Friends who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I would've never been continuing to pay their meals when going out. How does that even work?? She never takes wallet out when time to pay? Stop being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are secretly in debt up to their eyeballs barely staying afloat and the whole lifestyle is a sham? So they take advantage when they can? I always assume something is up when people's actions don't make a lot of sense. But I'd still distance myself once the pattern was obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read comprehension people. The friend picked up her meal once because OP forgot her wallet. Said friend then requested payment for it even though OP has spent a great deal of money hosting her friend and family at her home and also treating her entire family to dinner out.

Comprehension isn't the issue. OP never, ever mentioned going to a restaurant in her original post. The original post was strictly about inviting her friend to her home for dinner 30 or 40 times. The one restaurant incident where they split the tab was buried later in subsequent posts. But ok, I saw it now.

Again OP, you are the weirdo here. It's incredibly tacky to invite a family over to dinner at your home and expect them to pay you cash to eat. WTF. I don't care how or who prepared the food. For restaurant dining, it's not out of the ordinary to PayPal or Venmo a friend to cover your half. Could she have just covered the whole tab? Yes. She probably should have. But what you are wanting - payment for coming over as dinner guests - is way tackier.

Op here. I would never ask anyone to pay to eat at my house. Of course not. I have hosted them at our house 30-40x and never asked them to pay. They are my guests. Why would I ask them to pay me.

When we went out pre Covid and during Covid a few times, we would split the bill. Totally fine.

One time she paid for me she made me Venmo her. It made me think how they never invite us or treat us ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read comprehension people. The friend picked up her meal once because OP forgot her wallet. Said friend then requested payment for it even though OP has spent a great deal of money hosting her friend and family at her home and also treating her entire family to dinner out.

Comprehension isn't the issue. OP never, ever mentioned going to a restaurant in her original post. The original post was strictly about inviting her friend to her home for dinner 30 or 40 times. The one restaurant incident where they split the tab was buried later in subsequent posts. But ok, I saw it now.

Again OP, you are the weirdo here. It's incredibly tacky to invite a family over to dinner at your home and expect them to pay you cash to eat. WTF. I don't care how or who prepared the food. For restaurant dining, it's not out of the ordinary to PayPal or Venmo a friend to cover your half. Could she have just covered the whole tab? Yes. She probably should have. But what you are wanting - payment for coming over as dinner guests - is way tackier.

Op here. I would never ask anyone to pay to eat at my house. Of course not. I have hosted them at our house 30-40x and never asked them to pay. They are my guests. Why would I ask them to pay me.

When we went out pre Covid and during Covid a few times, we would split the bill. Totally fine.

One time she paid for me she made me Venmo her. It made me think how they never invite us or treat us ever.

Ok. You should have mentioned this 1 incident in your original post, if that's what your gripe is all about.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I had to check at first because I was wondering if you were me.

But, with my friend at least, she would never ask me to Venmo her - she would have said of you have us over so much, let me get this.

We have family friends woh have kids the same age, and as you say over covid especially it was just easier to get together with them fairly exclusively over other people. We always host. Sometimes we cook and elaborate meal (because we like to) and when they come to our house they're like oh we just did a 5 mile hike or did this or that fun thing and I feel annoyed that I'm sacrificing my entire afternoon to make dinner for people who are out doing fun things. If there was reciprocity, that's one thing, but when it's entirely one sided it can grate.

A couple of things -
- when you invite them over, if you're ordering food in, I'd arrange it so that you each ordered (and thus paid) separately. With our friends, we'd each place our order and pay online, then the friends would pick both up on their way to our house. Or we'd meet in a park, bring your own dinner.

- pick and choose when to invite them (and sometimes what to serve). We've taken subtle breaks over the years, then start inviting them again. Or I intentionally make sure whatever is for dinner is easy and simple.

- ask them to pick up beer or wine or dessert. Oh, we're out of beer - would you mind getting some on your way over? This is harder to do, but we do it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider myself a generous person and most of my friends are also generous. I have this one friend who just never ever reciprocates. We have had them over probably 30-40 times and always feed them meals every single time. She had invited my daughter over for a play date once and it was only because all the kids were begging to go over to their house while we were at a park 5 min away. They are clearly well off. Dh has an executive position at a huge corporation, live in a nice home in an expensive neighborhood, vacation, fine dining, etc.

I can’t help but feel bad that in all the years that I have known her, she has never picked up the tab once, even a coffee. They will sometimes offer to Venmo their portion of the meal but will never once offer to pick up the tab.

Do I have the right to be annoyed?

I don’t want to be petty but it just seems so rude never to even offer to reciprocate.

Sort of. She can't read your mind and whoever asks offers. However, call her and tease "Your treat?" about any future get-togethers. Some people hate having guests and may have had a bad experience. It is not just financial. They may even feel burdened visiting you.

[Anonymous]

I can’t get past that you’ve had these people over 30-40 times and are only now wondering if you can be annoyed. Are you socially needy and always feeling like you need to have plans? Do she maybe feel like she’s doing you a favor hanging out with you because you ask so often that you must be bored or lonely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t get past that you’ve had these people over 30-40 times and are only now wondering if you can be annoyed. Are you socially needy and always feeling like you need to have plans? Do she maybe feel like she’s doing you a favor hanging out with you because you ask so often that you must be bored or lonely?

