Why would you want to bring a girl to family dinner?

[Anonymous]

"Oh hi Bill! I was just about to head off to my book club. DH is in charge of dinner tonight. Byeee!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL is always trying to bring girls to our house for dinner. BIL never even calls his mom and is estranged from his dad. Parents divorced when he was young. BIL is my husband’s brother. We don’t host many people, especially during the pandemic. We live in a nice home and have 3 kids. If BIL was bringing a serious girlfriend, I would be happy to meet her and have my kids meet her. Over the years, he is always trying to bring these girls to our house. It is very annoying to me.

If BIL wanted to introduce a girl to his mom, fine. He barely talks to his mom. He doesn’t invite us to his place or to a dinner. He just tries to come to OUR house uninvited. Fine if BIL comes uninvited and we don’t have quite enough food but it is so annoying to put out food for a stranger. We don’t host often, very rarely in 2 years.

OP is it possible these women don't actually know the B.I.L. (brother in law) or only just met him outside your house, or followed him there so they could meet coincidentally? And there he is (the B.I.L.) sitting there thinking "well who is this lady?" and wondering if possibly you or someone else invited her? Sometimes people arrive, presenting themself as friends, including new friends, but they really are an imposter or a "rando" as some say, there to do some investigating or exploring or even just to get a new meal? We have seen this happen before and am wondering if it might be the case here or if that's something you are considering? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL is always trying to bring girls to our house for dinner. BIL never even calls his mom and is estranged from his dad. Parents divorced when he was young. BIL is my husband’s brother. We don’t host many people, especially during the pandemic. We live in a nice home and have 3 kids. If BIL was bringing a serious girlfriend, I would be happy to meet her and have my kids meet her. Over the years, he is always trying to bring these girls to our house. It is very annoying to me.

If BIL wanted to introduce a girl to his mom, fine. He barely talks to his mom. He doesn’t invite us to his place or to a dinner. He just tries to come to OUR house uninvited. Fine if BIL comes uninvited and we don’t have quite enough food but it is so annoying to put out food for a stranger. We don’t host often, very rarely in 2 years.

OP is it possible these women don't actually know the B.I.L. (brother in law) or only just met him outside your house, or followed him there so they could meet coincidentally? And there he is (the B.I.L.) sitting there thinking "well who is this lady?" and wondering if possibly you or someone else invited her? Sometimes people arrive, presenting themself as friends, including new friends, but they really are an imposter or a "rando" as some say, there to do some investigating or exploring or even just to get a new meal? We have seen this happen before and am wondering if it might be the case here or if that's something you are considering? Just a thought.

WTH? This does not happen. LOL

[Anonymous]

OP will not answer how often this is happening, so I am reserving my opinion until we get this info...

[Anonymous]

Have your DH call him and both of you tell him this isn't okay. Tell him what IS okay (like, Sundays only and with advance permission). Then if he tries it again, embarrass him in front of his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's signaling to these girls that he has a family he has good relationship with and he's serious about dating them.
Except none of that is true. But I'm sure he's getting something out of it.

This is the correct answer. It's a way of implying that he's very committed to and exclusive with these girls, while maintaining complete plausible deniability that "I never said that."

Because most normal people only introduce somewhat serious and exclusive partners to their extended family, especially in an intimate family dinner setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL is always trying to bring girls to our house for dinner. BIL never even calls his mom and is estranged from his dad. Parents divorced when he was young. BIL is my husband’s brother. We don’t host many people, especially during the pandemic. We live in a nice home and have 3 kids. If BIL was bringing a serious girlfriend, I would be happy to meet her and have my kids meet her. Over the years, he is always trying to bring these girls to our house. It is very annoying to me.

If BIL wanted to introduce a girl to his mom, fine. He barely talks to his mom. He doesn’t invite us to his place or to a dinner. He just tries to come to OUR house uninvited. Fine if BIL comes uninvited and we don’t have quite enough food but it is so annoying to put out food for a stranger. We don’t host often, very rarely in 2 years.

Keep it simple by ordering delivery and sending him a receipt or Venmo request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's signaling to these girls that he has a family he has good relationship with and he's serious about dating them.
Except none of that is true. But I'm sure he's getting something out of it.

