why do people judge grandparents care so differently from (quality) hired help?
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Anonymous
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so many comments on have this tone right now....
grandparents taking care of your kids = amazing! great for kids! no judgement at all for leaving them with (grandparent) help! loving hired help - wow you must be desperate to get away, not great for kids even if they like the sitter, selfish to use but use if you must! I'd pick hired help over either set of grandparents any day - its really better care for my kids (someone that can keep up with their energy levels, someone with recent regular experience caring for kids and understands age-appropriate expectations etc) and regular sitters can truly care for kids they watch (i know i did as a sitter). Grandparents can love on my kids and have relationships, but a old retired couple is just not well suited. to take care of 3 little kids for a weekend |
Anonymous
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I disagree that it's 'better' for your kids. Usually the grandparent relationship improves with this type of care, which is great for kids.
But I also think it's fine for parents to leave their kids with whomever they feel is responsible enough; no judgment here, so I guess you aren't talking to me. |
Anonymous
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A lot of people really romanticize grandparent-child relationships, and assume that every grandparent is an outstanding caregiver for children. It's similar to the assumption that having family local = helpful family with endless time and patience to serve as a second (or third) set of parents.
I do think an old retired couple can provide safe care for their grandchildren, and it's great for kids to see that childcare can vary. They don't need to be wildly entertained every single weekend. Having a slower pace now and then is great, and kids thrive knowing that different people love and care for them. |
Anonymous
Not every grandparent is old and you honestly sound jealous that you don't have that. I don't know why you care what other people think. |
Anonymous
It depends so much. My parents are the best and I love that my kids have relationships with them and I know they are life long relationships so it feels more beneficial to my kids even compared to preschool, where the biggest benefit is the time with other kids. My in laws are not healthy and can’t watch my kids, I’d use hired help over them. Maybe when they are older but they also just aren’t as warm. It’s a very different relationship. |
Anonymous
| My parents are local. Their version of watching the kids is to plop them in front of Blippi and feed them junk. It keeps them alive. They are in much better hands with our nanny, a former pre-school teacher who doesn't allow screens, takes them to the park for hours and plans elaborate crafts. |
Anonymous
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My mom is amazing with my kids. She's a retired elementary school teacher and she does projects with them, bakes, plays games, bikes, swims - she does it all. We are so lucky.
I think the difference is that the kids recognize that she is special as a family member - she is "theirs" and they love her. Not all grandparent relationships can be like this, but when they are, they always surpass paid help IMO. My kids loved their nanny too, but when she left for a new job it was understood she wasn't going to be around as much and they were a little sad. I think if their grandmother "left" they would be devastated. |
Anonymous
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I think when it's for a trip, the reaction is to the fact that the grandparents probably wanted to see the kids and the kids wanted to see the grandparents and the parents wanted to get away. So win win win.
But the assumption is that the kids would rather have their parents than the sitter, so it's win lose. In reality it's fine either way and I don't think that people romanticizing those "getting spoiled by Nana and Pop Pop" weekends should bother you that much. |
Anonymous
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Neither set of grandparents can deal with my kids solo for very long. We'll let them babysit for dinners out and have a great time together when they visit, but they can't handle overnights anymore. My kids don't do anything that isn't age-appropriate and are generally very sweet and well-behaved, especially with grandparents. But, that 7 and 5 year old mischief? The grandparents have zero patience for that stuff anymore in their late 70s, and it just gets stressful for everyone.
When the kids were toddlers, the grandparents could handle it better. And I think if the kids were older, it would be better. But we're in a bad spot right now where it just doesn't work. |
Anonymous
DP, whose grandparents cared for my sister and I when our mom went to grad school when we were in elementary school. Our mom never let us have junk food, so I really cherish those memories of occasionally being allowed to eat crap and watch cartoons (in addition to other stuff--my grandma especially was a great listener). My grandparents' home was my safe space. Hopefully your kids feel comfortable with you, but be careful that you don't optimize their childhoods so much that they can't just relax and be kids for a while. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for judging all of our grandparents. My parents are in their 60s, very active and have no trouble chasing down my 3 kids. I do pay for daycare and babysitting while we're out of town to help my parents. They basically just have to care for them from 5pm onwards.
My parents love our kids. My dad has workbooks and works with each one of the kids separately daily on their workbooks. He teaches them Spanish, math and how to read. My parents live on our street and are really familiar with our routines. They stay at our home when we're out of town so that the kids have their own rooms, but each kid has a bedroom at the grandparents too and they like sleepovers. |
Anonymous
I never mentioned other grandparents! Just the ones in my situation. One set would LOVE to take the kids for long periods but they just can't keep them safe (their only behavioral management approach is begging and pleading so the kids realize they entirely have the upper hand and pull shit they'd never do with anyone else) nor can they move fast enough for my very physical 3 year old who sees he has the upper hand with them. They also aren't super steady on the stairs to go up and down it several times a day carrying my 10mo or have the energy level to handle both night wakings and early mornings and a 4 year old who no longer naps and goes goes goes all day. The other set is more realistic about their abilities (they know they can handle 1 kid for a week, 2 kids for 2 days / 1 night and 3 kids for like 2 hours) so their judgement is better in terms of not getting in over their head. All 4 grandparents are great for my kids to be around but in terms of keeping up with the day in day out physicial grind of managing 3 such little kids, someone else is better. |
Anonymous
| Grandparents are family. Its mutually beneficial when kids stay with the grandparents for the weekend- all parties benefit from this lifelong relationship being nurtured. Not sure why that needs to be spelled out for someone that spending the week with grandma is different than spending the week with a rotation of paid overnight sitters. |
Anonymous
because these days many grandparents are in their 70s, not physically up for caring for several small children, and use old school approaches to discipline and say flat out sexist / homophonic etc things? yes of course an ideal and capable grandparent is better because they're emotionally invested, but its a huge assumption that many / most grandparents are ideal or capable. and its not better for my 5yo to have a weekend of butting heads with my overly gruff dad who doesn't understand what is a reasonable expectation for a 5 year old than it is for him to be with a loving and fun sitter. who in the world does a random rotation over the course of the week?! |
Anonymous
I know. But it’s not age, it’s interest and physical fitness in my case. Our nanny is older, just a few years younger than my parents, but fit and energetic. She’s also engaged and never bored. Nanny also has a degree in Early Childhood Education. And, although I truly love and respect our nanny - this is her job. She isn’t doing us any favors like my parents )never forget to remind us) are. And since Nanny still sees all her former charges, I have no doubt she’ll always have a relationship with my kids. |