I hate Mother’s Day

[Anonymous]

I think it needs be official on calendars: This day is for those in the thick of it. If your kids are adults, step aside and honor those doing active child-rearing. The actual thoughtful older mothers I know actually tell their children it's not about them anymore. We need to honor the mothers currently doing the hard labor. It takes a special kid of selfish to expect people to do backflips to celebrate you when you are retired and done with parenting.

[Anonymous]

I used to hate Mother’s Day and would feel anxious for a month leading up to it. I don’t have a great relationship with my mother or my MIL and I felt inadequate as a mother myself. All the blanket sappy statements of “you’re my hero, such a good mother, ….” triggered me. My DH was on edge and my kids were on edge and I know I caused it. It was a day to grit our teeth and wait for the day to be over while fake smiling over stupid gifts or meals at a restaurant I did not choose. Finally, a couple years ago, I felt bad for them and voiced my opinions and shed the martyr complex. This year, I asked my young adult kids to come out to a restaurant I booked, was pleasantly surprised by a gift one kid gave me, and was pleased that I did not have to share the day with my MIL or SILs. I still don’t like the holiday, but at least I no longer hate it. I felt it important not to damage the holiday for my own children when they grow up.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the sharing here, it makes me feel a lot better about spending Mother’s Day just chilling with my dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here… I guess I’m mostly frustrated that my mom won’t give up the day AND doesn’t ask maybe what I’d like to do. If I have to share the day, fine, but taking my young kids to brunch isn’t it.

Know why she does that? Because she was treated that way as a mother of young children, and then her children grew up and Mother’s Day finally became about her. We do this to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you a doormat?

I called my mother, who lives overseas. We had a nice conversation.

Then I baked my favorite cake. We had a normal day, with flowers on the table.

You don’t need to make it into a big production, OP. This is on you, for not knowing how to put yourself first.

+1

Grow a spine, OP. You’re the problem here. Tell them no next year.

[Anonymous]

I make plans on what I want to do for Mother's Day and then invite my mom, if she wants to join. If my DH wants her mom to be involved, I'm happy to include her too. It doesn't bother me and I don't get anyone anything physical.

This year, we all went to see a show (musical) at an early time and then out to eat. My kids are older elementary, so it's easier. I paid for my mom's ticket and we bought the meal out. Then we came back home, lounged around and watched a movie. It was easy and the day wasn't about anyone in particular. Just family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here… I guess I’m mostly frustrated that my mom won’t give up the day AND doesn’t ask maybe what I’d like to do. If I have to share the day, fine, but taking my young kids to brunch isn’t it.

Know why she does that? Because she was treated that way as a mother of young children, and then her children grew up and Mother’s Day finally became about her. We do this to each other.

Well, most people do not do this to each other at all.

I called my mom and sent her some flowers.

My kids made me cards and breakfast. The end.

This whole her day, my day, share the day. Ridiculous behavior from adults. Get a grip ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, This is my gift to you:

DP. LOL! Thank you for posting this! I LOVE this element of DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so pissed. My Dh basically lied to me about where we were going. It was a day with his mom. All her favorite foods and we drove 3 hours each way to see her. My infant has been screaming his head off for 2 hours. He lied to me because he knew I asked to go to a winery or a nice picnic. Clearly he thought his mom was more important than me and that my feelings weren’t as important as hers. He thought I could just suck it up and celebrate another day.

This deserves it’s own thread.

+1 Yes, this deserves it's own thread. Please post a link to it when you create it. You've got a major DH problem and we're happy to advise you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here… I guess I’m mostly frustrated that my mom won’t give up the day AND doesn’t ask maybe what I’d like to do. If I have to share the day, fine, but taking my young kids to brunch isn’t it.

"Sorry, mom. We have plans to do XXX this year. I'd love to have you come (or not depending on your preference, OP). Or we can stop by XXXXXX. " And then send flowers or a card or drop something else off.

Then do not entertain any complaints. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope to see you XXXX. And happy mother's day."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, This is my gift to you:

DP. LOL! Thank you for posting this! I LOVE this element of DCUM!

