I’m so unhappy with my baby in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare is fine for the baby. Getting a nanny for your own anxiety and mental health is a decision that you only can make. You have to weigh the peace of mind to have things exactly the way you need it to get yourself comfortable with your situation and care vs the need for financial security.

The first step is to admit that this is for you and not for your baby. Your baby is fine. Now, you and your husband need to discuss what will make you happier and what will make you more comfortable. Having more individualized care for your child or having savings, retirement and more disposable income? Then you two make the best decision for your family.

+10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

We had a nanny for my son and she ended up staying with us for 8 years. She was amazing! So loving and devoted 100% of her work day to him. He developed a very strong attachment to her and she was like part of our family. She eventually left for personal reasons related to her own family (we joke that we would've kept her until he went to college if we could have) but she is still close to my son years later and we are so thankful for her, she's almost like an aunt.

Way better than an institutional daycare, and so convenient. I vote nanny, for sure!

+1 I was a nanny for a girl from 3mos until she started kindergarten. I had a baby that year and sah with him and I took care of her in the summers. As she got older, I'd pick her up a few times a year for fun outings together and to celebrate her birthday. She's in college now and we're still in touch. I am still friends with her parents and am a cool aunt/older friend to her. Having a nanny can be like gaining a family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare is fine for the baby. Getting a nanny for your own anxiety and mental health is a decision that you only can make. You have to weigh the peace of mind to have things exactly the way you need it to get yourself comfortable with your situation and care vs the need for financial security.

The first step is to admit that this is for you and not for your baby. Your baby is fine. Now, you and your husband need to discuss what will make you happier and what will make you more comfortable. Having more individualized care for your child or having savings, retirement and more disposable income? Then you two make the best decision for your family.

I disagree with how you've framed this. First, because you are separating maternal mental health from child well-being, which doesn't make sense. A mother who makes the choice that is best for her mental health is absolutely doing something for her baby. I saw a therapist when my child was an infant, and it was for me but benefitted her as well. And when my time in therapy led me to decide to leave my job so I could work PT instead, and spend more time with my child, that was for me but also benefitted my child. Not because being home with a parent is automatically best for a child, but because that was the solution that created the most family happiness and therefore the most optimal family environment.

When we tell mothers that their happiness is somehow at odds with what is best for their baby, we make this harder than it needs to be. The best situation is the one that serves everyone's needs. That might very well mean keeping a baby in daycare for some families. For others, it might mean a less frugal option but that serves other needs. It's not good for a baby to have a mother who is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

How has it been for your son? My DH doesn’t want to hire a nanny for this reason (would prefer that one of us SAH)- he thinks it will be very hard for a kid to just separate from a nanny one day whereas family will always be around

[Anonymous]

Daycare wasn’t right for us either, OP. We hired a loving, engaged nanny and it’s made all the difference. If it weren’t for our nanny, I would have quit my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

How has it been for your son? My DH doesn’t want to hire a nanny for this reason (would prefer that one of us SAH)- he thinks it will be very hard for a kid to just separate from a nanny one day whereas family will always be around

Family, like grandparents, won’t always be around and a good nanny won’t just abandon your child when the job is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

How has it been for your son? My DH doesn’t want to hire a nanny for this reason (would prefer that one of us SAH)- he thinks it will be very hard for a kid to just separate from a nanny one day whereas family will always be around

Family, like grandparents, won’t always be around and a good nanny won’t just abandon your child when the job is over.

A nanny is still an employee. She wouldn’t do this for free and there should not be an expectation that she will want to maintain a relationship with your child when her contract is up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

How has it been for your son? My DH doesn’t want to hire a nanny for this reason (would prefer that one of us SAH)- he thinks it will be very hard for a kid to just separate from a nanny one day whereas family will always be around

Family, like grandparents, won’t always be around and a good nanny won’t just abandon your child when the job is over.

A nanny is still an employee. She wouldn’t do this for free and there should not be an expectation that she will want to maintain a relationship with your child when her contract is up.

+1. Our nanny was with us for four years and then the kids went to preschool in the fall. They’ve seen her twice since then, both times initiated by me.

[Anonymous]

I felt like this when I sent my first kid to daycare, to the point that it caused me serious anxiety, I saw a therapist, etc. For my second kid, I decided I couldn’t do it again and did a nanny share instead. Guess what, the nanny share was 100 times more stressful than having a kid in daycare. I hated being an employer and having to set the rules, having the nanny in my house all the time, and worrying about what they were doing all day. I don’t think any solution is perfect and that the grass is often greener. For both of my kids, I found that sending them to a high quality preschool when they turned 2 was when I could truly relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that with a nanny you will have to say goodbye eventually. Maybe that will be on your terms and everything will be fine. Or maybe they will decide or take another path in life. It was very, very hard on my son to say goodbye to our nanny (not our choice, she moved). It was almost like his third parent moving away. Six months later and he is partially, but not fully over it.

