Friends who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I had to check at first because I was wondering if you were me.

But, with my friend at least, she would never ask me to Venmo her - she would have said of you have us over so much, let me get this.

We have family friends woh have kids the same age, and as you say over covid especially it was just easier to get together with them fairly exclusively over other people. We always host. Sometimes we cook and elaborate meal (because we like to) and when they come to our house they're like oh we just did a 5 mile hike or did this or that fun thing and I feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my entire afternoon to make dinner for people who are out doing fun things. If there was reciprocity, that's one thing, but when it's entirely one sided it can grate.

A couple of things -
- when you invite them over, if you're ordering food in, I'd arrange it so that you each ordered (and thus paid) separately. With our friends, we'd each place our order and pay online, then the friends would pick both up on their way to our house. Or we'd meet in a park, bring your own dinner.

- pick and choose when to invite them (and sometimes what to serve). We've taken subtle breaks over the years, then start inviting them again. Or I intentionally make sure whatever is for dinner is easy and simple.

- ask them to pick up beer or wine or dessert. Oh, we're out of beer - would you mind getting some on your way over? This is harder to do, but we do it sometimes.

Um, no one forced you to cook an elaborate meal. I dislike people like you who do OTT cooking for a casual get-together and then try to guilt us because we don’t want to do the same. I’d rather spend a nice Saturday afternoon hiking and then order a pizza, rather than slaving over a hot stove.

Also, it’s really rude to ask guests to bring food. If they offer then fine, but it’s odd to assign them things. Just stop inviting them if you can’t afford the time or money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I had to check at first because I was wondering if you were me.

But, with my friend at least, she would never ask me to Venmo her - she would have said of you have us over so much, let me get this.

We have family friends woh have kids the same age, and as you say over covid especially it was just easier to get together with them fairly exclusively over other people. We always host. Sometimes we cook and elaborate meal (because we like to) and when they come to our house they're like oh we just did a 5 mile hike or did this or that fun thing and I feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my entire afternoon to make dinner for people who are out doing fun things. If there was reciprocity, that's one thing, but when it's entirely one sided it can grate.

A couple of things -
- when you invite them over, if you're ordering food in, I'd arrange it so that you each ordered (and thus paid) separately. With our friends, we'd each place our order and pay online, then the friends would pick both up on their way to our house. Or we'd meet in a park, bring your own dinner.

- pick and choose when to invite them (and sometimes what to serve). We've taken subtle breaks over the years, then start inviting them again. Or I intentionally make sure whatever is for dinner is easy and simple.

- ask them to pick up beer or wine or dessert. Oh, we're out of beer - would you mind getting some on your way over? This is harder to do, but we do it sometimes.

Um, no one forced you to cook an elaborate meal. I dislike people like you who do OTT cooking for a casual get-together and then try to guilt us because we don’t want to do the same. I’d rather spend a nice Saturday afternoon hiking and then order a pizza, rather than slaving over a hot stove.

Also, it’s really rude to ask guests to bring food. If they offer then fine, but it’s odd to assign them things. Just stop inviting them if you can’t afford the time or money.

Op here. I am not going to tell my friends to bring food to our house nor am I going to have them pay for food when they are eating at my house. We feel very comfortable with them. I don’t feel the need to clean up or host them. We eat what we would eat if they weren’t with us. It may be something from Costco or Whole Foods, DoorDash, pizza or a new recipe we are trying. We obviously like their company or we would not hang out with them so much.

Mom is a sahm like me. We did play dates throughout Covid. Dads would often join when they weren’t working or worked from home. They are good guests minus the fact that they never reciprocate. It is what it is and it is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I had to check at first because I was wondering if you were me.

But, with my friend at least, she would never ask me to Venmo her - she would have said of you have us over so much, let me get this.

We have family friends woh have kids the same age, and as you say over covid especially it was just easier to get together with them fairly exclusively over other people. We always host. Sometimes we cook and elaborate meal (because we like to) and when they come to our house they're like oh we just did a 5 mile hike or did this or that fun thing and I feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my entire afternoon to make dinner for people who are out doing fun things. If there was reciprocity, that's one thing, but when it's entirely one sided it can grate.

A couple of things -
- when you invite them over, if you're ordering food in, I'd arrange it so that you each ordered (and thus paid) separately. With our friends, we'd each place our order and pay online, then the friends would pick both up on their way to our house. Or we'd meet in a park, bring your own dinner.

- pick and choose when to invite them (and sometimes what to serve). We've taken subtle breaks over the years, then start inviting them again. Or I intentionally make sure whatever is for dinner is easy and simple.

