Jealous SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, op! I mean, talk about the lack of self-reflection! You sound like an uppity, insecure snobbish type who has no idea what values matter in grown-up life and families.
Your SIL might be this or that, but she sure doesn't seem stuck in the HS mentality you are clearly in and mistake it for "worldliness!"

OP here. I am insecure? Oh please. I am not the one getting pissed over an exgf of my husband. I am not the one who makes her husband call his sister about his upset spouse. If she had beef with me, she should've been the one to call me. That's what adults do. So yes, tell me again how I am the one who's insecure.

I love that insecure is the only thing you take issue with.

Apparently the words uppity and snobbish and lack of understanding values and misunderstanding worldliness do apply!

Just because OP doesn't want to hang out with SIL doesn't make her snobby. Her SIL sounds immature if anything. Why get in between sister and brother and not address her concerns with OP directly?

Just because someone is married to your sibling doesn't require you to be all buddy-buddy with them. And there's nothing "uppity" about it. People are different, you shouldn't force them on each other.

Sure, all you wrote is correct. But, then there is this from OP that has nothing at all to do with the topic, just a side serving of "I am so better than her."
Several years ago my brother married SIL; she is a nice woman but our personalities are just so different. I am polite to her, I try to spoil my nieces and nephew but we really don't have much to talk about other than the kids. I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it does bother your brother that you hang out with his ex and he just let it go until his wife also expressed her feelings.

Well if the wife of OP's brother chooses to get hysterical over this ...

There's no way in the world that anyone could dictate who I should or should not be friends with. My DH is still friends with the sister of his ex GF. They sometimes meet for lunch. Without me. DH and his ex lived together 30 years ago. Doesn't bother me at all.

The difference with your situation is that your DH is the one who has the friendship with the sibling of his ex. The ex is not the one who is keeping up a close friendship with a member of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, op! I mean, talk about the lack of self-reflection! You sound like an uppity, insecure snobbish type who has no idea what values matter in grown-up life and families.
Your SIL might be this or that, but she sure doesn't seem stuck in the HS mentality you are clearly in and mistake it for "worldliness!"

OP here. I am insecure? Oh please. I am not the one getting pissed over an exgf of my husband. I am not the one who makes her husband call his sister about his upset spouse. If she had beef with me, she should've been the one to call me. That's what adults do. So yes, tell me again how I am the one who's insecure.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you talk about your brother and his family to the ex-gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

I can't even answer your question because the above statement stands out so strongly. Did you realize how condescending this sounds? I can't imagine how you are with her if this is how you talk about her with strangers. Yes them asking you to end the friendship seems a little over the top but you really need to examine your part is all of this. I have very little in common with my two SILs and we get along fine. Yes they have their quirks but I do too. You are painting yourself here as "good" and your SIL as "bad" and I can't help but wonder if that comes across in your interactions with your SIL. I also wonder if your friendship with the ex-gf has created some kind of triangle that you knowingly or unknowingly exploit or flaunt, which is why there is resentment.

Excellent point. It is unusual for a sibling to maintain, let alone nurture, a close relationship with their sibling’s ex. It shows an insensitivity to their sibling’s feelings and lack of boundaries, at best. OP’s brother has asked her to discontinue the relationship for his sake. Will she respect his feelings now or will hers take priority yet again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, op! I mean, talk about the lack of self-reflection! You sound like an uppity, insecure snobbish type who has no idea what values matter in grown-up life and families.
Your SIL might be this or that, but she sure doesn't seem stuck in the HS mentality you are clearly in and mistake it for "worldliness!"

OP here. I am insecure? Oh please. I am not the one getting pissed over an exgf of my husband. I am not the one who makes her husband call his sister about his upset spouse. If she had beef with me, she should've been the one to call me. That's what adults do. So yes, tell me again how I am the one who's insecure.

You didn’t answer the question about whether you talk about your brother and his family to the ex-gf.

OP: we don't talk about her. But they do see posts on IG, see that we hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

I can't even answer your question because the above statement stands out so strongly. Did you realize how condescending this sounds? I can't imagine how you are with her if this is how you talk about her with strangers. Yes them asking you to end the friendship seems a little over the top but you really need to examine your part is all of this. I have very little in common with my two SILs and we get along fine. Yes they have their quirks but I do too. You are painting yourself here as "good" and your SIL as "bad" and I can't help but wonder if that comes across in your interactions with your SIL. I also wonder if your friendship with the ex-gf has created some kind of triangle that you knowingly or unknowingly exploit or flaunt, which is why there is resentment.

Excellent point. It is unusual for a sibling to maintain, let alone nurture, a close relationship with their sibling’s ex. It shows an insensitivity to their sibling’s feelings and lack of boundaries, at best. OP’s brother has asked her to discontinue the relationship for his sake. Will she respect his feelings now or will hers take priority yet again?

OP: my brother was aware we were friends and didn't care. He still doesn't care but apparently his wife does. Boundaries? What exactly did we do that is so awful? Also, he didn't ask me to discontinue the relationship, he just said his wife was upset.

[Anonymous]

OP it comes down to this simple point- You are not nice and/or appear to have very little interest in your SIL but maintain what seems to be a very delightful one with the Ex. It stings. If you don't want to discontinue the relationship with the Ex, try to at least appear to attempt to make your chilly relationship with your SIL a little warmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

I can't even answer your question because the above statement stands out so strongly. Did you realize how condescending this sounds? I can't imagine how you are with her if this is how you talk about her with strangers. Yes them asking you to end the friendship seems a little over the top but you really need to examine your part is all of this. I have very little in common with my two SILs and we get along fine. Yes they have their quirks but I do too. You are painting yourself here as "good" and your SIL as "bad" and I can't help but wonder if that comes across in your interactions with your SIL. I also wonder if your friendship with the ex-gf has created some kind of triangle that you knowingly or unknowingly exploit or flaunt, which is why there is resentment.

