Jealous SIL

[Anonymous]

I am friends with my brother's exgf. They broke up 15 years ago but she and I were always friendly and over the years, our friendship evolved, we visit each other and vacation together once in a while. Several years ago my brother married SIL; she is a nice woman but our personalities are just so different. I am polite to her, I try to spoil my nieces and nephew but we really don't have much to talk about other than the kids. I mean, the woman has never been outside of the US, not because of $$ issues but because she simply doesn't want to. Her ideal vacation is her parents' lake house. She also doesn't work and I am still not sure what she did before kids. I, on the other hand, am a working mom, I am still active in our community and I don't get tired easily My ideal vacation involves a lot of movement.

Long story short, brother and SIL had a fight and she threw in his face that she is mad AT ME for hanging out with his exgf and that she thinks I am being disrespectful to her. He now calls me and asks if I can stop being friends with her "for his sake". He doesn't talk to her, but until now never voiced his opposition. We are all grown people! WWYD? Should I talk to SIL? I thought we were civil to each other but I guess she holds a grudge. It just feels so high school-ish.

[Anonymous]

She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

OP. Yes, I think we are different. We do not have any common interests. She only talks about kids and housekeeping. I can sustain these conversations for so long. Do you suggest I fake it? I don't think she is a mean person, or a dumb one. We don't have to be friends; I certainly don't want to push myself to be friends with someone I have almost nothing in common.

As far as my friendship with his ex, she sees pictures on Instagram. SIL actually follows exgf even though she never met her face to face.

[Anonymous]

Why are you better than her because you like to travel and she doesn’t? Stop with the lies about how you like her just fine or whatever. You clearly dislike her and she and your brother would be well-rid of you.

[Anonymous]

The SIL is insecure because she knows you don't like her. I would talk to her and just say "look, I know that Nancy and Brother used to date. But that was 15 years ago. There has been nothing between them for that entire time. He has known you for X years, and he loves YOU. That's what matters here. Nancy is married (or whatever) and is not pining away for Brother. She and I get along better than she ever got along with my brother! I can see how this may feel weird for you, but as I'm sure Brother has told you, there is nothing between them. He loves and adores you."

But put it in your own words. Reassure her, be kind, move on.

[Anonymous]

Your entire first paragraph is wholly irrelevant and doesn't make you look good at all.

What you describe in your second paragraph makes her look bad. Your relationship with some other person is irrelevant to her. She is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you better than her because you like to travel and she doesn’t? Stop with the lies about how you like her just fine or whatever. You clearly dislike her and she and your brother would be well-rid of you.

NP. I feel like your SIL just entered the thread. No do not give up your friendship for crazy SIL. It’s been 15 years and it is ex gf not AP….

[Anonymous]

op, again you really need to see how you are coming across. A stranger can pick up the disdain you have for her so I am sure she can as well. Yes, you try to fake it. Do you ask her about anything other than kids and housekeeping? I recently realized my SIL has never asked me a personal question, ever. After 2o+ years, I would love her to just show an iota of interest in me like I show in her. You can stand firm in your position but you are exacerbating a difficult relationship with her and your brother that will continue to deteriorate over the years.

[Anonymous]

You clearly dislike her, and if that is coming through to us it is definitely coming through to her. She is not beneath you just because she is different from you.

[Anonymous]

You sound judgmental more than she sounds jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

OP. Yes, I think we are different. We do not have any common interests. She only talks about kids and housekeeping. I can sustain these conversations for so long. Do you suggest I fake it? I don't think she is a mean person, or a dumb one. We don't have to be friends; I certainly don't want to push myself to be friends with someone I have almost nothing in common.

As far as my friendship with his ex, she sees pictures on Instagram. SIL actually follows exgf even though she never met her face to face.

NP. No, don't fake it. But you can be kind and respectful to your SIL because she is a member of your family. You are an adult and must realize that people may have different interests, but can still be kind to one another for the sake of the family. It sounds like your condescension and derision show through your interactions with her. That's not cool or nice.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever include the ex girlfriend in a get together in your home where your brother + SIL would also be there? If not, why does your brother or SIL know that you communicate with the ex girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

100% the bolded, but it's absolutely ridiculous that she even knows your friend is his ex girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nuts. You're not quite innocent yourself. Read your OP and tell me you don't drip of condescension toward her. You think she's beneath you.

I'm guessing your judgment of her comes through in your interactions. She's probably already insecure, in herself or her marriage. Knowing that you have a close bond with her H's previous girlfriend and contrast that with your attitude toward her, it feeds her insecurity.

What she's asking (and what your brother is asking) is unreasonable. You could do some introspection, though. How does she even know of your friendship with his ex? Do you flaunt it?

What would I do? I'd tell brother we're all adults and my friendship has no bearing on anyone else. I'd continue to be polite, but also kind, to her. I'd try to find some common area of interest. The rest of out of my control.

OP. Yes, I think we are different. We do not have any common interests. She only talks about kids and housekeeping. I can sustain these conversations for so long. Do you suggest I fake it? I don't think she is a mean person, or a dumb one. We don't have to be friends; I certainly don't want to push myself to be friends with someone I have almost nothing in common.

As far as my friendship with his ex, she sees pictures on Instagram. SIL actually follows exgf even though she never met her face to face.

Are your primary personality traits that you like international travel and you have a job? Is there anything else about you that may be interesting? Have you asked her about her own interests? Her childhood? What TV/books she likes? Her favorite food and what silly pet peeves she might have?

Look, she is wrong to be judging your friendship with this xGF, Full stop.

But since you introduced all of the ways you are different, I'll offer some unsolicited advice- you can sustain relationships with people that are different than you, and certianly long conversations with them. It actually makes life more interesting. You can share about yourself and ask questions of them.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a jerk. All the jabs at the SIL were unnecessary. You can not mesh with someone without taking potshots.
Grow up.