Would you be friendly with SIL & BIL after they decided you are an awful family member?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they thought you were treating their mother unfairly/unkindly/cruelly. If that wasn’t your intention you should raise the issue now *to apologize* and let the water go under the bridge. Your defensiveness (“they decided I am an awful family member!”) without taking any responsibility for your role in creating the conflict will not serve you well.

[Anonymous]

Are you the 50 something poster with the deceased parents?

[Anonymous]

Depends on what you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and I have a big blowup a few years ago where she just started berating me over nothing. (It followed on a couple of years where she’d been sort of nasty to me, for reasons I never understood.) aWe are now in a space where we are cordial, do things like family parties in the same space, etc. I will never trust her and I will never like her again. But it’s best for everyone involved, including my parents, my siblings, my kids and their cousins, that we just outwardly pretend it never happened. I don’t forget though. And I have some lingering resentment that my own siblings didn’t stand up for me more but I need to let that go. We aren’t a confrontational group, as a family, and I’m sure they didn’t want to put my brother in a bad situation where he ended up estranged. But it drives me nuts that everyone acts like she’s a great person when she’s really a nasty bully.

NP here. I’m in a similar boat. I commiserate with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they thought you were treating their mother unfairly/unkindly/cruelly. If that wasn’t your intention you should raise the issue now *to apologize* and let the water go under the bridge. Your defensiveness (“they decided I am an awful family member!”) without taking any responsibility for your role in creating the conflict will not serve you well.

MIL and I get along just fine. I like her and she likes me.

[Anonymous]

What were the other grievances they brought up? It might be worth considering whether the other complaints they had about you have justification or if they were just making up crap about you because they were annoyed. You’re only real play here seems to be to just sweep it under the carpet and move forward without expecting an apology or any kind of genuine connection. They showed you what they are like, and for the sake of keeping the peace now you know not to respond directly to such texts. And you also know that you have to be a little guarded around them. You can be cordial without being intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

[Anonymous]

P.S. My DH shared my opinion on this. The difference is that I expressed my thoughts first (via the group chat) before DH did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they thought you were treating their mother unfairly/unkindly/cruelly. If that wasn’t your intention you should raise the issue now *to apologize* and let the water go under the bridge. Your defensiveness (“they decided I am an awful family member!”) without taking any responsibility for your role in creating the conflict will not serve you well.

MIL and I get along just fine. I like her and she likes me.

Which of my points does that address? Just because they thought you were being cruel/unkind/unfair doesn’t mean you were and it’s fine to apologize for a misunderstanding. Also since you’re refusing to address the root of the problem it’s entirely possible you’re enabling a bad choice of MIL which might even make her like you better while also you’re in the wrong. I’ve certainly seen that before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

[Anonymous]

I am a SIL who is driven crazy by my brother's wife. She thinks she can give her opinion on things regarding my parents, her in laws. Nope. If she has opinions, then she needs to tell my brother, then he and I can discuss.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP with the SIL who drives me crazy. I just read the reason why OP's SILs got upset.

In this case, no way would I accept them saying the MIL should come live with us. They are being unreasonable, and they sound like the probably boss their brother around that they could unilaterally suggest that.

That said, OP still should have gotten DH to be the one to say it.

[Anonymous]

I should also mention that I am originally from a different culture where we have a very direct communication style.

OP, then why don't you ask SIL1 what happened, tell her that you did not mean to offend but hoped to be helpful, that you were pained by the silent treatment, that you value your relationship and hope you can all move forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

OP. In the end MIL stayed in her own home, with the assistance from her aides and helpers (they were very cautious).

As it happens MIL never caught Covid and she is still alive and well.
DH and both got Covid and it took us several weeks to recover completely. Living in a rural area is no guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. What did you say, OP? Any opinion must take this into consideration.

OP. In the group chat my SIL asked (suggested) that MIL could come stay with us for as long as there is a pandemic. MIL and SILs live in a large town, we live rural. They thought MIL would catch Covid quicker in a large town and die. I said no.

MIL is 90+ years old and she has dementia. She needs help with bathing, grooming, personal care and other things. DH was WFH full time during the pandemic and he locked himself away in his home office all day long, so the responsibility of taking care of MIL would have landed on my shoulders.

Our house is not suited to a fragile, elderly person with dementia. I don't feel I'm equipped to deal with this. Frankly I didn't want anyone living with us, neither from his family nor mine.

MIL lives in a comfortable town house and has several aides and helpers. My opinion was that she should stay in her own familiar surroundings and with a routine she was used to.
This, in a nutshell, is why my inlaws got mad at me.

So they were entirely right that a rotating cast of aides and helpers put your fragile MIL at a dramatically increased risk of death. It was selfish of them to try to strong arm you into playing caregiver (realistically they could have done it in their large town with proper precautions) and it was selfish of you to leave her at risk (you really got lucky given that dynamic with caregivers).

NP, here to tell you you are ridiculous to be criticizing OP. You clearly have never dealt with a person with dementia. Routine is extremely important to make them feel comfortable and slow the progression of the disease. Covid or no Covid, you don’t make a dramatic change in the elderly person’s life that is guaranteed to cause massive anxiety and almost surely spark a downward spiral.

OP, your only mistake was sending your entirely appropriate message yourself instead of having DH do it. I agree with others that these emotionally immature people seem to have come to realized their behavior was inappropriate. I’d let it go with the SILs. The BIL is different. Unless he apologizes for his attacks on you, I’d go out of my way to avoid him. It sounds like your DH did not demand an apology in the moment or after. I’m sorry. That really s*cks.