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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that. [/quote]

Why are some people able to see all this and still accept the terribly, terribly flawed parent as someone they love and who gave them something positive at the end of the day, while others cannot? It's interesting. I think BPD people cannot love. That's what's missing, and why they can be cut off without much ill effect. Sounds like your mom and dad both actually loved you, despite their terrible flaws. That's the glue.[/quote]

OP. That isn’t actually true, as I understand the disorder. People with BPD have often suffered abuse as well. They act out and or push away when they feel afraid of being left, and in doing so manifest people they love not wanting to be around them. Not that you couldn’t be an unloving person with BPD. But the reason I see my mom as having those tendencies is because she does display love in many ways and then it’s like she’s Harvey Dent in Batman…remember Two Face…something seemingly very small will make her totally freak out or she will nourish grudges for years and years. She’s totally irrational.

I know that for me, whether my mom is truly BPD or not…she is a very dysfunctional person who hurts me but also loves me and has been a good mom in many ways. Honestly, I know the way she treats me sometimes is abusive. I would tell someone with a spouse like that to leave. But I think you always crave your parents’ approval. Abuse doesn’t happen all the time. That was something I didn’t understand for a long time….well into my 30s.[/quote]

Mine is a BPD/NPD mix -- I have also seen it described as BPD with a narcissistic core. I do not believe she is capable of love, although she knows how to act like she loves. It's all a facade, and took me a while to see it because of course you want to think your mom loves you. HOWEVER, BPD varies in intensity, and not all of them are like my mom. They tend to all have really similar behaviors, and I believe that they are all acting out of their trauma. But they aren't all the same.

Also, they are not all monsters. They are just damaged people caught in bad behavior loops. I don't desire to have any relationship with my BPD mom, because her abuse of me led to serious coping problems that being around her is bad for my health. But other people  with less intense BPD moms and less trauma, I can see how they might balance out the good with the bad.

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