Every sign, signal, Instinct, etc in the world is telling me to leave

[Anonymous]

OP, he's already checked out of your marriage. And you are too.

The choices now are this:
- Divorce. Realize your time with your child will be divided. Also realize that your STBX will undoubtedly and eventually find another woman and perhaps remarry, who WILL be sharing that time with your child.
- Be polite and civil to each other and seek out counseling. It is possible that given time and some honest work by both of you, you can survive this and get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he's already checked out of your marriage. And you are too.

The choices now are this:
- Divorce. Realize your time with your child will be divided. Also realize that your STBX will undoubtedly and eventually find another woman and perhaps remarry, who WILL be sharing that time with your child.
- Be polite and civil to each other and seek out counseling. It is possible that given time and some honest work by both of you, you can survive this and get through it.

I cannot handle the thought of dividing time or a gf/stepmom
I also cannot handle the back and forth hot cold cognitive dissonance
Dec 31: he told me 2021 was a great year and things were in an improving place with our marriage
3 days ago: planning a spring time family trip out west
Today: i wake up crying daily about how lonely and depressing our marriage is

😶

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you BOTH have issues and that past resentments are coloring how you interpret things now. Based on what you have shared, I guarantee that your DH is as adamant that he has legitimate complaints as you are that you do. I also am a little confused that you describe yourself as the breadwinner (implying only one), when it sounds like he contributes but makes less than you. Your post makes it clear that you don’t view freelancing as a real job, even though that is how many people earn a living. I’m wondering if he has picked up on that attitude, fostering more resentment. There’s no question that his behavior as you describe the past couple of days sounds passive-aggressive and could be better. He probably thinks there are things you could do better, too - you didn’t take blame for anything in any of your posts, and I wonder if that’s an issue in your marriage. The fact that you have recently shopped for houses, planned vacations, etc. suggests to me that there is definitely something here to save and that good counseling would be a huge benefit to both of you and your marriage. I’m a DW, btw, who has worked yo resolve some of these issues in my own 25 year marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he's already checked out of your marriage. And you are too.

The choices now are this:
- Divorce. Realize your time with your child will be divided. Also realize that your STBX will undoubtedly and eventually find another woman and perhaps remarry, who WILL be sharing that time with your child.
- Be polite and civil to each other and seek out counseling. It is possible that given time and some honest work by both of you, you can survive this and get through it.

I cannot handle the thought of dividing time or a gf/stepmom
I also cannot handle the back and forth hot cold cognitive dissonance
Dec 31: he told me 2021 was a great year and things were in an improving place with our marriage
3 days ago: planning a spring time family trip out west
Today: i wake up crying daily about how lonely and depressing our marriage is

😶

Is he bipolar? That’s a lot of hot and cold back and forth in a week or so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

I disagree that you need to do everything you can to save your marriage. There's only so much one person can do, and if the other person isn't willing to do their part (and really and truly do their part to change, not just say the right things in counseling then revert back as soon as they get home), it's not worth trying to save.

I went through a horrible war of a divorce. The things that made it horrible - my xH's need to control and retaliate - were the same things present in our marriage. I'd have to deal with them either way, at least with divorce I dealt with them far less, and I had legal representation to back me up. We did counseling for YEARS prior to the divorce and it did nothing. I wish I had just ended the marriage right from the get-go, rather than go through additional years of misery because I felt pressure to do everything I could to save things. Those are years I'll never get back.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I have to try and do my part, for the sake of my sanity and my child. I’m going to pick a date on the calendar for later this year, maybe my birthday in the fall as a d day. Keep working trying or be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

Op here. We have been living completely separate independent lives over the last 2 days. He wrote me a long text today that he’s been deeply unhappy in our marriage since day 1, he feels perpetually lonely and alone, and that he’s the only one who approaches this as a partnership or team. All the things he needs to be happy in a relationship are “undermined by toxic selfishness and bs”

Can we please recall the events of the past 24 hours? He brought up an issue, mainly communication . I proposed a time place and plan to sit down and talk. His response: “maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.”
And he hasn’t looked at or spoken to me since then.

And I’m the one not being a partner or teammate? I’m the one undermining with toxic selfishness and bs?

Yikes, he’s delusional and psychotic. He’s trying again to rewrite the narrative that you’re the AHOle and not him.

Gray rock and yellow rock.

Write back: I don’t agree with your new narrative of what happened.

Or

That’s not what happened and you know that.

That’s not true.

Then just resend and resend if he loves text arguing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you BOTH have issues and that past resentments are coloring how you interpret things now. Based on what you have shared, I guarantee that your DH is as adamant that he has legitimate complaints as you are that you do. I also am a little confused that you describe yourself as the breadwinner (implying only one), when it sounds like he contributes but makes less than you. Your post makes it clear that you don’t view freelancing as a real job, even though that is how many people earn a living. I’m wondering if he has picked up on that attitude, fostering more resentment. There’s no question that his behavior as you describe the past couple of days sounds passive-aggressive and could be better. He probably thinks there are things you could do better, too - you didn’t take blame for anything in any of your posts, and I wonder if that’s an issue in your marriage. The fact that you have recently shopped for houses, planned vacations, etc. suggests to me that there is definitely something here to save and that good counseling would be a huge benefit to both of you and your marriage. I’m a DW, btw, who has worked yo resolve some of these issues in my own 25 year marriage.

