Does your spouse owe your parents financial assistance?

[Anonymous]

I think parents should be straightforward with there kids about if you want private colleges, nice off campus apartment and new car, you should write it down and pay it back ad our savings aren't unlimited and your needs are our responsibility but wants aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents should be straightforward with there kids about if you want private colleges, nice off campus apartment and new car, you should write it down and pay it back ad our savings aren't unlimited and your needs are our responsibility but wants aren't.

Usually kids want to pay back, its the spouses who doesn't. If its a bank loan, they would pay interest as well so better to have a legal document.

[Anonymous]

No one over 18 should think of money from their parents as freebie or need based aid unless parents are filthy rich. You are an adult, pay it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My money is my husband's money and vice versa. We tell each other when we spend it. I haven't had to do this myself, but my husband is a Vietnamese war refugee and has always sent money back to his home country, to support the descendants of relatives who were stuck there. Currently he and his brothers are paying for law school for one of their nieces, whom they've never even met in person! I don't even know to whom the rest of the money goes, but they send the money to their mother, who sends a large check to Vietnam.

It seems you and your husband are not a team here. You should be. Don't be scared or ashamed. This is a totally legitimate and morally-appropriate expense.

OP here. Well of course, his money is my money and mine is his. But I earn an income and so does he. I do not feel like my family is entitled to his income but they are to mine, if that makes sense? I do not think my husband has to part with his income on my family's behalf unless he wants to.

I am not the PP, but I do not separate out our family money into "money I make" vs. "money he makes." That is not how our finances work. In our family, something like this is discussed as a family expense and how much it is depends on what the family (DH and me) think we can afford - not what I think I can personally afford with my paycheck alone. The $600 is coming from somewhere. If you have a lot of disposable income, it's coming from that, but if you don't, the $600 you're sending your parents, and whatever else you want DH to send to them, is coming out of another expense.

I see two problems here:

1) you are sending your parents money that your husband, by your admission, isn't happy about. $600 is a lot of money to be sending away when your partner doesn't approve. It is worth talking with him and discussing whether your family can tolerate increasing this amount, but it is also completely appropriate for him to say no.

2) your sense of obligation to your parents may or may not be healthy. Absolutely they supported you. Most people's parents support them as children. That is not a thing that anyone should be expected to pay back. Your parents sound like they planned for you and your sister to support them, but it doesn't sound like either of your spouses is on board with that arrangement, or you would both already be sending more. You need to work out why you feel so obligated to send money to them, to send your sibling to school, etc. Do you have children? This money could be funding your own children's education, not your siblings. It could be funding your own retirement, not your parents. I would not be comfortable if my spouse was supporting their family of origin at the expense of our kids and our family.

Agree. Like a pp said ..throwing $$$ indefinitely into a black hole. It will never stop. Should be saving for your own retirement and kids tuition first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh not just NO! But He!! No.

Where do your parents live that they need >$600/mth every.single.month.

Your parents will never become independent if you continue to save them from themselves. Just admit it they spend too much it’s not that they are destitute.

I would never agree to this.

Also, I gave my IL $30K at one point because they needed to get out of a house but the black hole NO!

This!

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a wealthy family and my family is middle class. I am an only child. Before we got married we discussed the following-
We each have out own accounts and joint accounts for house, bills and kids.
Gifts to our families come out of out personal discretionary money. My husband tends to buy his parents a book or send flowers. I buy my parents iPhones, a TV, a computer, etc.
If something happens to me while they are still alive, he will take care of them. Not lavishly, but he will make sure they are not living in poverty.
His parents are financially generous and we take care to protect and separate that money to pass it to our children. If we help my parents in their final years, we will do that out of our salaries and savings we earned. It will not be a wealth transfer from his parents to mine. I insisted on this - he doesn’t seem to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a wealthy family and my family is middle class. I am an only child. Before we got married we discussed the following-
We each have out own accounts and joint accounts for house, bills and kids.
Gifts to our families come out of out personal discretionary money. My husband tends to buy his parents a book or send flowers. I buy my parents iPhones, a TV, a computer, etc.
If something happens to me while they are still alive, he will take care of them. Not lavishly, but he will make sure they are not living in poverty.
His parents are financially generous and we take care to protect and separate that money to pass it to our children. If we help my parents in their final years, we will do that out of our salaries and savings we earned. It will not be a wealth transfer from his parents to mine. I insisted on this - he doesn’t seem to care.