How has it been for your son? My DH doesn’t want to hire a nanny for this reason (would prefer that one of us SAH)- he thinks it will be very hard for a kid to just separate from a nanny one day whereas family will always be around

Family, like grandparents, won’t always be around and a good nanny won’t just abandon your child when the job is over.

A nanny is still an employee. She wouldn’t do this for free and there should not be an expectation that she will want to maintain a relationship with your child when her contract is up.

Nanny here. The job ends but the love you feel for the child doesn’t stop. I still see all my former charges and have always visited for free. So have all my nanny friends. Some have become the date night sitter as well. You just hire a good nanny and ask her about her relationships with former charges.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had a really, really bad nanny experience with someone that came highly recommended in my [wealthy, UMC] mom's group and had impeccable references, I would stick with daycare where there are multiple caregivers, always more than one adult in the room, people around watching, and they are accountable to multiple people at all times.

Also, honestly, better your child gets all the little kid viruses when they are tiny than when they are school-aged and they are hit harder and out of school for several days. A little diaper rash never hurt anybody. Highly recommend Calmoseptine, btw.

[Anonymous]

I will add to the chorus of consider an in-home daycare or nanny. I had all the same feelings as you with my first in the center we started him in. I’m sure it was fine but I really hated dropping him off there and it just didn’t feel like a good fit since it was making me so anxious. I wasn’t sure if it was just new mom nerves or a right gut feeling. We went and visited an in-home and I knew immediately this was a better fit for us. And it turns out it wasn’t new mom jitters - it was the wrong place for our family. Once we transitioned to the in-home I felt soo much better. He napped better there (separate room for naps made a huge difference), was clearly in such a loving place with caregivers who took great care of him and they also made things so easy. My second is on a home daycare now and for what it’s worth she washes the bottles each day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had a really, really bad nanny experience with someone that came highly recommended in my [wealthy, UMC] mom's group and had impeccable references, I would stick with daycare where there are multiple caregivers, always more than one adult in the room, people around watching, and they are accountable to multiple people at all times.

Also, honestly, better your child gets all the little kid viruses when they are tiny than when they are school-aged and they are hit harder and out of school for several days. A little diaper rash never hurt anybody. Highly recommend Calmoseptine, btw.

I completely disagree as this was not our experience. I followed my gut and pulled my baby from daycare. We have a fantastic nanny who has become family. In fact, we made nanny the Godmother to our third child. Kids are thriving and so are our careers and marriage. But my experience as well as PP’s doesn’t matter.

OP, learn to listen to your new mom-gut. Nothing will serve you better! After a month, you know what is best for your baby and yourself.

[Anonymous]

Pp who just mentioned in home again and just want to add I do agree with the one pp tbag said she didn’t truly relax until age 2 when her child was in a high quality preschool and I do have to say that for me that was a huge switch as well and made a big difference. We loved our in home, but once he was at preschool that was when I finally felt like he really was probably better off in some ways than if I was home (which made it easier to work. I mean, he would be great with me home at those ages too this isn’t to knock sahm) because the preschool was so wonderful and he got such great experiences I couldn’t provide both socially and just so many things. The infant years are just tough for care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had a really, really bad nanny experience with someone that came highly recommended in my [wealthy, UMC] mom's group and had impeccable references, I would stick with daycare where there are multiple caregivers, always more than one adult in the room, people around watching, and they are accountable to multiple people at all times.

Also, honestly, better your child gets all the little kid viruses when they are tiny than when they are school-aged and they are hit harder and out of school for several days. A little diaper rash never hurt anybody. Highly recommend Calmoseptine, btw.

I completely disagree as this was not our experience. I followed my gut and pulled my baby from daycare. We have a fantastic nanny who has become family. In fact, we made nanny the Godmother to our third child. Kids are thriving and so are our careers and marriage. But my experience as well as PP’s doesn’t matter.

OP, learn to listen to your new mom-gut. Nothing will serve you better! After a month, you know what is best for your baby and yourself.

I'm sorry, what? You, a complete stranger on the internet, DISAGREES that I had a terrible experience with a nanny that was borderline abusive? You had a great experience with your nanny so you DISAGREE with my experience???? Seriously, what the hell?