I guess you could say they were our bubble. We would meet up at the park or playground, then our backyard where we would eat together. Eventually we let them inside. They were probably the only friends we hosted at our house for about one full year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d stop inviting them over. You are part of a one-sided relationship here. You do all the giving and they do all the taking.

Maybe they have someone trapped in their basement? Maybe they live over their means and are actually heavily in debt? Who knows. It doesn’t matter. (Unless there is someone in the basement.) You just need to find better friends.

+1. Your friend is a mooch. You can do better. If you and DC like their kid, just invite the kid for a playdate.

[Anonymous]

The hosting part doesn't bother me that much. I know that gives me anxiety personally.

The paying thing seems rude though. But if you otherwise like them, I think just treating them equally cheaply is great. Having them over for a bbq? Ask them to bring a side dish. Or its "BYOB or BYOmeat". Don't pick up the tab. They might get a clue if you do.

They are probably just entitled people who grew up rich who are used to other people serving them and don't even think about it.

[Anonymous]

I'd get annoyed after the 3rd or 4th time hosting and not invited in return. You're way beyond that. This is what your friend is. No need to treat them anymore, especially after the venmo incident. Focus on generous people.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out what you're comfortable with in this relationship.

If you don't feel comfortable inviting her and her family over any more, then don't.

We have friends who we invite over and they never reciprocate. it's fine with us.

The problem is that you're not fine with this relationship, it seems. So figure out a way to be fine with your relationship.

Don't pick up the tab at restaurants. Just split it. That one's easy.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who said - that's who they are. Either continue to invite them knowing this, or don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read comprehension people. The friend picked up her meal once because OP forgot her wallet. Said friend then requested payment for it even though OP has spent a great deal of money hosting her friend and family at her home and also treating her entire family to dinner out.

Comprehension isn't the issue. OP never, ever mentioned going to a restaurant in her original post. The original post was strictly about inviting her friend to her home for dinner 30 or 40 times. The one restaurant incident where they split the tab was buried later in subsequent posts. But ok, I saw it now.

Again OP, you are the weirdo here. It's incredibly tacky to invite a family over to dinner at your home and expect them to pay you cash to eat. WTF. I don't care how or who prepared the food. For restaurant dining, it's not out of the ordinary to PayPal or Venmo a friend to cover your half. Could she have just covered the whole tab? Yes. She probably should have. But what you are wanting - payment for coming over as dinner guests - is way tackier.

Op here. I would never ask anyone to pay to eat at my house. Of course not. I have hosted them at our house 30-40x and never asked them to pay. They are my guests. Why would I ask them to pay me.

When we went out pre Covid and during Covid a few times, we would split the bill. Totally fine.

One time she paid for me she made me Venmo her. It made me think how they never invite us or treat us ever.

Ok. You should have mentioned this 1 incident in your original post, if that's what your gripe is all about.

It's possible she just is used to Venmo and splitting costs when dining out, which is why she asked you for the Venmo.

I have a friend who hosts people all of the time because it's more convenient for her and she will never accept invitations to visit others because it is hassle for her. Your friend may be clueless as to social graces and the fact that you are expecting reciprocation. Some people are unsocial and unaware of the expectation to return the favor for hosting. It's also possible that she doesn't like hosting and finds it stressful.

Frankly, it sounds like you are expecting something in return for your hosting them so frequently and are resentful that they are not living up to this unstated expectation. There is no reason to continue hanging out with them if you are feeling resentful. I know that most people will find this suggestion rude, but since it sounds like you are close, you could suggest visiting her place and see how she reacts. Something like "Susan, I don't believe that I've seen that new big screen that you mentioned. Why don't we do pizza night with the kids at your place on Friday for a change of pace?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider myself a generous person and most of my friends are also generous. I have this one friend who just never ever reciprocates. We have had them over probably 30-40 times and always feed them meals every single time. She had invited my daughter over for a play date once and it was only because all the kids were begging to go over to their house while we were at a park 5 min away. They are clearly well off. Dh has an executive position at a huge corporation, live in a nice home in an expensive neighborhood, vacation, fine dining, etc.

I can’t help but feel bad that in all the years that I have known her, she has never picked up the tab once, even a coffee. They will sometimes offer to Venmo their portion of the meal but will never once offer to pick up the tab.

Do I have the right to be annoyed?

I don’t want to be petty but it just seems so rude never to even offer to reciprocate.

I have a friend like this and I think you do have the right to feel annoyed. I certainly do. I hate when friendships are lopsided but the taker friend keeps it going. At first I didn’t understand why the taker friend continued the friendship if she was ultimately always taking?? It makes no sense to me but if you are the taker I guess it makes perfect sense. You have someone who is constantly giving to you. That’s why I realized the onus is on us the generous ones to stop being generous to these takers. My 2 cents. I wish I would have learned this lesson earlier in life, unfortunately I come from a generous family so I had to learn it the hard way.