Would you be friendly with SIL & BIL after they decided you are an awful family member?

[Anonymous]

OP, is it really worth this amount of your energy? Grudge holding is exhausting. You don't have to be best friends with these people but it's time to let it go. Accept that they are never going to apologize, and you aren't going to get what you want from them. At this point, being mad about it is just hurting yourself. Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. My DH shared my opinion on this. The difference is that I expressed my thoughts first (via the group chat) before DH did.

Yeah, you basically set yourself up to be the bad guy. Why? Obviously it was an absurd request, but you jumped in when everyone was worried and stressed and made yourself look like the a-hole. You should have just let DH handle it, or just not even commented. It was pretty presumptuous of them to say that MIL would move in with you, but at the end of the day they had no control over that situation. You didn't even have to acknowledge it. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

NP, here to tell you you are ridiculous to be criticizing OP. You clearly have never dealt with a person with dementia. Routine is extremely important to make them feel comfortable and slow the progression of the disease. Covid or no Covid, you don’t make a dramatic change in the elderly person’s life that is guaranteed to cause massive anxiety and almost surely spark a downward spiral.

OP, your only mistake was sending your entirely appropriate message yourself instead of having DH do it. I agree with others that these emotionally immature people seem to have come to realized their behavior was inappropriate. I’d let it go with the SILs. The BIL is different. Unless he apologizes for his attacks on you, I’d go out of my way to avoid him. It sounds like your DH did not demand an apology in the moment or after. I’m sorry. That really s*cks.

OP here. Thank you. It was 2 years ago and by that time MIL had started sundowning and wandering around in the middle of the night. What if she had fallen down the stairs when we were sleeping? I can just imagine we would have been blamed for it.

DH never demanded an apology from BIL (his sister's husband) for attacking me. DH simply said that I'm a free agent and I can do and say what I like. To this day BIL has not apologized or even mentioned the incident to me, as if it never happened. As a matter of fact he hasn't spoken to me since though he has replied to some messages I posted on the group chat (unrelated). But mostly he doesn't reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

NP, here to tell you you are ridiculous to be criticizing OP. You clearly have never dealt with a person with dementia. Routine is extremely important to make them feel comfortable and slow the progression of the disease. Covid or no Covid, you don’t make a dramatic change in the elderly person’s life that is guaranteed to cause massive anxiety and almost surely spark a downward spiral.

OP, your only mistake was sending your entirely appropriate message yourself instead of having DH do it. I agree with others that these emotionally immature people seem to have come to realized their behavior was inappropriate. I’d let it go with the SILs. The BIL is different. Unless he apologizes for his attacks on you, I’d go out of my way to avoid him. It sounds like your DH did not demand an apology in the moment or after. I’m sorry. That really s*cks.

OP here. Thank you. It was 2 years ago and by that time MIL had started sundowning and wandering around in the middle of the night. What if she had fallen down the stairs when we were sleeping? I can just imagine we would have been blamed for it.

DH never demanded an apology from BIL (his sister's husband) for attacking me. DH simply said that I'm a free agent and I can do and say what I like. To this day BIL has not apologized or even mentioned the incident to me, as if it never happened. As a matter of fact he hasn't spoken to me since though he has replied to some messages I posted on the group chat (unrelated). But mostly he doesn't reply.

OP, what's the question here? It sounds like they are already avoiding you, which seems to be what you want. So what is the problem? Are you mad they didn't apologize? Or are you mad that your husband didn't insist that they apologize? Those are different issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a family group text with my DH, his 2 younger sisters and the husband of one of the two sisters.

In 2020, at the start of the pandemic, one of my SILs asked a question on the family group chat. It was about a family matter, related to their elderly mother, my MIL. In reply to this I expressed my opinion and said it was a really bad idea, because of x, y and z. I gave clear reasons why I thought it was a bad idea.

Both SILs got upset. SIL1 rang my husband to complain about me. A few weeks later she blocked me from messaging her privately. Up until this time both my SILs hadn't said anything to me directly (verbally).

Three months later my DH texted BIL about something unrelated and mentioned that I was still blocked by SIL (his sister). BIL replied angrily to DH and said I had caused them stress and then went on to list my failings and shortcomings as a family member and a person. All of this in a text.
DH then rang BIL and they had an argument.

Fast forward to Christmas 2020 and SIL1 gets in touch with me again as if nothing had happened.

I saw SIL1 again at a family function recently (first time we saw each other in person since late 2019). She was cordial but we didn't really talk. I haven't seen BIL, her husband, since all of this happened.
I am still on the family group text.