Planning and shopping doesn’t suggest $hit. That’s what mental people do to avoid the deadly elephant in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think he’s completely gas lighting me. Everything is somehow my fault, and he appears to take no responsibility or part of it. Examples:

-he was supposed to make a particular financial transaction in 2021. I did my part, he never did his. I didn’t realize till after jan 1 that he never followed thru. When I asked him/called him out on it, he got defensive. He turned it on me, and said “the fact you didn’t bring this up till now shows your inability to communicate. You didn’t bring this up till now, how are we supposed to plan for the future?” UMM he was the one who didn’t do his part. He messed up. But it’s my fault for not communicating?
-we were looking into home purchase last year. Fell in love with a house but it really was over budget. I am legitimately laughing at what he wrote to me in his list of complaints grievances. “I’d appreciate it if you read some finance or investing books. Can’t say you want to live a certain lifestyle then refuse to put thought or effort into making it possible like it’s solely on me.“ My friends, I have been the breadwinner for the last 5 years since he was FIRED and subsequently un/underemployed. In 2021 I made 40k more than him. 2020 I made 65k more. 2019 i made 80k more.

I have been the only stable reliable source of income for the last 5 years. Health insurance. Retirement.
And he has the nerve to say I refuse to put thought and effort into how to live a certain “kind of lifestyle.”

What planet is he on?

Wow. He’s on the Aspergers Bipolar Narcissist planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so

Yikes, he’s delusional and psychotic. He’s trying again to rewrite the narrative that you’re the AHOle and not him.

Gray rock and yellow rock.

Write back: I don’t agree with your new narrative of what happened.

Or

That’s not what happened and you know that.

That’s not true.

Then just resend and resend if he loves text arguing.

This. My dh always sends me these crazy long texts with stuff I did wrong or how he wishes I would have done stuff to support our family. He either wants to argue or wants it in writing. I still haven't figure it out.

I always reply with "you know that's simply not true." Nothing more nothing less. He used to argue back or laugh but now he stops when I do not engage.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you both have some issues. Get a therapist and work on things together and individually. There do seem to be good moments still — I don’t think you are done with this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you + your husband have issues in communicating w/one another.

This makes you both excellent candidates for marriage counseling in my opinion.

Good luck to both of you. 👍🏽👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you BOTH have issues and that past resentments are coloring how you interpret things now. Based on what you have shared, I guarantee that your DH is as adamant that he has legitimate complaints as you are that you do. I also am a little confused that you describe yourself as the breadwinner (implying only one), when it sounds like he contributes but makes less than you. Your post makes it clear that you don’t view freelancing as a real job, even though that is how many people earn a living. I’m wondering if he has picked up on that attitude, fostering more resentment. There’s no question that his behavior as you describe the past couple of days sounds passive-aggressive and could be better. He probably thinks there are things you could do better, too - you didn’t take blame for anything in any of your posts, and I wonder if that’s an issue in your marriage. The fact that you have recently shopped for houses, planned vacations, etc. suggests to me that there is definitely something here to save and that good counseling would be a huge benefit to both of you and your marriage. I’m a DW, btw, who has worked yo resolve some of these issues in my own 25 year marriage.

I agree with this 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he's already checked out of your marriage. And you are too.

The choices now are this:
- Divorce. Realize your time with your child will be divided. Also realize that your STBX will undoubtedly and eventually find another woman and perhaps remarry, who WILL be sharing that time with your child.
- Be polite and civil to each other and seek out counseling. It is possible that given time and some honest work by both of you, you can survive this and get through it.

I cannot handle the thought of dividing time or a gf/stepmom
I also cannot handle the back and forth hot cold cognitive dissonance
Dec 31: he told me 2021 was a great year and things were in an improving place with our marriage
3 days ago: planning a spring time family trip out west
Today: i wake up crying daily about how lonely and depressing our marriage is

😶

Go to therapy to make peace with a divorce and custody sharing time. If the child is cared for well by the other parent, when not with you, you should not be having such issues. My ex is mentally I’ll and can go for hours not talking to his own kids when no one else is in the house- and they are 6 and 8. So situations like that involve talking, negotatiating, therapy, mediation and a bespoke cursory plan. It took a couple years leading up to the separation but he admitted being overwhelmed and parenting classes weren’t helping, thus he has access anytime he is feeling good for it. And we do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so

Yikes, he’s delusional and psychotic. He’s trying again to rewrite the narrative that you’re the AHOle and not him.

Gray rock and yellow rock.

Write back: I don’t agree with your new narrative of what happened.

Or

That’s not what happened and you know that.

That’s not true.

Then just resend and resend if he loves text arguing.

This. My dh always sends me these crazy long texts with stuff I did wrong or how he wishes I would have done stuff to support our family. He either wants to argue or wants it in writing. I still haven't figure it out.

I always reply with "you know that's simply not true." Nothing more nothing less. He used to argue back or laugh but now he stops when I do not engage.

+1.