- ask them to pick up beer or wine or dessert. Oh, we're out of beer - would you mind getting some on your way over? This is harder to do, but we do it sometimes.

Um, no one forced you to cook an elaborate meal. I dislike people like you who do OTT cooking for a casual get-together and then try to guilt us because we don’t want to do the same. I’d rather spend a nice Saturday afternoon hiking and then order a pizza, rather than slaving over a hot stove.

Also, it’s really rude to ask guests to bring food. If they offer then fine, but it’s odd to assign them things. Just stop inviting them if you can’t afford the time or money.

Op here. I am not going to tell my friends to bring food to our house nor am I going to have them pay for food when they are eating at my house. We feel very comfortable with them. I don’t feel the need to clean up or host them. We eat what we would eat if they weren’t with us. It may be something from Costco or Whole Foods, DoorDash, pizza or a new recipe we are trying. We obviously like their company or we would not hang out with them so much.

Mom is a sahm like me. We did play dates throughout Covid. Dads would often join when they weren’t working or worked from home. They are good guests minus the fact that they never reciprocate. It is what it is and it is fine.

This would not bother me from a fairness standpoint but I guess I’d always be wondering if they actually liked me. I have just invited about 4 kids in my kids class that she plays with a lot 1 time each and while I’m happy to keep hosting I don’t want to come on too strong. Only one if the new friends have reciprocated. So I’m wondering if I can invite again after 6 weeks or so. I really don’t know! hAnyway if you like hosting and you feel confident that they like you or even just your kids that’s awesome and I’d be very reluctant to give it up. But maybe add in some other families if you don’t need a bubble anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I had to check at first because I was wondering if you were me.

But, with my friend at least, she would never ask me to Venmo her - she would have said of you have us over so much, let me get this.

We have family friends woh have kids the same age, and as you say over covid especially it was just easier to get together with them fairly exclusively over other people. We always host. Sometimes we cook and elaborate meal (because we like to) and when they come to our house they're like oh we just did a 5 mile hike or did this or that fun thing and I feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my entire afternoon to make dinner for people who are out doing fun things. If there was reciprocity, that's one thing, but when it's entirely one sided it can grate.

A couple of things -
- when you invite them over, if you're ordering food in, I'd arrange it so that you each ordered (and thus paid) separately. With our friends, we'd each place our order and pay online, then the friends would pick both up on their way to our house. Or we'd meet in a park, bring your own dinner.

- pick and choose when to invite them (and sometimes what to serve). We've taken subtle breaks over the years, then start inviting them again. Or I intentionally make sure whatever is for dinner is easy and simple.

- ask them to pick up beer or wine or dessert. Oh, we're out of beer - would you mind getting some on your way over? This is harder to do, but we do it sometimes.

Um, no one forced you to cook an elaborate meal. I dislike people like you who do OTT cooking for a casual get-together and then try to guilt us because we don’t want to do the same. I’d rather spend a nice Saturday afternoon hiking and then order a pizza, rather than slaving over a hot stove.

Also, it’s really rude to ask guests to bring food. If they offer then fine, but it’s odd to assign them things. Just stop inviting them if you can’t afford the time or money.

Op here. I am not going to tell my friends to bring food to our house nor am I going to have them pay for food when they are eating at my house. We feel very comfortable with them. I don’t feel the need to clean up or host them. We eat what we would eat if they weren’t with us. It may be something from Costco or Whole Foods, DoorDash, pizza or a new recipe we are trying. We obviously like their company or we would not hang out with them so much.

Mom is a sahm like me. We did play dates throughout Covid. Dads would often join when they weren’t working or worked from home. They are good guests minus the fact that they never reciprocate. It is what it is and it is fine.

Is it possible she can't host well? Bad cook, messy house, money tight? I truly think their enjoyment of time with you so much every week at your house is quite flattering.

[Anonymous]

OP, this scenario IS weird and the PPs who are somehow suggesting that you are the weird one and want to have your friend pay to come over are not getting it. I do agree that you likely need to accept that these are the parameters of your relationship and decide whether you want to continue it longterm or not. But this also feels like an odd friendship in that you have this family over almost weekly (which is a lot), but you have these significant feelings of resentment that you've apparently never broached with your good friend. If this were my friendship, I'd just talk to my friend about it. Is it a weird/awkward discussion? Yes, of course. But this is otherwise really impacting your friendship anyways. I think you could share with your friend that your friendship feels lopsided, that you really enjoy her/her family's company and friendship, but that it creates some friction when it feels like things are unbalanced and that you thought talking about it would help. See what she has to say. Also, yes, start accepting her offers to Venmo for costs. This is a no brainer. And, if someone is coming over this frequently, I think it is also normal to start asking if they can bring x, y, or z (wine, dessert, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read comprehension people. The friend picked up her meal once because OP forgot her wallet. Said friend then requested payment for it even though OP has spent a great deal of money hosting her friend and family at her home and also treating her entire family to dinner out.