Both SILs have never talked to me about all this in person.

Life is too short to put up with petty a$$hats. I would have a polite greeting when I had to have an interaction with both SILs and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

NP, here to tell you you are ridiculous to be criticizing OP. You clearly have never dealt with a person with dementia. Routine is extremely important to make them feel comfortable and slow the progression of the disease. Covid or no Covid, you don’t make a dramatic change in the elderly person’s life that is guaranteed to cause massive anxiety and almost surely spark a downward spiral.

OP, your only mistake was sending your entirely appropriate message yourself instead of having DH do it. I agree with others that these emotionally immature people seem to have come to realized their behavior was inappropriate. I’d let it go with the SILs. The BIL is different. Unless he apologizes for his attacks on you, I’d go out of my way to avoid him. It sounds like your DH did not demand an apology in the moment or after. I’m sorry. That really s*cks.

OP here. Thank you. It was 2 years ago and by that time MIL had started sundowning and wandering around in the middle of the night. What if she had fallen down the stairs when we were sleeping? I can just imagine we would have been blamed for it.

DH never demanded an apology from BIL (his sister's husband) for attacking me. DH simply said that I'm a free agent and I can do and say what I like. To this day BIL has not apologized or even mentioned the incident to me, as if it never happened. As a matter of fact he hasn't spoken to me since though he has replied to some messages I posted on the group chat (unrelated). But mostly he doesn't reply.

OP, what's the question here? It sounds like they are already avoiding you, which seems to be what you want. So what is the problem? Are you mad they didn't apologize? Or are you mad that your husband didn't insist that they apologize? Those are different issues.

OP. I expected BIL to apologize, either to me or to DH, for his vitriolic attack on me as a person, but he never did. At the time I was so hurt by this that I felt at my lowest ever. No one had ever said (written) such things about me.

Anyway I saw my SILs again at a family function recently (which prompted me to write this post). First time we saw each other again in person since late 2019. They acted like their old selves again, as if nothing had happened. BIL wasn't there. I just feel it's surreal that none of my inlaws have actually said a word about it. It just felt awkward.
Don't know how to act if/when I see BIL again.

[Anonymous]

Wow, they have nerve suggesting something for which the burden would have fallen mainly on you and then being mad when you gave your response. What they were mad at is that you didn’t agree to their plan. That’s unreasonable. But maybe your tone was testy because you were pissed by their suggestion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

NP, here to tell you you are ridiculous to be criticizing OP. You clearly have never dealt with a person with dementia. Routine is extremely important to make them feel comfortable and slow the progression of the disease. Covid or no Covid, you don’t make a dramatic change in the elderly person’s life that is guaranteed to cause massive anxiety and almost surely spark a downward spiral.

OP, your only mistake was sending your entirely appropriate message yourself instead of having DH do it. I agree with others that these emotionally immature people seem to have come to realized their behavior was inappropriate. I’d let it go with the SILs. The BIL is different. Unless he apologizes for his attacks on you, I’d go out of my way to avoid him. It sounds like your DH did not demand an apology in the moment or after. I’m sorry. That really s*cks.

OP here. Thank you. It was 2 years ago and by that time MIL had started sundowning and wandering around in the middle of the night. What if she had fallen down the stairs when we were sleeping? I can just imagine we would have been blamed for it.

DH never demanded an apology from BIL (his sister's husband) for attacking me. DH simply said that I'm a free agent and I can do and say what I like. To this day BIL has not apologized or even mentioned the incident to me, as if it never happened. As a matter of fact he hasn't spoken to me since though he has replied to some messages I posted on the group chat (unrelated). But mostly he doesn't reply.

OP, what's the question here? It sounds like they are already avoiding you, which seems to be what you want. So what is the problem? Are you mad they didn't apologize? Or are you mad that your husband didn't insist that they apologize? Those are different issues.

OP. I expected BIL to apologize, either to me or to DH, for his vitriolic attack on me as a person, but he never did. At the time I was so hurt by this that I felt at my lowest ever. No one had ever said (written) such things about me.

Anyway I saw my SILs again at a family function recently (which prompted me to write this post). First time we saw each other again in person since late 2019. They acted like their old selves again, as if nothing had happened. BIL wasn't there. I just feel it's surreal that none of my inlaws have actually said a word about it. It just felt awkward.
Don't know how to act if/when I see BIL again.

Do you expect your SILs to apologize on your BIL's behalf? If not, then it's not reasonable to expect that they would change their behavior toward you.

