Every sign, signal, Instinct, etc in the world is telling me to leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Why are you divorcing if you don't want to? Why does he want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Why are you divorcing if you don't want to? Why does he want to?

Affair; being left for the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

NP. At the very beginning stages of a divorce I do not want and I'm already dreadfully and sorrowfully anticipating all of what you outlined here.

Op here. I’m sorry. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.

OP, I agree that you should get into therapy and do what you can to try to save your marriage and rekindle whatever it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. Find a way to communicate with your husband so that he understands you have one foot out the door. That might be what it takes for him to get his act together.

Why are you divorcing if you don't want to? Why does he want to?

Affair; being left for the AP.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP - I'm going through a divorce right now and not even close to an end now and we are coming up on a year of separation. The posters advocating for counseling are 100% correct. You need to do everything you can to save your marriage and family. The counseling will be very telling and how each of you responds will give you a better perspective because there is no stonewalling in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily for fixing a marriage but really defining what is going on and if it is worth saving.

Divorce is horrible, the process is horrible. It is an all out war and things get very, very ugly. You look back and think, "My God, how did it ever get this bad with someone you used to be in love with?"

If the marriage has to end, then at least you know you tried. But go in with eyes wide open to what will likely be a very mean, costly and painful process. It does get better, but make sure you have a good therapist for yourself to help you navigate your new normal.

It's just all so very sad. Hoping you all can find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

Op here. We have been living completely separate independent lives over the last 2 days. He wrote me a long text today that he’s been deeply unhappy in our marriage since day 1, he feels perpetually lonely and alone, and that he’s the only one who approaches this as a partnership or team. All the things he needs to be happy in a relationship are “undermined by toxic selfishness and bs”

Can we please recall the events of the past 24 hours? He brought up an issue, mainly communication . I proposed a time place and plan to sit down and talk. His response: “maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.”
And he hasn’t looked at or spoken to me since then.

And I’m the one not being a partner or teammate? I’m the one undermining with toxic selfishness and bs?

[Anonymous]

Great! You both want a divorce! Go get one. You will both be happier. Your husband isn't dangerous for your kid. He may not even want equal custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s doubling down on being an a hole. I want to be mad about it but I’m choosing to laugh to myself and ignore him, because he’s so pathetic.
He handled bedtime tonight. I went to get a pedicure and have some me time out of the house for a change.
Almost every night, even if my husband handles bedtime, in give our child a little cuddle snuggle before it’s lights out for him.
While I was gone tonight, husband texts me: “he’s crying for you and refusing to go to sleep because he expects you to cuddle him. Maybe you should refer back to the sleep training books and methods you insisted that we follow.”

A: he’s such a d*ck and trying to be rude hurtful at every turn. Cool!
B: I watched the playback from the baby monitor. Our child whined cried for about 3 minutes. Laid head down, quietly laid there and put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. Like any normal night. Exaggerate much?
C: he brags to everyone how “we” sleep trained him and how great the book method is that we used. Suddenly the much touted praised books and methods are “the things you insisted that we follow.” When all is well, we take the credit. When he has an issue, finger gets pointed at me for the blame.
D: I’m not going to let a miserable person try to steal my light and joy. Even I’m married to him.
E: at this moment, I’m thinking I’m also a maybe re: that weekend sit down to share feelings, solutions, and an action plan for us. Can’t say that I have any desire to make efforts when he’s spent the whole day being an ass.

13:06 PP here (one who is mid divorce). This is familiar behavior. It's probably not going to get better. I am much happier now that I know I am not spending the rest of my life with an unhappy person who wants to steal my light and joy.

I would recommend that you and dc just live your own life-I know you aren't divorcing yet, but you can do that even in the same house. Find your joy with your dc and cut him out of the equation. You may find yourself happy 'on your own' so to speak and that can guide your decision making process.

I'm not saying you 'should' divorce OP. I'm just saying I've been in your shoes and sharing my experiences.

Op here. We have been living completely separate independent lives over the last 2 days. He wrote me a long text today that he’s been deeply unhappy in our marriage since day 1, he feels perpetually lonely and alone, and that he’s the only one who approaches this as a partnership or team. All the things he needs to be happy in a relationship are “undermined by toxic selfishness and bs”

Can we please recall the events of the past 24 hours? He brought up an issue, mainly communication . I proposed a time place and plan to sit down and talk. His response: “maybe. I don’t have anything to talk about until you put more effort into responding.”
And he hasn’t looked at or spoken to me since then.

