why do people judge grandparents care so differently from (quality) hired help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t know the difference between the love of a grandparent and the ‘love’ of a person who is hired to perform a task then I am sad for you.

Our nanny loves my kids far more than their grandparents do. And nanny appreciates them. Being a nanny is far more than just a job for some nannies.

+2. Our former nanny loves my kids, now 13 and 11, far more than my mother does. My kids have seen their other grandparents, my in laws, maybe 8 times in their whole lives. Our former nanny visits the kids often, they face time her at least three times a week, and she attends their events (Christmas pageant, games, recitals). She hadn’t worked for us since our youngest started kindergarten but is still very much a part of their lives.

[Anonymous]

I have had excellent hired childcare and I have wonderful parents/in laws.

There’s no doubt that when it comes to who I trust more, it’s the grandparents. They love my kids like their own and I trust them completely. I recognize that not all grandparents are competent and healthy. But when you do have that? Family bonds trump financial relationships.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t know why, OP. It’s crazy. Grandparents are no better than a nanny/babysitter. It’s still someone other than the parents. Not that I think it’s wrong - it’s actually beneficial for kids to have care from someone other than the parents - but assuming related people are better than professional people is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are family. Its mutually beneficial when kids stay with the grandparents for the weekend- all parties benefit from this lifelong relationship being nurtured. Not sure why that needs to be spelled out for someone that spending the week with grandma is different than spending the week with a rotation of paid overnight sitters.

because these days many grandparents are in their 70s, not physically up for caring for several small children, and use old school approaches to discipline and say flat out sexist / homophonic etc things?

yes of course an ideal and capable grandparent is better because they're emotionally invested, but its a huge assumption that many / most grandparents are ideal or capable. and its not better for my 5yo to have a weekend of butting heads with my overly gruff dad who doesn't understand what is a reasonable expectation for a 5 year old than it is for him to be with a loving and fun sitter.

who in the world does a random rotation over the course of the week?!

no, it's actually better for your 5 yo to butt heads with your dad. not only does that build their relationship, but also, provides more social challenge, which will help him grow and mature. there will be all kinds of people in the world your 5 yo goes into. not everyone is going to be fun and hold correct opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are local. Their version of watching the kids is to plop them in front of Blippi and feed them junk. It keeps them alive. They are in much better hands with our nanny, a former pre-school teacher who doesn't allow screens, takes them to the park for hours and plans elaborate crafts.

+1. This is our experience as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t know why, OP. It’s crazy. Grandparents are no better than a nanny/babysitter. It’s still someone other than the parents. Not that I think it’s wrong - it’s actually beneficial for kids to have care from someone other than the parents - but assuming related people are better than professional people is absurd.

Agree. Grandparent-child relationship is given a lot of value- especially now that so many Boomers are grandparents and all over social media.

Truth is, some grandparents are great, but many aren't. And many don't have good relationships with their own children which complicates and stresses out the child's own nuclear family unit.

IF you have awesome grandparents, that is amazing and that would be better than a nanny in many cases. But if you don't, a nanny or babysitter are perfectly fine and better than defaulting to a grandma that doesn't watch them well or stirs up trouble just because "it's grandma"

[Anonymous]

I never let my kids stay with their grandparents when they were little. Now that they know how to not die, I might. As on PP said the grandparents feed them junk and plop them in front of the TV. My parents are not local but they stay with us sometimes and I still had our nanny watch them if we need her outside our normal hours. When I visited my parents at their home once and they were watching my niece, they just blockaded her in the living room to keep her safe so they didn't have to keep a constant eye on her. She was crawling and getting into everything. It made me so nervous.

DHs parents feels like they've done their job raising kids and don't want to watch ours. It's fine they are so slow they basically have needed care themselves for 10 years, so it's never been a viable option.


Bottom line- you get what you pay for. Grandparent care is free and they do whatever they want, which drives me bananas. I'm surprised I made it to adulthood with only a few scars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many comments on have this tone right now....

grandparents taking care of your kids = amazing! great for kids! no judgement at all for leaving them with (grandparent) help!


loving hired help - wow you must be desperate to get away, not great for kids even if they like the sitter, selfish to use but use if you must!


I'd pick hired help over either set of grandparents any day - its really better care for my kids (someone that can keep up with their energy levels, someone with recent regular experience caring for kids and understands age-appropriate expectations etc) and regular sitters can truly care for kids they watch (i know i did as a sitter). Grandparents can love on my kids and have relationships, but a old retired couple is just not well suited. to take care of 3 little kids for a weekend

Simple. Grandparents are FREE CHILDCARE.

