Does your spouse owe your parents financial assistance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother really really wanted to attend NYU, wasn't eligible for aid, loans or scholarships. My parents paid for school and high cost of living in NYC even though they could've made him attend community college or much cheaper state school while living at home. They also paid for his MBA from a T20. He is a corporate consultant now. It would be so cruel if he didn't try to make life easier for my parents in their old age.

I attended a state school in full merit scholarship and started an engineering job at 21 so they didn't have to spend as much on me but they would've done the same if i wanted or needed it. I find ways to make retirement comfortable for them, not because they ask or I owe them but because I love them.

They wont need help with bills but will be on limited income and not able to live they way they could be if a lot of their savings weren't gone into helping their 18+ children build good lives for themselves.

That's only fair. Your brother has to be an absolute douchbag if won't help him.

[Anonymous]

OP one of my best friends is in a similar situation where she sends money home to her Asian parents against her husband's wishes and they are on the brink of divorce over it. He's put most of his money in a Trust for their kid because he actually and legitimately feels like he needs to protect their child from her and her parents. I love her, but I understand why he did what he did.

I'm American and understand there are cultural differences at issue here, but I feel strongly that my first responsibility is to my own dependent children. I wouldn't feel good about sending money to able-bodied parents until my children's 529 accounts were fully funded. Moreover, I think you need some boundaries with your parents on how much of your income you can allocate to them v. your own household and retirement.

You are in a difficult situation, OP. I don't think it's fair to ask your spouse or your sister's spouse to contribute, and I think you need to figure out how much of 'your' income you should allocate to your parents v your young children and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP--my suggestion is to sit down with your husband and talk to him about this. You remind him how much you send to your parents and let him know that they are struggling to make ends meet and to pay for college for your youngest sibling. Then you leave it up to him to decide whether he is willing to contribute more towards your family. If he declines, then you have to let your parents know that you are sending them whatever you can afford, and you cannot afford to send more.

While I understand that both of your incomes are joint family money, I think for big expenses like this, you have to have your partner on board to send money out of the nuclear family. If he is not willing to send more and you want to send more, then I suggest that you look into finding a higher paying job or perhaps get a second job to make more to send to your family. While he has married into the family and he is a part of the family, he does have a say into whether to support extended family. The fact that you are already sending a pretty large amount of money to them regularly and he dislikes it but has not complained about it, is already being very supportive. There are many spouses who would not want to send that much money to family, so I think you need to appreciate that he is already being supportive, maybe not to the extent that they want, but much more than many people would. Try not to push too hard or you may build up resentment between him and your family of origin. You don't need to create marital problems from that obligation. How would you feel if you asked to send more money monthly out of his paycheck and he resented it enough to cause marital problems that lead to a divorce. Would that help your family? Would that help you?

So, talk to him and let him make the choice, if he wants to send more money to them. You've made the choice to send them money regularly and he did not criticize or complain. Let him make the choice whether to send more.

[Anonymous]

Oh not just NO! But He!! No.

Where do your parents live that they need >$600/mth every.single.month.

Your parents will never become independent if you continue to save them from themselves. Just admit it they spend too much it’s not that they are destitute.

I would never agree to this.

Also, I gave my IL $30K at one point because they needed to get out of a house but the black hole NO!

[Anonymous]

If you are married, its shared money to spend on yourselves or your children but to share it with your birth families, both have to be on same page. I'm not saying no one should, i think everyone should help their parents and in-laws in needs like disability, healthcare, housing, grocery and such but NO ONE is entitled to spend shared money on education or lifestyle of 18+ siblings.

My husband has paid for education, weddings and other things for his siblings, no one ever thanks or acknowledges his sacrifices. It bothers me. What he spends on his parent's care in old age, never bothered me. They are from a third world country and did the best they could to earn and live frugally.

[Anonymous]

OP, when does your sibling finish school? And do you want to have children? It seems like you're thinking about the present, but your DH may be thinking about the future. When you and he have a child, will you still be willing to spend so much on your parents? Will they be this needy forever?

[Anonymous]

Your father needs to come out of retirement. He should never have retired when he still had two children to put through school.

You made a mistake - you and your sibling (and your spouses) should all go to one (the same, at the same time) financial advisor and explain how much your family of origin needs (and make sure your parents are not exploiting by inflating costs) and how much you and your spouses make and what's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father needs to come out of retirement. He should never have retired when he still had two children to put through school.

You made a mistake - you and your sibling (and your spouses) should all go to one (the same, at the same time) financial advisor and explain how much your family of origin needs (and make sure your parents are not exploiting by inflating costs) and how much you and your spouses make and what's reasonable.