OMG +1 million, thank you for this PP 😂

[Anonymous]

OP, I like you, hated mother's day. Especially the first couple of years after having my first kid. Because not only did I have to adequately celebrate my horrible mom and my fine stepmom (who actively pulls back from being appreciated but also is hurt if I do nothing), but I also have to ensure that I am properly celebrated because everyone will ask me what I did for mother's day and seem disappointed if it wasn't at least halfway decent. So I spent probably my first 4-5 years as a mother resenting the eff out of the entire experience, especially when my husband sometimes could not even meet the low bar of 'do something so when someone asks, I can say I got flowers.'

But in the last couple of years I have worked hard on reframing this day. First, my actual children, the oldest who is now 6 especially, put a LOT of their hard work into their little trinkets. They work really hard on art and special rocks etc to make the day special. And my grumpiness was depriving them of sharing their love with me. And depriving me of fully enjoying it. Also, my mom does suck, but it isn't my fault she sucks. I check the box there, and I don't let myself be weighed down by her general suckiness. I also moved far away from her so I don't have any day-of obligations. And I engaged my stepmom a little more honestly and improved that overall relationship. And as a result, I quite enjoyed yesterday. My kids were nice to me, we went to brunch and a playground, they showered me with things they had gathered, and I called my mom and didn't think of her again.

Try to figure out how to set yourself up for more success here. It really is nice to let some of this resentment go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I like you, hated mother's day. Especially the first couple of years after having my first kid. Because not only did I have to adequately celebrate my horrible mom and my fine stepmom (who actively pulls back from being appreciated but also is hurt if I do nothing), but I also have to ensure that I am properly celebrated because everyone will ask me what I did for mother's day and seem disappointed if it wasn't at least halfway decent. So I spent probably my first 4-5 years as a mother resenting the eff out of the entire experience, especially when my husband sometimes could not even meet the low bar of 'do something so when someone asks, I can say I got flowers.'

But in the last couple of years I have worked hard on reframing this day. First, my actual children, the oldest who is now 6 especially, put a LOT of their hard work into their little trinkets. They work really hard on art and special rocks etc to make the day special. And my grumpiness was depriving them of sharing their love with me. And depriving me of fully enjoying it. Also, my mom does suck, but it isn't my fault she sucks. I check the box there, and I don't let myself be weighed down by her general suckiness. I also moved far away from her so I don't have any day-of obligations. And I engaged my stepmom a little more honestly and improved that overall relationship. And as a result, I quite enjoyed yesterday. My kids were nice to me, we went to brunch and a playground, they showered me with things they had gathered, and I called my mom and didn't think of her again.

Try to figure out how to set yourself up for more success here. It really is nice to let some of this resentment go.

IN FACT! This is my post from last year: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/970134.page

Some of the feedback I got in that post, along with a particularly heartfelt gift from my 5 year old, softened me up a lot last year. And then this year I guess without my even knowing it, it sunk in a bit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why not celebrate with your mom on a different day? Take her to brunch on Friday or Saturday solo without the kids. Just say I prefer to spend my mother's day enjoying time with my kids and welcome her to join in what you like.

To the other poster who ended up celebrating mother in law and having the long drive, I would lay down the law and say I will never ever again spend mothers day doing things your mother enjoys. If that is the case he should visit his mom solo. Sounds like this may be on of your first mothers days as you mentioned an infant. Better establish expectations early.

I have tried to celebrate and all hell breaks loose. This is the path of least resistance, so that’s what we did this year, but I’m just resentful.

Really, does she pull out a gun and shoot people? No. If she calls complaining, hang up. This is 100% on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its so freeing to get old (42), have older kids (tweens and teens), and be married a long time (18 years). I truly just don't GAF about the actual day of mother's day. So we spend the day with my local inlaws every year. (My mom is dead.) Sometime in the week or so before, I get myself a massage and a mani-pedi, buy some new spring clothes, and have DH go with me to a favorite restaurant. He doesn't have to disappoint his petulant immature guilt-tripping mother, and I score points for being the most understanding wife ever.

It takes so much less energy to just not care.

Isn't it though although I see it differently. I've lived a few more decades than you and I do care what we do on mother's day. No one on this earth would make me spend that day with my mil. It's kind of pathetic that you need to "score points" with your dh. My dh and I talk very directly about the situation and plan.

Also to the woman who has the very horrible husband who lied to her about where they were going. That would be such a big deal to me that I would be packing bags. Pulling that crap on anyone is a huge issue and doing to someone with an infant is unforgivable. You must address this.