Excellent point. It is unusual for a sibling to maintain, let alone nurture, a close relationship with their sibling’s ex. It shows an insensitivity to their sibling’s feelings and lack of boundaries, at best. OP’s brother has asked her to discontinue the relationship for his sake. Will she respect his feelings now or will hers take priority yet again?

OP: my brother was aware we were friends and didn't care. He still doesn't care but apparently his wife does. Boundaries? What exactly did we do that is so awful? Also, he didn't ask me to discontinue the relationship, he just said his wife was upset.

Now you are changing your story. In your previous post you said, “He now calls me and asks if I can stop being friends with her "for his sake". “

You are not credible, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

I can't even answer your question because the above statement stands out so strongly. Did you realize how condescending this sounds? I can't imagine how you are with her if this is how you talk about her with strangers. Yes them asking you to end the friendship seems a little over the top but you really need to examine your part is all of this. I have very little in common with my two SILs and we get along fine. Yes they have their quirks but I do too. You are painting yourself here as "good" and your SIL as "bad" and I can't help but wonder if that comes across in your interactions with your SIL. I also wonder if your friendship with the ex-gf has created some kind of triangle that you knowingly or unknowingly exploit or flaunt, which is why there is resentment.

Excellent point. It is unusual for a sibling to maintain, let alone nurture, a close relationship with their sibling’s ex. It shows an insensitivity to their sibling’s feelings and lack of boundaries, at best. OP’s brother has asked her to discontinue the relationship for his sake. Will she respect his feelings now or will hers take priority yet again?

OP: my brother was aware we were friends and didn't care. He still doesn't care but apparently his wife does. Boundaries? What exactly did we do that is so awful? Also, he didn't ask me to discontinue the relationship, he just said his wife was upset.

Now you are changing your story. In your previous post you said, “He now calls me and asks if I can stop being friends with her "for his sake". “

You are not credible, OP.

yes, he NOW calls me and ask to stop being friends with her. It was never an issue before, we've been friends for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it comes down to this simple point- You are not nice and/or appear to have very little interest in your SIL but maintain what seems to be a very delightful one with the Ex. It stings. If you don't want to discontinue the relationship with the Ex, try to at least appear to attempt to make your chilly relationship with your SIL a little warmer.

Look, we have a cordial (or so I thought) relationship with SIL. We are not mean to each other, we don't hang out with each other, it's always been like that. When we meet at family functions, there is little for us to talk about other than the kids and THAT'S OK. Do I really have to pick and choose friends at my age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it comes down to this simple point- You are not nice and/or appear to have very little interest in your SIL but maintain what seems to be a very delightful one with the Ex. It stings. If you don't want to discontinue the relationship with the Ex, try to at least appear to attempt to make your chilly relationship with your SIL a little warmer.

Look, we have a cordial (or so I thought) relationship with SIL. We are not mean to each other, we don't hang out with each other, it's always been like that. When we meet at family functions, there is little for us to talk about other than the kids and THAT'S OK. Do I really have to pick and choose friends at my age?

DP. I have a really hard time understanding how you can't possibly come up with ANYTHING else to talk about with this woman other than the kids. Do you even try to talk to her about other things? Have you tried to get to know her at all?

It truly sounds like you make no effort with your SIL - clearly because you think she's beneath you since she doesn't share your worldly interests - yet you maintain a good friendship with the ex. Your brother and SIL cannot dictate who you can be friends with, but consider the optics here. Perhaps it a bit more understandable why your SIL is bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

OP. Yes, I think we are different. We do not have any common interests. She only talks about kids and housekeeping. I can sustain these conversations for so long. Do you suggest I fake it? I don't think she is a mean person, or a dumb one. We don't have to be friends; I certainly don't want to push myself to be friends with someone I have almost nothing in common.

As far as my friendship with his ex, she sees pictures on Instagram. SIL actually follows exgf even though she never met her face to face.

I'm not reading this whole thing, but, just quit posting your friendship on instagram. They don't even need to know you two are friendly. I would tell my brother that it really isn't any of his business who I am friends with. That is a major overreach on his part IMO.

[Anonymous]

If you know it bothers your SIL and therefore hurts your brother why would you post on FB? They have no rights to tell you to stop being friends with the ex, but you show that you clearly don’t care about their feelings if you post pictures in FB. I would never do that unless I am trying to hurt SIL…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it comes down to this simple point- You are not nice and/or appear to have very little interest in your SIL but maintain what seems to be a very delightful one with the Ex. It stings. If you don't want to discontinue the relationship with the Ex, try to at least appear to attempt to make your chilly relationship with your SIL a little warmer.

Look, we have a cordial (or so I thought) relationship with SIL. We are not mean to each other, we don't hang out with each other, it's always been like that. When we meet at family functions, there is little for us to talk about other than the kids and THAT'S OK. Do I really have to pick and choose friends at my age?

Guess you aren’t good at making women friends if you need to hang on to the one your brother had a relationship first. My brother’s relationship with me comes first. It sounds like you don’t care that much about your brother IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know it bothers your SIL and therefore hurts your brother why would you post on FB? They have no rights to tell you to stop being friends with the ex, but you show that you clearly don’t care about their feelings if you post pictures in FB. I would never do that unless I am trying to hurt SIL…

I can kind of understand your point here…. But why is SIL ‘hate following’ the ex. She must be super immature if this is how she spends her time.

Brother should be asking wife to reconsider who she follows, if she’s so sensitive to this relationship.

NP.