Yeah, but they sucked at caring for their own kids! I vowed to be much better than that, which means my kids see them for about 4-6 days a year. I don't want my daughters feeling "less than" or hearing all the racist and homophobic crap that my parents have sunk into with their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t know the difference between the love of a grandparent and the ‘love’ of a person who is hired to perform a task then I am sad for you.

I'm sad for you that you can't see that people have different circumstances. It must be tough for you living in a world where your always right and perfect amongst so many normal people.... is it hard to connect with people or do you just stick to your own?

....this is a rhetorical question because it is obvious you cannot see others' perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t know the difference between the love of a grandparent and the ‘love’ of a person who is hired to perform a task then I am sad for you.

I'm sad for you that you can't see that people have different circumstances. It must be tough for you living in a world where your always right and perfect amongst so many normal people.... is it hard to connect with people or do you just stick to your own?

....this is a rhetorical question because it is obvious you cannot see others' perspectives.

I’m sad that you can’t separate your individual situation from generalities. Not one post has said every or always. Obviously if your parents suck that’s suboptimal, but to imply that there is no distinction between the love from a loving family member and someone you pay is clearly short sighted. I’m assuming that you love your children more than their caregivers even though they may spend more time with them. Why is that? Could it be because you are the child’s family and they are not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t know the difference between the love of a grandparent and the ‘love’ of a person who is hired to perform a task then I am sad for you.

I'm sad for you that you can't see that people have different circumstances. It must be tough for you living in a world where your always right and perfect amongst so many normal people.... is it hard to connect with people or do you just stick to your own?

....this is a rhetorical question because it is obvious you cannot see others' perspectives.

I’m sad that you can’t separate your individual situation from generalities. Not one post has said every or always. Obviously if your parents suck that’s suboptimal, but to imply that there is no distinction between the love from a loving family member and someone you pay is clearly short sighted. I’m assuming that you love your children more than their caregivers even though they may spend more time with them. Why is that? Could it be because you are the child’s family and they are not?

NP here. But we aren’t talking about a parents love. We’re talking about a grandparent vs a loving nanny. In my world, the loving nanny is a better option. I know it and I see it every day. But that isn’t true for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people really romanticize grandparent-child relationships, and assume that every grandparent is an outstanding caregiver for children. It's similar to the assumption that having family local = helpful family with endless time and patience to serve as a second (or third) set of parents.

I do think an old retired couple can provide safe care for their grandchildren, and it's great for kids to see that childcare can vary. They don't need to be wildly entertained every single weekend. Having a slower pace now and then is great, and kids thrive knowing that different people love and care for them.

+1

People who either had grandparents or now have parents who are:

1) young and active enough to reasonably keep up,
2) kind and patient enough to deal with young kids,
3) willing and enthusiastic about providing this care, AND
4) located close enough for this to be a regular or dependable form of care

Tend to assume this is just what all grandparents are like. This is a small minority of grandparents. Often through no fault of their own! My MIL is simply too old and too far away to be this kind of grandparent, tho I know for a fact she would like to be. But the situation is what it is. Similarly, my parents, though younger, lack the disposition or interest.

My child is better off with a paid caregiver than her grandparents, because her grandparents are not appropriate caregivers for a young child. It’s nothing to lose sleep over— many if not most families are in the same spot.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge.

I am very grateful for grandparent care. My parents love having my child around and play with him actively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people really romanticize grandparent-child relationships, and assume that every grandparent is an outstanding caregiver for children. It's similar to the assumption that having family local = helpful family with endless time and patience to serve as a second (or third) set of parents.

I do think an old retired couple can provide safe care for their grandchildren, and it's great for kids to see that childcare can vary. They don't need to be wildly entertained every single weekend. Having a slower pace now and then is great, and kids thrive knowing that different people love and care for them.

+1

People who either had grandparents or now have parents who are:

1) young and active enough to reasonably keep up,
2) kind and patient enough to deal with young kids,
3) willing and enthusiastic about providing this care, AND
4) located close enough for this to be a regular or dependable form of care

Tend to assume this is just what all grandparents are like. This is a small minority of grandparents. Often through no fault of their own! My MIL is simply too old and too far away to be this kind of grandparent, tho I know for a fact she would like to be. But the situation is what it is. Similarly, my parents, though younger, lack the disposition or interest.

My child is better off with a paid caregiver than her grandparents, because her grandparents are not appropriate caregivers for a young child. It’s nothing to lose sleep over— many if not most families are in the same spot.

I have those 4 and I am usually surprised when grandparents are not like this bc culturally this is how grandparents are in my culture.

[Anonymous]

Is part of it jealousy? You must have a lot of money if you can hire a babysitter for a whole weekend or more. It’s kind of like a home cooked meal made by a loved one is great, but a home cooked meal made by a personal chef makes people jealous and somehow means your family is a sham.