why do people judge grandparents care so differently from (quality) hired help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is part of it jealousy? You must have a lot of money if you can hire a babysitter for a whole weekend or more. It’s kind of like a home cooked meal made by a loved one is great, but a home cooked meal made by a personal chef makes people jealous and somehow means your family is a sham.

God, that is so true!!

[Anonymous]

Y'all if you have Boomer parents there is a good chance you are still dealing with multi-generational trauma caused by WW2. I'm serious. It's not every family, but it's a lot of them. A whole generation of men were traumatized by that war and then came home to a culture that offered nothing in the way of mental health services but was happy to overlook domestic violence and alcoholism. So that traumatized their wives and kids (the Boomers). Some of those Boomers figured a way out of this trap but plenty did not, so Gen X and many Millenials often grew up in families where people never got treated for depression or similar issues, and "parenting" consisted of demanding certain behaviors and then hitting or punishing your kids when these rules were not followed. There are so many parents with young kids now who are basically the first generation of their family to be parenting in an era where hitting your kids is not merely taboo but actively prosecuted, and where there are real resources available to people dealing with trauma and mental illness.

A lot of these people don't want or trust their parents to provide childcare to their kids. A lot of their parents can't do it anyway because they continue to struggle with having been severely abused by alcoholic parents as children, in a culture where that behavior was totally normalized (and now watch their own kids parent in a totally different way and maybe having it dawn on them for the FIRST time that their childhoods were messed up -- think how disorienting and upsetting that could be for someone in their 60s or 70s!).

If you would rather hire care for your kids (and can afford it) rather than utilize grandparents, do it. Whatever is right for your family. And if your parents are simply unable for whatever reason to provide that kind of care, it's okay to mourn that a bit and then move on. People have this idyllic idea in their heads of the doting and involved grandparents and while of course those exist, they are not the norm. If you don't have them, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. Generational trauma is real and can impact families for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s because we desperately want our own parents to love our kids and, in some ways, make up for mistakes they made with us. Plus, in my case, I love my mom so much and want my kids to love her in spite of her many flaws because she’s had such tragedy in her life.

But our nanny is far, far better with our kids. And nanny loves them without the baggage of heredity and issues. And nanny has a degree in ECD and just gets them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s because we desperately want our own parents to love our kids and, in some ways, make up for mistakes they made with us. Plus, in my case, I love my mom so much and want my kids to love her in spite of her many flaws because she’s had such tragedy in her life.

But our nanny is far, far better with our kids. And nanny loves them without the baggage of heredity and issues. And nanny has a degree in ECD and just gets them.

This is so spot on (at least in my case). I want my mother to be a good grandmother because she let me down a lot as a mother! Wow….

[Anonymous]

I think we feel loved if our parents love and want to care for our children. It’s a validation. Kinda sad we’re still looking for that validation but there you have it.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad.

My Dad is an alcoholic who smokes, drinks, and mostly watches TV all day and doesn’t exercise. I am estranged from my mother. My MIL watched my SIL’s kids full time and had sleepovers with them all the time. She has probably spent time with my son maybe … 10x over a period of 3 years.

If you have healthy, fit and able parents please know how incredibly fortunate you are to have that love and support in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad.

My Dad is an alcoholic who smokes, drinks, and mostly watches TV all day and doesn’t exercise. I am estranged from my mother. My MIL watched my SIL’s kids full time and had sleepovers with them all the time. She has probably spent time with my son maybe … 10x over a period of 3 years.

If you have healthy, fit and able parents please know how incredibly fortunate you are to have that love and support in your life.

Why, PP? Unless it was a money thing, why do you think you need your parents and in laws involved in your life and the care of your children? What would it mean for you?

This thread has taken a really interesting turn, imo, in that it’s asking us adult children why it’s so important to us that our parents are involved with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. I agree with the envy element. For me (a sahm who would struggle to afford the type of nanny I’d want) I’m genuinely confused by the idea of mixing love and money. Because I’ve never had or employed a nanny I worry I would resent my kids for loving someone I hired…I would worry about the nanny missing my kids if she became attached…or being phony about her feelings. Grandparent relationships seem more “natural”, but I’m learning that doesn’t always mean better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I agree with the envy element. For me (a sahm who would struggle to afford the type of nanny I’d want) I’m genuinely confused by the idea of mixing love and money. Because I’ve never had or employed a nanny I worry I would resent my kids for loving someone I hired…I would worry about the nanny missing my kids if she became attached…or being phony about her feelings. Grandparent relationships seem more “natural”, but I’m learning that doesn’t always mean better

You wouldn’t resent your nanny. And a nanny’ attachment is a good thing. Millions of things involve love and money. Our former nanny who left our employ when our son started school still sees him all the time and is a dear friend of our family. You don’t have to be blood to be family.

My parents are also involved with my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I agree with the envy element. For me (a sahm who would struggle to afford the type of nanny I’d want) I’m genuinely confused by the idea of mixing love and money. Because I’ve never had or employed a nanny I worry I would resent my kids for loving someone I hired…I would worry about the nanny missing my kids if she became attached…or being phony about her feelings. Grandparent relationships seem more “natural”, but I’m learning that doesn’t always mean better

Do you have the same feeling regarding your children’s teachers in school? They’re getting paid. That what a nanny is - a teacher of sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all if you have Boomer parents there is a good chance you are still dealing with multi-generational trauma caused by WW2. I'm serious. It's not every family, but it's a lot of them. A whole generation of men were traumatized by that war and then came home to a culture that offered nothing in the way of mental health services but was happy to overlook domestic violence and alcoholism. So that traumatized their wives and kids (the Boomers). Some of those Boomers figured a way out of this trap but plenty did not, so Gen X and many Millenials often grew up in families where people never got treated for depression or similar issues, and "parenting" consisted of demanding certain behaviors and then hitting or punishing your kids when these rules were not followed. There are so many parents with young kids now who are basically the first generation of their family to be parenting in an era where hitting your kids is not merely taboo but actively prosecuted, and where there are real resources available to people dealing with trauma and mental illness.

