Friends who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

I consider myself a generous person and most of my friends are also generous. I have this one friend who just never ever reciprocates. We have had them over probably 30-40 times and always feed them meals every single time. She had invited my daughter over for a play date once and it was only because all the kids were begging to go over to their house while we were at a park 5 min away. They are clearly well off. Dh has an executive position at a huge corporation, live in a nice home in an expensive neighborhood, vacation, fine dining, etc.

I can’t help but feel bad that in all the years that I have known her, she has never picked up the tab once, even a coffee. They will sometimes offer to Venmo their portion of the meal but will never once offer to pick up the tab.

Do I have the right to be annoyed?

I don’t want to be petty but it just seems so rude never to even offer to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

This is who she is. She’s not going to magically change. If it continues to bother you then don’t make any more plans with her. You must be getting something out of the friendship if this has been going on for so long. Decide whether it’s worth if you continue.
You can’t change others, you only control your own reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is who she is. She’s not going to magically change. If it continues to bother you then don’t make any more plans with her. You must be getting something out of the friendship if this has been going on for so long. Decide whether it’s worth if you continue.
You can’t change others, you only control your own reactions.

Our kids get along and so do the husbands. We hung out in a larger group before Covid so I don’t think I necessarily noticed how they never reciprocated. During Covid, they were one of the few families we saw frequently so they probably came over once a week. That was fine. We were glad for the company during Covid.

I once forgot my wallet when we went out to dinner and she paid for me. She had me Venmo her my share. It just annoyed me because we have treated them to dinner so many times and this is her entire family. Half the time they came over, we would order in. The other times, we would cook for them. They have not invited us over as a family even once.

[Anonymous]

As the other PP said she's not going to change. Maybe during the pandemic you tolerated it because you liked the company. Now you can slowly move away from hosting in your home and just meeting up places.

[Anonymous]

Lots of wealthy people are cheap. This is huge turn off for me, pick and choose friends that you enjoy. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is who she is. She’s not going to magically change. If it continues to bother you then don’t make any more plans with her. You must be getting something out of the friendship if this has been going on for so long. Decide whether it’s worth if you continue.
You can’t change others, you only control your own reactions.

Our kids get along and so do the husbands. We hung out in a larger group before Covid so I don’t think I necessarily noticed how they never reciprocated. During Covid, they were one of the few families we saw frequently so they probably came over once a week. That was fine. We were glad for the company during Covid.

I once forgot my wallet when we went out to dinner and she paid for me. She had me Venmo her my share. It just annoyed me because we have treated them to dinner so many times and this is her entire family. Half the time they came over, we would order in. The other times, we would cook for them. They have not invited us over as a family even once.

Yeah that’s tacky she should have just picked up the bill given your history of inviting them over.

She’s cheap. She probably also is not a good entertainer and does not feel comfortable hostessing. It is what it is. Accept and decide if you still want to be friends despite this flaw.

[Anonymous]

The money part is cheap and the never hosting part is inhospitable. If you don’t like her/the family well enough to continue inviting them over, disengage. Maybe have the dads take the kids to the playground for play dates.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop inviting her and her family over for meals. Maybe the kid can come over if your kids are friends, but I'd send the kid home before dinner time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider myself a generous person and most of my friends are also generous. I have this one friend who just never ever reciprocates. We have had them over probably 30-40 times and always feed them meals every single time. She had invited my daughter over for a play date once and it was only because all the kids were begging to go over to their house while we were at a park 5 min away. They are clearly well off. Dh has an executive position at a huge corporation, live in a nice home in an expensive neighborhood, vacation, fine dining, etc.

I can’t help but feel bad that in all the years that I have known her, she has never picked up the tab once, even a coffee. They will sometimes offer to Venmo their portion of the meal but will never once offer to pick up the tab.

Do I have the right to be annoyed?

Ask for separate checks when you're out with them.

I don’t want to be petty but it just seems so rude never to even offer to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Stop paying for her coffee and meals but about the hosting at home is relax. Some people find hosting extremely stressful if you don’t, great! Or if you are finding it stressful stop doing it. Also, some kids want/“need” more play dates than others so if her child isn’t usually clamoring for having friends over (and she doesn’t enjoy it) it makes perfect sense why she wouldn’t invite. (Having said that I think she should not accept so many invites if she’s literally never going to initiate but not is it reasonable to expect perfect symmetry.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is who she is. She’s not going to magically change. If it continues to bother you then don’t make any more plans with her. You must be getting something out of the friendship if this has been going on for so long. Decide whether it’s worth if you continue.
You can’t change others, you only control your own reactions.

Our kids get along and so do the husbands. We hung out in a larger group before Covid so I don’t think I necessarily noticed how they never reciprocated. During Covid, they were one of the few families we saw frequently so they probably came over once a week. That was fine. We were glad for the company during Covid.

I once forgot my wallet when we went out to dinner and she paid for me. She had me Venmo her my share. It just annoyed me because we have treated them to dinner so many times and this is her entire family. Half the time they came over, we would order in. The other times, we would cook for them. They have not invited us over as a family even once.

Stop inviting them over and find new friends that reciprocate if this is important to you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like it when other people pick up the tab. It’s really simple to split checks these days. Just pay for what you ordered and I will too.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it Why are you not getting 2 separate checks at the restaurants or ordering your own coffees at Starbucks?

As for not ever hosting playdates, maybe she has anxiety with people at her house. I know I'm always a bit panicky, scrambling to clean up and make it tidy, etc.
Maybe she feels judged if hosting a playdate doesn't go pucture-perfect.
How did the playsate go the 1x you were there?

[Anonymous]

30-40 times over how many years? That’s a lot. I don’t think I’ve been to my closest friends’ houses that many times. So you are clearly a very social person who enjoys hosting. Your friend has come to expect that you will invite and you will host because that’s the precedent you’ve established. Honestly, the kind of people who constantly have people over can get kind of bossy and territorial about it. Like, they expect things to happen at their house, particularly if they’ve spent a lot on renovations or whatnot because they want to entertain a lot. (Or because they want to appear to be the type of people who enjoy entertaining.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like it when other people pick up the tab. It’s really simple to split checks these days. Just pay for what you ordered and I will too.

That’s fine for you, but this lady is perfectly okay with other people picking up her tab. She’ll just never reciprocate.