And I’m the one not being a partner or teammate? I’m the one undermining with toxic selfishness and bs?

Divorcing PP here. I'm sorry OP. He's not willing to fix anything. You can't fix him either. You could bend yourself into a pretzel for him and he still won't be happy. He sounds like a martyr.

This is your out. He's done. You guys could probably calmly discuss next steps (maybe not today, but soon) and it doesn't have to be a huge fight. Just focus on doing what's best for dc and fair financially to you both. STBX dh and I are actually much more civil, now that there is no pressure on him to be a decent husband! It doesn't have to be scorched earth OP, amicable divorce is possible.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I think he’s completely gas lighting me. Everything is somehow my fault, and he appears to take no responsibility or part of it. Examples:

-he was supposed to make a particular financial transaction in 2021. I did my part, he never did his. I didn’t realize till after jan 1 that he never followed thru. When I asked him/called him out on it, he got defensive. He turned it on me, and said “the fact you didn’t bring this up till now shows your inability to communicate. You didn’t bring this up till now, how are we supposed to plan for the future?” UMM he was the one who didn’t do his part. He messed up. But it’s my fault for not communicating?
-we were looking into home purchase last year. Fell in love with a house but it really was over budget. I am legitimately laughing at what he wrote to me in his list of complaints grievances. “I’d appreciate it if you read some finance or investing books. Can’t say you want to live a certain lifestyle then refuse to put thought or effort into making it possible like it’s solely on me.“ My friends, I have been the breadwinner for the last 5 years since he was FIRED and subsequently un/underemployed. In 2021 I made 40k more than him. 2020 I made 65k more. 2019 i made 80k more.

I have been the only stable reliable source of income for the last 5 years. Health insurance. Retirement.
And he has the nerve to say I refuse to put thought and effort into how to live a certain “kind of lifestyle.”

What planet is he on?

[Anonymous]

OP - I’m in a similar situation but with different details. I’m sure I’m partly to blame, but my husband is basically a jerk to me in private as default, but a great guy outside the house. I’m still in a should I stay or should I go point. I was about to work that out with a therapist, then COVID hit and it’s just too much.

But I’ve realized I HAVE to let go of “being right.” He’s never going to acknowledge that he’s a jerk, so I just need to let that go.

So my recommendation is to see a therapist alone to talk this thru, then if they recommend it, see a marriage counselor if you think that would help. If not, see a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I’m in a similar situation but with different details. I’m sure I’m partly to blame, but my husband is basically a jerk to me in private as default, but a great guy outside the house. I’m still in a should I stay or should I go point. I was about to work that out with a therapist, then COVID hit and it’s just too much.

But I’ve realized I HAVE to let go of “being right.” He’s never going to acknowledge that he’s a jerk, so I just need to let that go.

So my recommendation is to see a therapist alone to talk this thru, then if they recommend it, see a marriage counselor if you think that would help. If not, see a divorce attorney.

I hear you, but how do you just allow someone to speak to you in this way or literally present a complete false reality?
I’m insulted and blazing mad that he is framing things where HE is 100% at fault, as my fault.
He didn’t follow thru on the deposit he was supposed to make. He’s framing it as “because you failed to communicate or have a long term convo on financial planning.” Dude. No. We had the convo. I was to do x and you were to do y. You didn’t do your part.

Now he’s framing the reason we aren’t “living a certain lifestyle” is because I haven’t read investing books and The only one putting thought or effort into making it possible is him? Am I living in the twilight zone? I’ve been the breadwinner for 5 years and had the only stable job income and benefits. He’s been freaking freelancing for 4 of the last 5 years. I have carried this family. And I will NOT be gas lighted, manipulated, and blamed by a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Divorcing PP again. OP, it's like they live on another planet, isn't it? I know the feeling!

At this point-it doesn't matter. You need to do what is best for you and dc. Make plans, get an atty consult, make copies of financials, important documents, ect, make sure you know all passwords and accounts.

It doesn't matter what stupid crap he says. What matters is a better future for you and dc.

Ex: " It's YOUR fault that I didn't make the deposit I was supposed to!" "Ok. How do you want to share custody?"

Ex: "We aren't living the lifestyle because You didn't read books!!!" "Ok, are there any particular furnishings that you want to keep?"

What I'm saying is-don't engage the crazy. Focus on what you need to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Divorcing PP again-with the situation with your job and his underemployment-you need to get legal advice on how to proceed to protect yourself. I'd lay low this weekend, then start making contacts on Monday. Make sure you have online access to all accounts though, keep an eye on those this weekend.