This is so sweet and the relationship I aspire to have In my future marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you and your sister are sending roughly $1,400 and it sounds like your parents live in a poor country - what exactly are they doing with all the funds?

[Anonymous]

Is this also your post, OP?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/993680.page

What’s happened since then?

[Anonymous]

I come from a culture where generally parents help kids with childcare and college, and then kids help parents with their expenses as they grow old.
To me, this is normal, and unless the amount of support is like 1/4 of your family income it should not be a problem for my (prospective) spouse (I divorced before my parents aged to this point so it hasn’t been an issue).
I generally find that for Americans even a relatively small amount that does not go towards loans, mortgage, pension, or college savings represents a problem (I am talking about regular middle class people not DCUM). Many can’t fathom spending even a small amount “frivolously”, it includes helping family, but also vacations or entertainment/culture.
This was the difference that struck me when I first came to the US: in my culture the future is considered very uncertain and there is less delayed gratification spending/saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a wealthy family and my family is middle class. I am an only child. Before we got married we discussed the following-
We each have out own accounts and joint accounts for house, bills and kids.
Gifts to our families come out of out personal discretionary money. My husband tends to buy his parents a book or send flowers. I buy my parents iPhones, a TV, a computer, etc.
If something happens to me while they are still alive, he will take care of them. Not lavishly, but he will make sure they are not living in poverty.
His parents are financially generous and we take care to protect and separate that money to pass it to our children. If we help my parents in their final years, we will do that out of our salaries and savings we earned. It will not be a wealth transfer from his parents to mine. I insisted on this - he doesn’t seem to care.

This is so sweet and the relationship I aspire to have In my future marriage.

That is sweet and all, but money is fungible. The 10k his parents put in your kids 529 allows you to free up 10k to do other things with, like support your family of origin. This is all fine as long as it's not creating a wedge between you and your husband or creating weird extended family dynamics. It's okay to accept generosity that doesn't come with manipulative strings.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how you think that the money you earn is yours to spend how you want even though your husband doesn’t approve and you also think that the money your husband earns should be yours to spend how you want too.

The entitlement is mind blowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture where generally parents help kids with childcare and college, and then kids help parents with their expenses as they grow old.
To me, this is normal, and unless the amount of support is like 1/4 of your family income it should not be a problem for my (prospective) spouse (I divorced before my parents aged to this point so it hasn’t been an issue).
I generally find that for Americans even a relatively small amount that does not go towards loans, mortgage, pension, or college savings represents a problem (I am talking about regular middle class people not DCUM). Many can’t fathom spending even a small amount “frivolously”, it includes helping family, but also vacations or entertainment/culture.
This was the difference that struck me when I first came to the US: in my culture the future is considered very uncertain and there is less delayed gratification spending/saving.

People are reacting more negatively to OP because she may have posted before and her parents have not made the best choices. Her father needs to get a job. He should not be "retired" if his finances are so bad. And if this is because of debts, the right thing to do is to settle the debt or at least make a real plan to get out of debt, rather than just asking for more and more and more money.

[Anonymous]

Money should ALWAYS flow down. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father needs to come out of retirement. He should never have retired when he still had two children to put through school.

You made a mistake - you and your sibling (and your spouses) should all go to one (the same, at the same time) financial advisor and explain how much your family of origin needs (and make sure your parents are not exploiting by inflating costs) and how much you and your spouses make and what's reasonable.

So much this. He apparently assumes OP and her older siblings would subsidize him, and their younger siblings.