If you want an apology from BIL, you can tell him so. If you are expecting him to apologize without prompting, it seems very unlikely that will happen. So it's really up to you. You can just let it go, or you can tell him you want him to apologize. I suppose the middle ground would be to say nothing but refuse to talk to him whenever you see him, but that seems like a lot of effort and sort of childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

OP, as someone who went through something similar with FIL, don't worry too much about it. It's your house and your life. It's a lot to handle someone with dementia.

In our case, it took DH exploding on the entire extended family when they were sh**-talking us for not taking him in personally, etc, etc. I think they didn't want the responsibility. They were also only interested in pillaging the estate and not actually caring about him at all. Same happened with the grandfather to speed up inheritance.

I blocked/unfriended the ILs involved. We have no interest in them or being further harassed. What you do depends on what kind of relationship you have and want to have with your ILs. I don't want a relationship with mine and I ignore them reaching out as does DH. They've been consistently abusive (12y+ now) so there is nothing there for us or our children.

I would be cordial and I don't go out of my way to see the family member who wildly overstepped on my side. I just don't engage and focus my energy elsewhere. I don't take cutting people off lightly, either. It's just obvious to all involved that the dynamics will not change and it was bringing significant disruption to our marriage, health and happiness.

Don't apologize or rug sweep for speaking up though. They also owe you an apology for attacking you. Would it have been better to have your DH say it? Eh, maybe. But you'd likely have been the scapegoat anyway and this way they know you aren't a doormat and the attacks are inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, they have nerve suggesting something for which the burden would have fallen mainly on you and then being mad when you gave your response. What they were mad at is that you didn’t agree to their plan. That’s unreasonable. But maybe your tone was testy because you were pissed by their suggestion?

OP. Yes, they were mad because I didn't agree to their plan. More importantly they were mad because for the first time in the 22 years since I had married into their family, I openly said NO to a family matter - one that would affect our household.

All those years my SILs have never shown any interest in our life and my attempts to form a closer bond with them were ignored. So yes, I was pissed by their their suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, they have nerve suggesting something for which the burden would have fallen mainly on you and then being mad when you gave your response. What they were mad at is that you didn’t agree to their plan. That’s unreasonable. But maybe your tone was testy because you were pissed by their suggestion?

OP. Yes, they were mad because I didn't agree to their plan. More importantly they were mad because for the first time in the 22 years since I had married into their family, I openly said NO to a family matter - one that would affect our household.

All those years my SILs have never shown any interest in our life and my attempts to form a closer bond with them were ignored. So yes, I was pissed by their their suggestion.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. I would have remained silent about their offer for you to host the MIL. And then have DH respond.
I disagree with other responders here to just let it go. I'm not saying to hold a grudge but to understand that just letting this kind of behavior go essentially normalizes it.
The result is that this behavior becomes routine. The SILs will gang up again, then expect you to just get over it again.

Be polite but maintain boundaries. Diplomacy without emotions.

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds like my in laws, rug sweepers who can never even say 'my bad, sorry!'.

I think a lot of this is because people get embarrassed (your BIL/SIL), and have a tough time putting one foot in front of another to say sorry. It's them, not you.

You know better now, be polite, but that is it.

My in laws did something much more egregious, so we don't talk with them, but if they did they would want to rug sweep the issue. My husband continues to be shocked that they have no humility, but some people just... don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, they have nerve suggesting something for which the burden would have fallen mainly on you and then being mad when you gave your response. What they were mad at is that you didn’t agree to their plan. That’s unreasonable. But maybe your tone was testy because you were pissed by their suggestion?

OP. Yes, they were mad because I didn't agree to their plan. More importantly they were mad because for the first time in the 22 years since I had married into their family, I openly said NO to a family matter - one that would affect our household.

All those years my SILs have never shown any interest in our life and my attempts to form a closer bond with them were ignored. So yes, I was pissed by their their suggestion.

I hear you, OP. It is nearly impossible to be liked by your husband's sisters or mother (I'm surprised to hear your MIL likes you--you must be doing something right). The first time I finally said no to my MIL after 25 years of marriage, she and FIL got in the car, she told him she was having a heart attack, and spent the night in the hospital. To this day, she claims--though never to me, only to my husband, his sisters, and cousins--that I caused her to have a heart attack. And I could not care less. They spend much less time with us, mostly because she found out I know about her ridiculous claim and she's embarrassed, which is fine by me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be polite. And I would never have weighed in on the conversation in the first place.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be polite. And I would never have weighed in on the conversation in the first place.

+1

+2. I did stuff like you early in the marriage OP. But after 10 years I know not to do anything in the family chat other than share kid pics and tell other people their kid pics are cute