Would you be friendly with SIL & BIL after they decided you are an awful family member?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your in-laws are touchy little brats, BUT you started it. I'm on group emails with my in-laws and I NEVER criticize. My husband is on group emails with my family and he never opines unless someone asks him a medical question directly (he's a doctor). Being included in the group is just so you're kept informed and your spouse doesn't have to relay everything back to you.

In-law group comm = Read-only, not Read and Edit

Give them a second chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

OK, well apparently what you said or the way you said it offended them, and now they don’t like you. What do you want or expect?

[Anonymous]

If the issue in the group chat had something to do with providing care for MIL, which would have affected OP, I can see why she would want to weigh in. However, it would have been best if OPs comments had come from her DH, since it’s his family. In some families, ILs can never say anything right and are nothing but an easy scapegoat. Ask me how I know. The best thing to do going forward, OP, is to keep your mouth shut unless a question is directed specifically to you.

[Anonymous]

I had something similar happen in my husband's family. His grandpa was going deaf and I asked if FIL was looking into a hearing aid for him. He said it was too expensive (this being the same guy who spends money like water.) I found some low-cost options and sent them to him, which he ignored. Then I asked him months later if he had looked into them. He basically told me I wasn't part of the family and to forget about it (at that time we were married for 5 years or so.) F these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

OK, well apparently what you said or the way you said it offended them, and now they don’t like you. What do you want or expect?

OP. Well, don't you find it weird that my two SILs have never actually TALKED to my about any of this? The original question was by text, so I replied by text. If I offended my SILs by expressing an opinion, why didn't they phone me (or even set up a Zoom call - because of distance) to calmly discuss it?

Now both SILs are friendly again but it was never talked about in person. Just weird.

I should also mention that I am originally from a different culture where we have a very direct communication style.

[Anonymous]

My SIL and I have a big blowup a few years ago where she just started berating me over nothing. (It followed on a couple of years where she’d been sort of nasty to me, for reasons I never understood.) aWe are now in a space where we are cordial, do things like family parties in the same space, etc. I will never trust her and I will never like her again. But it’s best for everyone involved, including my parents, my siblings, my kids and their cousins, that we just outwardly pretend it never happened. I don’t forget though. And I have some lingering resentment that my own siblings didn’t stand up for me more but I need to let that go. We aren’t a confrontational group, as a family, and I’m sure they didn’t want to put my brother in a bad situation where he ended up estranged. But it drives me nuts that everyone acts like she’s a great person when she’s really a nasty bully.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m the PP who talked about scapegoating. My ILs do the same thing. They do something hurtful or get upset with something I did or didn’t do, then they talk to my DH about it and usually cap things off with the silent treatment for a period of time. When they’re done being mad, they then act like nothing happened and expect me to do the same. Just play along and never share anything meaningful with them. It’s better this way, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m the PP who talked about scapegoating. My ILs do the same thing. They do something hurtful or get upset with something I did or didn’t do, then they talk to my DH about it and usually cap things off with the silent treatment for a period of time. When they’re done being mad, they then act like nothing happened and expect me to do the same. Just play along and never share anything meaningful with them. It’s better this way, trust me.

OP again. Thanks for your feedback.
I wish my DH had questioned his sister about her silent treatment of me (not speaking, blocking me), but he didn't. I get that DH felt like he was in an awkward position given that the original question asked in the group text was about their mother, who they all adore (and who is a very nice lady).

I just thought that they overreacted in a childish way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

OK, well apparently what you said or the way you said it offended them, and now they don’t like you. What do you want or expect?

OP. Well, don't you find it weird that my two SILs have never actually TALKED to my about any of this? The original question was by text, so I replied by text. If I offended my SILs by expressing an opinion, why didn't they phone me (or even set up a Zoom call - because of distance) to calmly discuss it?

Now both SILs are friendly again but it was never talked about in person. Just weird.

I should also mention that I am originally from a different culture where we have a very direct communication style.

OP, since it sounds like there's once again friendly communication, just try to move on a bit. Fretting over who's right, who's wrong, why BIL gets to opine and you don't, and why they don't acknowledge their alleged wrongdoing is just a massive waste of time.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you say in your text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

NP. You should continue to do so, because you are not BIL's family. Your husband is. Anything that needs to be said, he can say it.

[Anonymous]

Them trying to be cordial again is taking a step towards you. It's not a step that involves a direct discussion of what went wrong, obviously. But it is a kind of concession that they overreacted and are seeing it in a new light.

Likewise, I think you should take a step towards them and accept their overtures without demanding an apology. Give some grace for their being stressed by the pandemic at the time, and for not understanding your cultural background's influence on your communication style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is on you. Unless you've been married forever and have a super close relationship with your SILs, you should have kept your mouth shut about their mother. Whatever you said in that text could easily have just been said to your husband in private.

You blew it. You failed Being A Smart IL 101.

We've been married for 24 years. I am on the family group text and my SIL asked a direct question. What's the point of being on a group text if one isn't allowed to express their opinion? It's only an opinion after all, not a summons.

I should have kept my mouth shut ... but what about BIL? He's a BIL, not a son.

I’m a pp and I have uncles who still don’t comment after over 50 years ‘in’ the family. Just because you’re in the group chat (or even in person having a group conversation) you still don’t criticize. Is this the first time you’ve done this in 24 years? And to compare your relationship to the family to your DH BILs is meaningless. You two are different people/ personalities and I’m sure say different things to different people. OP you messed up on this one.

OP here. Yes, it was the first time in 24 years that I expressed an opinion on a family matter. I usually keep my opinions on such things to myself.

The reason I spoke out this time (well by text) is that this family matter would have affected me and DH - our household.

OK, well apparently what you said or the way you said it offended them, and now they don’t like you. What do you want or expect?

OP. Well, don't you find it weird that my two SILs have never actually TALKED to my about any of this? The original question was by text, so I replied by text. If I offended my SILs by expressing an opinion, why didn't they phone me (or even set up a Zoom call - because of distance) to calmly discuss it?

Now both SILs are friendly again but it was never talked about in person. Just weird.

I should also mention that I am originally from a different culture where we have a very direct communication style.

Not everyone has a veru direct communication style OP. I am from the US south and it is usually much better to ignore a argumentative situation than to deal with it directly--depending on where yur inlaws are from, a direct style may be seen as combative. And the more something is argued about, the less you will see those people.

The fact that they have come back around now means they are over it.

[Anonymous]

No. I would be polite and distant.