This is the correct answer. It's a way of implying that he's very committed to and exclusive with these girls, while maintaining complete plausible deniability that "I never said that."

Because most normal people only introduce somewhat serious and exclusive partners to their extended family, especially in an intimate family dinner setting.

Possibly true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's signaling to these girls that he has a family he has good relationship with and he's serious about dating them.
Except none of that is true. But I'm sure he's getting something out of it.

This is the correct answer. It's a way of implying that he's very committed to and exclusive with these girls, while maintaining complete plausible deniability that "I never said that."

Because most normal people only introduce somewhat serious and exclusive partners to their extended family, especially in an intimate family dinner setting.

I would ask him "How is your other girlfriend Larla? It was so nice to meet her last time you stopped by. And what about Larleen? I think it is so great how you are all so comfortable and open being poly. Love is love!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP will not answer how often this is happening, so I am reserving my opinion until we get this info...

Op here. This happens every holiday and anytime his mother visits us. She lives out of state. She visits a few times per year. He also invited himself over frequently (once per week). I don’t care about this that much. It is dh’s only brother. He wants free food, hang out, whatever. Now he wants to bring these girls to our house too.

It is annoying because I may have to get ready. I don’t want to be wearing just sweats if we have guests. I can’t put out leftovers and most likely have to burn 2 dinners I had planned for the week and they always overstay and suck up our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP will not answer how often this is happening, so I am reserving my opinion until we get this info...

Op here. This happens every holiday and anytime his mother visits us. She lives out of state. She visits a few times per year. He also invited himself over frequently (once per week). I don’t care about this that much. It is dh’s only brother. He wants free food, hang out, whatever. Now he wants to bring these girls to our house too.

It is annoying because I may have to get ready. I don’t want to be wearing just sweats if we have guests. I can’t put out leftovers and most likely have to burn 2 dinners I had planned for the week and they always overstay and suck up our time.

It sounds like it is not just random then. And it sounds like by allowing it, you have caused him to think it's okay for him to do.

I think you need to put way way way more of the hosting work on your DH. Why is it that you cannot wear sweats and put out leftovers, though? Normal hosting rules do not apply to people who are not invited.

[Anonymous]

BIL used to also just let himself in with the key code. Another very annoying thing BIL does. So I have stuff to do around the house and now BIL and his freaking date are at our house. It isn’t just girls. This weekend some college friend is visiting him and they want to come over. Always freaking inviting himself over. He came over both Sunday AND Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a joyless sociopath.

I’m actually very pleasant, polite and a good host. I put out a meal if we have guests, fruit, dessert, tea, coffee, etc.


Yeah no wonder BIL wants to come over all the time. If it is BIL, I can just wear sweats, fold laundry, anything. It is pretty rude to do that if we have a real guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a joyless sociopath.

I’m actually very pleasant, polite and a good host. I put out a meal if we have guests, fruit, dessert, tea, coffee, etc.


Yeah no wonder BIL wants to come over all the time. If it is BIL, I can just wear sweats, fold laundry, anything. It is pretty rude to do that if we have a real guest.

You are doing this to yourself. Change the key code and stop treating them as if they are invited guests. Sweats, sandwiches, and you doing chores is what they get. Why do you care what these people think? Why does anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's signaling to these girls that he has a family he has good relationship with and he's serious about dating them.
Except none of that is true. But I'm sure he's getting something out of it.

This is the correct answer. It's a way of implying that he's very committed to and exclusive with these girls, while maintaining complete plausible deniability that "I never said that."

Because most normal people only introduce somewhat serious and exclusive partners to their extended family, especially in an intimate family dinner setting.

I would ask him "How is your other girlfriend Larla? It was so nice to meet her last time you stopped by. And what about Larleen? I think it is so great how you are all so comfortable and open being poly. Love is love!"

Oh he has been upset before when kids mention some girl. Most recently we had heard a funny story about a recent date on and he was afraid the kids would mention in front of the girl he is dating.

BIL went to both college and grad school in the area. When he was in school, he also used to bring his girlfriend around. Pretty sure they used to use our house as a love shack and free food, which I was also highly annoyed at back then. I told Dh he can’t have a code to our house and come and go when we are at work.

Now almost a decade later, he has his own place, earns a good living and still coming over. I am not his freakin mother.