Comprehension isn't the issue. OP never, ever mentioned going to a restaurant in her original post. The original post was strictly about inviting her friend to her home for dinner 30 or 40 times. The one restaurant incident where they split the tab was buried later in subsequent posts. But ok, I saw it now.

Again OP, you are the weirdo here. It's incredibly tacky to invite a family over to dinner at your home and expect them to pay you cash to eat. WTF. I don't care how or who prepared the food. For restaurant dining, it's not out of the ordinary to PayPal or Venmo a friend to cover your half. Could she have just covered the whole tab? Yes. She probably should have. But what you are wanting - payment for coming over as dinner guests - is way tackier.

You are dense. She never said she charged money for them eating at her house.

[Anonymous]

She has anxiety. Its overwhelming to entertain. This is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Typical of here that a kind gesture is now getting turned on the OP by the snark squad saying she is doing something wrong by asking for it to be reciprocal. OP you should have said it was your mom or MIL and they would have backed you. This is the worst mom forum I have come across for support or useful advice. It's filled with bored mean women looking for an outlet to taker their aggression out on other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this scenario IS weird and the PPs who are somehow suggesting that you are the weird one and want to have your friend pay to come over are not getting it. I do agree that you likely need to accept that these are the parameters of your relationship and decide whether you want to continue it longterm or not. But this also feels like an odd friendship in that you have this family over almost weekly (which is a lot), but you have these significant feelings of resentment that you've apparently never broached with your good friend. If this were my friendship, I'd just talk to my friend about it. Is it a weird/awkward discussion? Yes, of course. But this is otherwise really impacting your friendship anyways. I think you could share with your friend that your friendship feels lopsided, that you really enjoy her/her family's company and friendship, but that it creates some friction when it feels like things are unbalanced and that you thought talking about it would help. See what she has to say. Also, yes, start accepting her offers to Venmo for costs. This is a no brainer. And, if someone is coming over this frequently, I think it is also normal to start asking if they can bring x, y, or z (wine, dessert, etc.)

It is no longer weekly now. It was weekly during Covid. I’m going to guess we starting hanging out outside in the spring of 2020 and we saw them weekly for about a year or so. This was when kids were in virtual school.

My kids have other friends and we are now all vaccinated. Youngest just got second vaccine shot. We see lots of other friends now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this scenario IS weird and the PPs who are somehow suggesting that you are the weird one and want to have your friend pay to come over are not getting it. I do agree that you likely need to accept that these are the parameters of your relationship and decide whether you want to continue it longterm or not. But this also feels like an odd friendship in that you have this family over almost weekly (which is a lot), but you have these significant feelings of resentment that you've apparently never broached with your good friend. If this were my friendship, I'd just talk to my friend about it. Is it a weird/awkward discussion? Yes, of course. But this is otherwise really impacting your friendship anyways. I think you could share with your friend that your friendship feels lopsided, that you really enjoy her/her family's company and friendship, but that it creates some friction when it feels like things are unbalanced and that you thought talking about it would help. See what she has to say. Also, yes, start accepting her offers to Venmo for costs. This is a no brainer. And, if someone is coming over this frequently, I think it is also normal to start asking if they can bring x, y, or z (wine, dessert, etc.)

It is no longer weekly now. It was weekly during Covid. I’m going to guess we starting hanging out outside in the spring of 2020 and we saw them weekly for about a year or so. This was when kids were in virtual school.

My kids have other friends and we are now all vaccinated. Youngest just got second vaccine shot. We see lots of other friends now.

So just distance yourself a bit (or a lot) if you feel resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this scenario IS weird and the PPs who are somehow suggesting that you are the weird one and want to have your friend pay to come over are not getting it. I do agree that you likely need to accept that these are the parameters of your relationship and decide whether you want to continue it longterm or not. But this also feels like an odd friendship in that you have this family over almost weekly (which is a lot), but you have these significant feelings of resentment that you've apparently never broached with your good friend. If this were my friendship, I'd just talk to my friend about it. Is it a weird/awkward discussion? Yes, of course. But this is otherwise really impacting your friendship anyways. I think you could share with your friend that your friendship feels lopsided, that you really enjoy her/her family's company and friendship, but that it creates some friction when it feels like things are unbalanced and that you thought talking about it would help. See what she has to say. Also, yes, start accepting her offers to Venmo for costs. This is a no brainer. And, if someone is coming over this frequently, I think it is also normal to start asking if they can bring x, y, or z (wine, dessert, etc.)

