get yourself therapy. Consider what your kids are learning from your relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is I empathize. It is a horrible diagnosis- and I have been in counseling for 15 years - still difficult. I am not speaking with mother right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let yourself get drawn in. Consider that you are are codependent on her. Get yourself therapy. Consider what your kids are learning from your relationship with her.

Definitely. I do. I’ve been in therapy for years about it. I’m better than I used to be…but damn…she knows just what to say. I do use it in my own parenting to try and no do what she does. Sometimes I see myself slipping into that and it scares me. But I DO always apologize and acknowledge that I was wrong. I just wish I could let it go and not let her craziness make me crazy.

[Anonymous]

What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

[Anonymous]

Left DH voicemails and texts screaming.

[Anonymous]

I don't think going "over your head" and talking straight to your DD or telling you you don't know your own DD are necessarily BPD. Sounds irksome and painful but... in the realm of normal.

What else has she done that makes you think she has BPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

That does sound like BPD. At least, my BPD mother was like that.

[Anonymous]

Yes mine was similar. When I had a break from speaking to her, for about 6 months, it was wonderful. Then I got a call from my sister saying she was "terminal". It took another 2 yrs for her to die and she has been dead for nearly 2 years. It has taken this long for me to start remembering the good parts because everything was always so dominated by her drama and interference, but they exist, lurking quietly in the background. Don't forget those times too.

[Anonymous]

Check out the reddit for children of borderline parents, raised by borderlines. Haven't used it regularly in a long while, but it was a helpful primer for navigating things and feeling less alone.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my borderline mother in May 2021 when another little
incident like what you described simply was the straw that broke the camels back. It was like the clouds parted and it suddenly became very clear to me that I did not have to listen to her or play this game anymore, despite being an only child. It is now over a year later and I feel so much happier and free in my life. I am a 38 year old mother of 4. Wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let yourself get drawn in. Consider that you are are codependent on her. Get yourself therapy. Consider what your kids are learning from your relationship with her.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my borderline mother in May 2021 when another little
incident like what you described simply was the straw that broke the camels back. It was like the clouds parted and it suddenly became very clear to me that I did not have to listen to her or play this game anymore, despite being an only child. It is now over a year later and I feel so much happier and free in my life. I am a 38 year old mother of 4. Wish you all the best.

I had an experience like this. My mom exploded at me when she knew I was going through one of the most stressful experiences ever. I was so done with her BS and selfishness that I drew a line in the sand that must never be crossed again. From then on we went to very very low contact. I actually sleep through the night now. I thought it was a middle age thing to wake up to pee at least once, sometimes several times. i thought waking up now and then with heart-pounding anxiety was peri-menopause. Nope apparently it was from dealing with a volatile and unstable mother who was losing it as her looks and charms faded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you are borderline? Woman said domething to your kid, which "went over your head" so you "cut her off" and she tells you it's punishing. Sheesh.

My MIL left about ranting screaming voice-mails and texts for a month, told him he is no longer her family, and wrote him out of her will because: husband had to answer his boss's phone call. That's borderline. Overreacting to a nothingburger with anger - and possibly "cutting them off."

No. She tried to go see my kid at sleep away camp without my permission and when I said please don’t do that she said she didn’t need my permission and had planned to do it without telling me. I asked again not to explaining why this was a bad idea and that my kid didn’t want this and she told me I didn’t know my own kid. I then told her that I was the mother and she would not be allowed to see my child without my permission and she became furious with me and went off on a tirade, hung up on me and was extremely nasty after that for a week…until it got worse and I
Had to temporarily cut off contact.

Sound normal?

I actually do worry I have these tendencies too. But I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with and heal.

Grandma wanted to visit camp? That's your example??? Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. You don't need to get into a screaming match and ghost your mother over her visiting camp.