A lot of these people don't want or trust their parents to provide childcare to their kids. A lot of their parents can't do it anyway because they continue to struggle with having been severely abused by alcoholic parents as children, in a culture where that behavior was totally normalized (and now watch their own kids parent in a totally different way and maybe having it dawn on them for the FIRST time that their childhoods were messed up -- think how disorienting and upsetting that could be for someone in their 60s or 70s!).

If you would rather hire care for your kids (and can afford it) rather than utilize grandparents, do it. Whatever is right for your family. And if your parents are simply unable for whatever reason to provide that kind of care, it's okay to mourn that a bit and then move on. People have this idyllic idea in their heads of the doting and involved grandparents and while of course those exist, they are not the norm. If you don't have them, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. Generational trauma is real and can impact families for a very long time.

Looks like someone took a semester of psych!

[Anonymous]

NP here. I do think there are so many grandparents willing to babysit so often simply because they have so few grandchildren, in some cases at most 1 or 2, so when their late-30-something so or daughter finally have a kid that kid is the Christ child and doted on to the point of ridiculousness. That one kid is their reason to exist and they'll happily watch that child while mom and dad work because let's face it, grandma and grandpa may be in their late 60s, early 70s at that point and they're getting in all the time they can. So it turns into quantity over quantity.

Many of us had great grandparents who probably never babysat their grandchildren (and some were probably dead by the time the grandchildren showed up). Maybe they helped out with the first or two, but they probably didn't have to do much because moms way back then weren't working unless they had to or were highly educated professionals.

Grandparents decades ago had 5+ kids themselves, and when those 5+ kids had a few kids each in the 50s, chances are again, moms stayed home and auntie down the road picked up the slack. And they were probably too damn TIRED to chip in, even if asked.

So, today, babyboomer grandparents have to wait an extra 10-20 years for the grandkids to show up and when they do, they've got the time and extra income to spend on them. It's a different dynamic. Back to the main question, though-- they're judged differently because the family dynamics are different. They're alive, they're not working, they've got (limited) time they want to cram into the remaining years of their lives, and they're often (happily) free of charge.

[Anonymous]

Don’t typically have to worry about grandma or grandpa diddling with the kids, with strangers you just never know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all if you have Boomer parents there is a good chance you are still dealing with multi-generational trauma caused by WW2. I'm serious. It's not every family, but it's a lot of them. A whole generation of men were traumatized by that war and then came home to a culture that offered nothing in the way of mental health services but was happy to overlook domestic violence and alcoholism. So that traumatized their wives and kids (the Boomers). Some of those Boomers figured a way out of this trap but plenty did not, so Gen X and many Millenials often grew up in families where people never got treated for depression or similar issues, and "parenting" consisted of demanding certain behaviors and then hitting or punishing your kids when these rules were not followed. There are so many parents with young kids now who are basically the first generation of their family to be parenting in an era where hitting your kids is not merely taboo but actively prosecuted, and where there are real resources available to people dealing with trauma and mental illness.

A lot of these people don't want or trust their parents to provide childcare to their kids. A lot of their parents can't do it anyway because they continue to struggle with having been severely abused by alcoholic parents as children, in a culture where that behavior was totally normalized (and now watch their own kids parent in a totally different way and maybe having it dawn on them for the FIRST time that their childhoods were messed up -- think how disorienting and upsetting that could be for someone in their 60s or 70s!).

If you would rather hire care for your kids (and can afford it) rather than utilize grandparents, do it. Whatever is right for your family. And if your parents are simply unable for whatever reason to provide that kind of care, it's okay to mourn that a bit and then move on. People have this idyllic idea in their heads of the doting and involved grandparents and while of course those exist, they are not the norm. If you don't have them, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. Generational trauma is real and can impact families for a very long time.

+1 I think a lot of this is spot on. Decades ago, many families rejected the idea of therapy. It's only for "crazy" people. And in some cases, well, you should just pray the problems away, right? My parents were raised by people who were good, decent people, not horrible at all, but flawed and needed help. They raised their kids with that mindset-- so, of course, no surprise that my parents always rejected help, too, and saw going to church or praying with friends as help. Well, friends aren't therapists and repeating prayers can be calming but may not fix OCD and anxiety and NPD and the need to control other people.

That said, now in their 70s, my mother is an anxious mess and my father is angry at the world and has no self-awareness. Therapy would have been helpful for both. When they visit they introduce their crazy into my house and we have to be careful to not let it set in by setting very strict boundaries and cutting visits short. Yes, they're loving in their own way but not always very healthy for the kids. An afternoon here and there is fine-- a week, not so sure.

[Anonymous]

Nothing can replace a relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild. Grandparents will be honest, loving, helpful, and teach your kids much more than a nanny. They understand the parents, have generational differences so they can teach them more than a young nanny, and even if they lack energy they make up for it in love and support. I was raised by grandma as much as parents and she wasn’t energetic or even entertaining much of the time, but she taught me about family history, cooking, went for drives, taught me to can food, played board games, took me swimming, drove everywhere and taught me history of the area, helped me learn life skills, told fun stories about when my parents were young...Mine was not energetic but that helped me to appreciate a slower way of life. Kids don’t need to be entertained all the time. You can have both whatever works for you but never underestimate the value of learning from the older generation, especially when they’re family.I had babysitters occasionally too but nothing compared to a grandparent relationship. The biggest difference is love. The love will always be different with family vs non family.