It is no longer weekly now. It was weekly during Covid. I’m going to guess we starting hanging out outside in the spring of 2020 and we saw them weekly for about a year or so. This was when kids were in virtual school.

My kids have other friends and we are now all vaccinated. Youngest just got second vaccine shot. We see lots of other friends now.

I think the point still stands, regardless of whether you see other friends now and don't see this friend weekly. Perhaps just talking to your friend about the friction would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this scenario IS weird and the PPs who are somehow suggesting that you are the weird one and want to have your friend pay to come over are not getting it. I do agree that you likely need to accept that these are the parameters of your relationship and decide whether you want to continue it longterm or not. But this also feels like an odd friendship in that you have this family over almost weekly (which is a lot), but you have these significant feelings of resentment that you've apparently never broached with your good friend. If this were my friendship, I'd just talk to my friend about it. Is it a weird/awkward discussion? Yes, of course. But this is otherwise really impacting your friendship anyways. I think you could share with your friend that your friendship feels lopsided, that you really enjoy her/her family's company and friendship, but that it creates some friction when it feels like things are unbalanced and that you thought talking about it would help. See what she has to say. Also, yes, start accepting her offers to Venmo for costs. This is a no brainer. And, if someone is coming over this frequently, I think it is also normal to start asking if they can bring x, y, or z (wine, dessert, etc.)

It is no longer weekly now. It was weekly during Covid. I’m going to guess we starting hanging out outside in the spring of 2020 and we saw them weekly for about a year or so. This was when kids were in virtual school.

My kids have other friends and we are now all vaccinated. Youngest just got second vaccine shot. We see lots of other friends now.

I think the point still stands, regardless of whether you see other friends now and don't see this friend weekly. Perhaps just talking to your friend about the friction would help.

Yes, if you have spent this much time with her, and she has been at your house 30-40 times, I think it's okay to say casually, "hey Suz, can I ask you something? Is there a reason you never invite us to your house?" Don't use a judgmental tone, just ask calmly. And then sit back and wait to see what she says. The discrepancy can't be lost on her.

[Anonymous]

There is this inflection point in all relationships where you ask yourself, is this person worth it?

I’m not talking about the food or money. I’m talking about if this person is worth it to you to keep in your life because you really like them.

I’m at an inflection point right now with this person who I keep asking to spend some time with and it’s not working out. She says she’s really busy. She can’t meet for coffee. Blah blah blah blah. Rejection after rejection.

I had to ask myself - is she worth the effort?

I don’t know her well enough. She doesn’t reciprocate at all. She’s friends with one of my close friends and she has stopped talking to her too.

Part of me doesn’t want to give up, but I’m beginning to think it’s a sunken cost fallacy. And it’s not money I’m referring too- I have really tried to be her friend and be there for her but she won’t let me in. So I think she doesn’t really like me and won’t put in the effort.

So I’m going to stop putting social and emotional currency into this and work on making friendships with people who actually want the same thing.

It’s going to be hard. But my god, it’s better than having to deal with this as a grown up adult.

[Anonymous]

i think you are a little crazy for letting it go on so long. i, too, would be annoyed at inviting someone over 30 - 40 times and them inviting us ... NEVER!

we have friends like this that we see and do things with a lot. they probably have us over more often, but i try to be mindful of inviting them over, as well, so it isn't super lopsided. if they invite us for dinner or cards, i offer to bring something every time.

when we go out we get separate checks. easy. we go out every thursday.

your friends sound like total takers. nobody likes that. they should be ashamed of themselves. my husband wouldn't allow us to go to someone's house 40 times without us inviting them over.

if they are not comfortable hosting, then they take you OUT for dinner ... and pay. one of our neighbors doesn't cook, but she likes to take us to dinner now and then. we have her over for dinner fairly often and we also go out to dinner where we each pay our share more often.

it is give and take, not give and give or take and take!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of wealthy people are cheap. This is huge turn off for me, pick and choose friends that you enjoy. Life is too short.

+1

I couldn’t agree more.
It doesn’t matter that this friend may live in a larger home or even nicer neighborhood.

She is just cheap + selfish.
Personally I wouldn’t host her or her family another day.