Does your spouse owe your parents financial assistance?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
This is a tricky subject. I come from a poor family and my parents sacrificed everything to give me educational and immigration opportunities so that I now live a MC-UMC in NOVA. I married my American husband who isn't rich but now makes a solid income from his business. I have been sending money to my parents for various purposes since I was 25 years old, so for about 10 years now. As they have gotten older their expenses have only increased. They are in debt, need to pay for school for my younger sibling who lives with them and need money for utilities and sustenance. Its come to the point where the monthly $600 I send them is not enough. I think a part of them expects my DH to swoop in and contribute money as well. So far, I have been taking this expense on on my own, with my own paycheck as I do not want my DH to get involved.
I also have a sister who lives in the States and she too has been sending money home through her own paycheck as well. She makes a little more than me and is married to a rich guy. She also states that she doesn't want our parents to be a burden on her husband as they are our parents and not his. I guess my question is, are we being fair by not including our husbands the financial support we provide our family? A part of me feels like my family is now my husband's family too and as such he needs to contribute to costs pertaining to their care. Again, my sister and her husband are richer than us and would probably have more means down the line to provide costs. I am obviously confused and some guidance would be appreciated. |
Anonymous
| How is the $600 you’re sending them not also his $600? Y’all are married. It is family money. If you feel that you need to send more, talk to your husband about it, but in my experience most Americans do not feel obligated to financially support their parents. How does your husband feel about the $609? |
Anonymous
|
Is your husband aware of all this? If he knows that you've been sending money (you don't have a joint account?) and that your parents need even more than what you've been sending, he would offer if he wanted to send them more.
If he is aware, and hasn't offered, then I wouldn't ask him. No, he doesn't "need to" send them anything. |
Anonymous
|
My money is my husband's money and vice versa. We tell each other when we spend it. I haven't had to do this myself, but my husband is a Vietnamese war refugee and has always sent money back to his home country, to support the descendants of relatives who were stuck there. Currently he and his brothers are paying for law school for one of their nieces, whom they've never even met in person! I don't even know to whom the rest of the money goes, but they send the money to their mother, who sends a large check to Vietnam. It seems you and your husband are not a team here. You should be. Don't be scared or ashamed. This is a totally legitimate and morally-appropriate expense. |
Anonymous
No, it is throwing money into an indefinite black hole. |
Anonymous
My husband is not thrilled that I am sending over a large portion of my small paycheck every month, but he doesn't say anything as without it my parents and sibling would suffer. |
Anonymous
| How on earth did you not discuss this before you were married? Before you started sending the money? At this point you may benefit from talking this through with a marital counselor because it does not sound like you have a solid marriage. A solid marriage involves making significant financial decisions together. |
Anonymous
OP here. Well of course, his money is my money and mine is his. But I earn an income and so does he. I do not feel like my family is entitled to his income but they are to mine, if that makes sense? I do not think my husband has to part with his income on my family's behalf unless he wants to. |
Anonymous
OP here. What have I not done that I need to be doing here? |
Anonymous
Sorry, but if the parents in question have sacrificed for their kids and were loving, decent, people, your comment is rather shocking. Kids are a massive expense too, you know. Are you going to tell them that at 18, they're on their own? This reasoning is fallacious because it doesn't factor in love, respect and a sense of gratitude. The rub comes when you're trying to balance saving for retirement, for college and supporting elderly parents. Obviously there are hard choices to make. But morally, it's a given that if there's money to help them, loving and caring parents should be helped. |
Anonymous
I am not the PP, but I do not separate out our family money into "money I make" vs. "money he makes." That is not how our finances work. In our family, something like this is discussed as a family expense and how much it is depends on what the family (DH and me) think we can afford - not what I think I can personally afford with my paycheck alone. The $600 is coming from somewhere. If you have a lot of disposable income, it's coming from that, but if you don't, the $600 you're sending your parents, and whatever else you want DH to send to them, is coming out of another expense. I see two problems here: 1) you are sending your parents money that your husband, by your admission, isn't happy about. $600 is a lot of money to be sending away when your partner doesn't approve. It is worth talking with him and discussing whether your family can tolerate increasing this amount, but it is also completely appropriate for him to say no. 2) your sense of obligation to your parents may or may not be healthy. Absolutely they supported you. Most people's parents support them as children. That is not a thing that anyone should be expected to pay back. Your parents sound like they planned for you and your sister to support them, but it doesn't sound like either of your spouses is on board with that arrangement, or you would both already be sending more. You need to work out why you feel so obligated to send money to them, to send your sibling to school, etc. Do you have children? This money could be funding your own children's education, not your siblings. It could be funding your own retirement, not your parents. I would not be comfortable if my spouse was supporting their family of origin at the expense of our kids and our family. |
Anonymous
|
I can understand where you're coming from. But your situation sounds like a bottomless pit. You say as your parents age, the expenses are increasing too, and they need your money for sustenance. Are they in such dire financial strait that they're completely dependent on you and your sister? It does not sound like a sustainable situation. How old is your younger sibling?
I think you and your sister need to have a hard look at your parents actual needs in the coming years and come up with a realistic projection of the monthly expense. If it's going to be far greater than what you can afford now on your paycheck, you'll have to have the uncomfortable conversation with your H. |
Anonymous
|
i know it is a cultural difference, but i think adults should support themselves, absent some special circumstance. that is not my culture and i wouldn't want to have to send money to my parents or his parents.
we support in other ways, but not with money. |
Anonymous
|
I agree this should be a joint decision between you and your husband. Once you are married there is no complete separation of funds.
That said, $600 is already quite alot to be sending every month, and with your sister also sending the same. $1200 is plenty of money to be living on in many countries. Do they have zero income of their own? What is the money going on? Anyway, I would discuss this and come up with an amount that you and your husband are both comfortable with. |
Anonymous
| How old is sibling living with parents? Why aren't they contributing? |