This. What do your parents do all day? Do they both not have jobs? That's your problem right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tricky subject. I come from a poor family and my parents sacrificed everything to give me educational and immigration opportunities so that I now live a MC-UMC in NOVA. I married my American husband who isn't rich but now makes a solid income from his business. I have been sending money to my parents for various purposes since I was 25 years old, so for about 10 years now. As they have gotten older their expenses have only increased. They are in debt, need to pay for school for my younger sibling who lives with them and need money for utilities and sustenance. Its come to the point where the monthly $600 I send them is not enough. I think a part of them expects my DH to swoop in and contribute money as well. So far, I have been taking this expense on on my own, with my own paycheck as I do not want my DH to get involved.

I also have a sister who lives in the States and she too has been sending money home through her own paycheck as well. She makes a little more than me and is married to a rich guy. She also states that she doesn't want our parents to be a burden on her husband as they are our parents and not his.

I guess my question is, are we being fair by not including our husbands the financial support we provide our family? A part of me feels like my family is now my husband's family too and as such he needs to contribute to costs pertaining to their care. Again, my sister and her husband are richer than us and would probably have more means down the line to provide costs.

I am obviously confused and some guidance would be appreciated.

Two questions jump out at me here. First, where is the debt from? Second, it seems they need to be more realistic for what sort of educational support they can provide to your other sibling. If that means community college, so be it. They shouldn't take on more debt to pay for college.

[Anonymous]

OP is gone because she's not getting the answer that she wants, just like the last time she posted. It's simply not her husband's and her sister's husband's responsibility to magic away this problem.

[Anonymous]

They don’t “owe” anyone financial assistance outside their immediate family. However, if they are able, I think it would be the right thing to do in many cases (not all). Unfortunately you are asking people, the majority of which come from a privileged American background, that will not understand the immigrant experience or what life is like in developing countries. For example, accessing student loans is very difficult outside the US and is actually considered a privilege. Please discuss with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is gone because she's not getting the answer that she wants, just like the last time she posted. It's simply not her husband's and her sister's husband's responsibility to magic away this problem.

That's unfair. OP posted this at 10:00 this morning and it's only 1:00. She says she works and is sending the $600 from her own paycheck to her family. It's quite possible that OP works in a job that does not allow her to sit on DCUM all morning and she has to wait for breaks to read/catch up. If she was AWOL after a day or two (or even three), it would be different. But missing for 3 hours and you're already blowing her off because she didn't respond?

I'd say you need to put down the phone and go do something off-line if this is the way your mind works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother really really wanted to attend NYU, wasn't eligible for aid, loans or scholarships. My parents paid for school and high cost of living in NYC even though they could've made him attend community college or much cheaper state school while living at home. They also paid for his MBA from a T20. He is a corporate consultant now. It would be so cruel if he didn't try to make life easier for my parents in their old age.

I attended a state school in full merit scholarship and started an engineering job at 21 so they didn't have to spend as much on me but they would've done the same if i wanted or needed it. I find ways to make retirement comfortable for them, not because they ask or I owe them but because I love them.

They wont need help with bills but will be on limited income and not able to live they way they could be if a lot of their savings weren't gone into helping their 18+ children build good lives for themselves.

Wow. if your parents had more than 18 children and were able to fully fund your brother's NY and grad school education--they must be loaded!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is gone because she's not getting the answer that she wants, just like the last time she posted. It's simply not her husband's and her sister's husband's responsibility to magic away this problem.

That's unfair. OP posted this at 10:00 this morning and it's only 1:00. She says she works and is sending the $600 from her own paycheck to her family. It's quite possible that OP works in a job that does not allow her to sit on DCUM all morning and she has to wait for breaks to read/catch up. If she was AWOL after a day or two (or even three), it would be different. But missing for 3 hours and you're already blowing her off because she didn't respond?

I'd say you need to put down the phone and go do something off-line if this is the way your mind works.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother really really wanted to attend NYU, wasn't eligible for aid, loans or scholarships. My parents paid for school and high cost of living in NYC even though they could've made him attend community college or much cheaper state school while living at home. They also paid for his MBA from a T20. He is a corporate consultant now. It would be so cruel if he didn't try to make life easier for my parents in their old age.

I attended a state school in full merit scholarship and started an engineering job at 21 so they didn't have to spend as much on me but they would've done the same if i wanted or needed it. I find ways to make retirement comfortable for them, not because they ask or I owe them but because I love them.

They wont need help with bills but will be on limited income and not able to live they way they could be if a lot of their savings weren't gone into helping their 18+ children build good lives for themselves.

Wow. if your parents had more than 18 children and were able to fully fund your brother's NY and grad school education--they must be loaded!

18+ in age, 4 in numbers