Grandparent bypassed parent to make plans directly with young child

[Anonymous]

OP, your major problem is: too much togetherness. People getting on each other's nerves. Personality conflicts are magnified. Stay in a hotel next time and always (if it means renting a car, rent a car). Stay in control of your schedule and environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Nope, plans get run by me first. I’ve told you that before and I will say it again: plans get run by me first. If that’s a problem, we can go stay at the Hampton Inn and try again tomorrow. Your choice.”

Gotta love the Tough Girl responses!

Got to love how predictably triggered Doormat Poster is when someone suggests direct communication and follow-through!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

You really couldn’t get there that I meant after the visit was over? You really couldn’t piece that together?

I bet you talk to your dad like this too. Is it that important to you to be right as opposed to being kind or diplomatic?

I was not surprised to read also that you are mad because he said he wanted to visit a lot after the baby came.

Sounds like you are very similar to him, over react and then want everybody (at least on DCUM) to agree with you.

Respect is a two-way street. No way in hell I’m being “diplomatic” (a.k.a. Swallow Your Feelings and Take Toxicity, no thanks) if I have clearly and directly communicated my wants and needs and they are ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to address your issues with your parents in a healthy, adult way because now your son is getting caught in the middle of your drama with them. What you described in my family would have been met with delight all around even if logistics needed to be navigated.

Agree. I get that you have a background with your dad, but OP you are allowing that to color how you respond to the basic annoyances of family life that most people are able to discuss/work around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

OK, so what are YOU going to do? You can’t change him, so what are YOU going to do to protect yourself and your family from a bad dynamic? Stop talking about his problems or diagnoses or whatever. What are YOU going to do?

I have repeatedly told him that he needs to clear his plans with me, but the message still hasn’t been received. What else can I do except cut off all communication?

Your child is excited to spend time with a grandfather who planned and activity and wants to be involved and isn’t local/always around. Going no-contact for this is a gross overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

Lighten up, buttercup. He sounds like a great grandfather. You, however, ... need some work.

DP btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

I'm going to say this gently and I hope you take it the right way, but your dad doesn't sound like the one who needs a diagnosis and help. Your original OP and your responses here give a strong indication that you need to work on your flexibility and ability to be spontaneous. From what you've already posted you don't have other plans, so what is the big deal here? Just that your dad didn't consult you? The activity is clearly engaging and exciting to your child, you haven't raised any safety concerns for your child or your dad, the activity doesn't interfere with any of your own plans, it is hard to see the downside. Except, oh yeah, the downside is that your feathers are ruffled so now your ruffling everyone else's. You should do some work on your rigidity. Your child is modeling himself after you. Wouldn't it be nice if he were able to be flexible and spontaneous instead of inflexible and rigid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

I'm going to say this gently and I hope you take it the right way, but your dad doesn't sound like the one who needs a diagnosis and help. Your original OP and your responses here give a strong indication that you need to work on your flexibility and ability to be spontaneous. From what you've already posted you don't have other plans, so what is the big deal here? Just that your dad didn't consult you? The activity is clearly engaging and exciting to your child, you haven't raised any safety concerns for your child or your dad, the activity doesn't interfere with any of your own plans, it is hard to see the downside. Except, oh yeah, the downside is that your feathers are ruffled so now your* ruffling everyone else's. You should do some work on your rigidity. Your child is modeling himself after you. Wouldn't it be nice if he were able to be flexible and spontaneous instead of inflexible and rigid?

*you're

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

You really couldn’t get there that I meant after the visit was over? You really couldn’t piece that together?

I bet you talk to your dad like this too. Is it that important to you to be right as opposed to being kind or diplomatic?

I was not surprised to read also that you are mad because he said he wanted to visit a lot after the baby came.

Sounds like you are very similar to him, over react and then want everybody (at least on DCUM) to agree with you.

Respect is a two-way street. No way in hell I’m being “diplomatic” (a.k.a. Swallow Your Feelings and Take Toxicity, no thanks) if I have clearly and directly communicated my wants and needs and they are ignored.

Ok grandpa. Your child is the main person who will pay the price for your stubbornness. Keep in mind also that you too might be old someday, and good luck with that!

[Anonymous]

YTA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to address your issues with your parents in a healthy, adult way because now your son is getting caught in the middle of your drama with them. What you described in my family would have been met with delight all around even if logistics needed to be navigated.

Agree. I get that you have a background with your dad, but OP you are allowing that to color how you respond to the basic annoyances of family life that most people are able to discuss/work around.

Sounds like OP's father has been treating OP as if they don't deserve respect, and this is just one more example. Some parents treat their kids like they're nothing, and they can't stop doing that when they grow up, either. Then they have kids and it's a real dilemma because the parents just can't admit their adult kids, who they think of as immature little nothings that they have a right to disrespect, are in charge of their grandchildren.

OP, I get it. Posters from healthy families will never understand. You are the parent. Don't let your father undermine you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little background, my father is constantly trying to make plans on behalf of other people. When I was pregnant he announced that he expected to spend at least one weekend per month visiting without asking me if that would work. He buys tickets to visit and I have to dodge his calls so he doesn’t actually just show up. No amount of time spent together is enough.

I don’t know what the diagnosis is, but it doesn’t seem normal.

I'm going to say this gently and I hope you take it the right way, but your dad doesn't sound like the one who needs a diagnosis and help. Your original OP and your responses here give a strong indication that you need to work on your flexibility and ability to be spontaneous. From what you've already posted you don't have other plans, so what is the big deal here? Just that your dad didn't consult you? The activity is clearly engaging and exciting to your child, you haven't raised any safety concerns for your child or your dad, the activity doesn't interfere with any of your own plans, it is hard to see the downside. Except, oh yeah, the downside is that your feathers are ruffled so now your* ruffling everyone else's. You should do some work on your rigidity. Your child is modeling himself after you. Wouldn't it be nice if he were able to be flexible and spontaneous instead of inflexible and rigid?

*you're

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send him a text:

“Dad, in the future, do not make plans or promises with Rachael without checking with me first. I wanted to communicate this to you so that you will feel comfortable with me in the future, knowing what my expectations are. I hope I can also feel comfortable knowing that you will respect my decision on this. Thank you.”

Send a text under the same roof? Wtf?

You really couldn’t get there that I meant after the visit was over? You really couldn’t piece that together?

I bet you talk to your dad like this too. Is it that important to you to be right as opposed to being kind or diplomatic?

I was not surprised to read also that you are mad because he said he wanted to visit a lot after the baby came.

Sounds like you are very similar to him, over react and then want everybody (at least on DCUM) to agree with you.

Respect is a two-way street. No way in hell I’m being “diplomatic” (a.k.a. Swallow Your Feelings and Take Toxicity, no thanks) if I have clearly and directly communicated my wants and needs and they are ignored.

Ok grandpa. Your child is the main person who will pay the price for your stubbornness. Keep in mind also that you too might be old someday, and good luck with that!

Being respectful, listening and being flexible are all things that old people are capable of. Ageist much?

[Anonymous]

Jesus what a control freak. I'd love it if my parents made plans with my kids. But OP is just spoiling for a fight vs unclenching a bit and letting her kid have some fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - you are staying at his house and he came up with an activity to do with his grandson while you are there? I'd be thrilled!

An activity out of the house without saying to me “hey, I was thinking about doing this, would you be okay with that? You weren’t planning anything else right now, were you?”

It’s a pretty simple courtesy.

You're visiting them. What else would you be doing? Don't be such a jerk.