Do you have an ex living rent free in your head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Yes. She was from before we were married, but she bothers me intensely. I’m not sure if I can ever get over thinking of her with my spouse. It kind of still makes e sick to even think about that situation.

[Anonymous]

Yes, for almost 32 years. We met 32 years ago on New Year’s Day, so this time of year is always very painful. He was the one true love of my life and I’d had several boyfriends before and several since so there is no question on that score. Our breakup was incredibly painful and involved an unplanned pregnancy and termination that neither of us wanted - my narcissistic mother interfered and at that time in my life I had not yet figured things out nor found the strength to stand up to my NPD parents (yes I was doubly blessed). We were both heartbroken and then things fell apart - we didn’t have the maturity to work it out. He married the next girl he dated and they’ve had a nice family oriented life just like we dreamed we would have together. I struggled in the few relationships I had over the years since, never really able to love or trust again. Now 50-something, never married and childless. But I got a terrific education and had an important career! Until my health broke down when all the childhood trauma caught up with me - at the same time that I lost my fertility and my monstrous mother died.

I know he still thinks about me because a mutual friend spoke to him about me at his wife’s high school reunion a few years back; I’m sure I’m the one he thinks about in the times when he thinks what if? - but the evidence that he really was the kind of man I thought he was is in the fact that he’s never tried to contact me despite that. And I have never disrespected his marriage by trying to contact him.

Life can be very cruel in all sorts of ways - like when a girl who has endured decades of childhood trauma gets the chance to be with a wonderful man from a functional family that accepts her with open warm and loving arms and she screws up the chance to build her own loving family that she’s always wanted because her abusive mother gives her an ultimatum - get an abortion or I will not support you in your life, period. How many millions of times have I relived that conversation in my head, and fantasized about all the ways I wish I’d told her ‘good riddance’ in that moment so everything that came after could be different.

My psychiatrist recently suggested I consider ECT for the refractory depression I’ve suffered for 32 years; I told him only if you can guarantee which memories I will lose when it fries my brain. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I wish. Not to have to think all the time about him - and our child who would’ve been 32 next October.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

And they didn’t think of us once. Life is not fair.

What do you know. I think about what I did to her every day. I am in constant emotional pain and tell myself it is because of and incomparable to what I did to her. I haven’t seen him since 2013 or spoken to him since 2015 and still think of him, and her, constantly. I’ve thought about sending her a note just to tell her that it really is over and if she still thinks about me she shouldn’t. But I don’t want to bother her.

First, don’t contact her. Second, you’ve done your time. It’s time to stop beating yourself up and move on. Fact is that the husband likely would’ve cheated anyway, whether it was with you or someone else. The main culprit here is the husband, and you the accomplice have paid the price. I think you should just chalk this up as a very big mistake that you’ve atoned for and won’t repeat again.

Thanks, the other problem is that I am still in love with him. I have tried so hard for so long not to be and it never goes away.

Gurrrrl. No, just no. You haven’t talked to this guy since 2015 and you are still pining for him? Get over it. He is married, and he’s a cheater. I think you realize the error of your ways that you should not have been with a married man. This is a chance for a do-over and to live your life like this DID NOT HAPPEN. Meaning, you never knew him, you never got together with him, you never debased yourself. This guy was never yours to tangle with in the first place. So not only do you not have the right to pine for him, pining for him serves no purpose and does not help you in any way whatsoever. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Go out there and live your best life, and kick that guy’s memory to the curb. He has no place in your best life.

Yeah. She is still just as awful. She feels horrible about what she did to the wife and still lusts after her husband years later. She was part and parcel in the deceit. It’s good she recognizes her part in the tremendous pain she played a part in, but her post doesn’t exactly scream remorse while she’s still listing after the woman’s husband and not choosing to move on years later while they have reconciled.

I don’t think it’s jut as awful to refrain from contacting or responding to someone I deeply loved and am not over, and who reached out to me for years afterwards, who I did not allow myself to be with again for the sole reason that he is married. Wanting and doing are two different things. I choose to move on every day and yet every day I am starting from square one. It is a Sisyphean task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

And they didn’t think of us once. Life is not fair.

What do you know. I think about what I did to her every day. I am in constant emotional pain and tell myself it is because of and incomparable to what I did to her. I haven’t seen him since 2013 or spoken to him since 2015 and still think of him, and her, constantly. I’ve thought about sending her a note just to tell her that it really is over and if she still thinks about me she shouldn’t. But I don’t want to bother her.

100% not comparable to the depth of what she goes through the rest of her life.

I am pretty sure he was ambivalent about her all along before he met me. They married late and broke up for years before that. But I am certain she loves and has forgiven him. He is very loveable and he has built them a great life; not without suffering but still worth choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

And they didn’t think of us once. Life is not fair.

What do you know. I think about what I did to her every day. I am in constant emotional pain and tell myself it is because of and incomparable to what I did to her. I haven’t seen him since 2013 or spoken to him since 2015 and still think of him, and her, constantly. I’ve thought about sending her a note just to tell her that it really is over and if she still thinks about me she shouldn’t. But I don’t want to bother her.

First, don’t contact her. Second, you’ve done your time. It’s time to stop beating yourself up and move on. Fact is that the husband likely would’ve cheated anyway, whether it was with you or someone else. The main culprit here is the husband, and you the accomplice have paid the price. I think you should just chalk this up as a very big mistake that you’ve atoned for and won’t repeat again.

Thanks, the other problem is that I am still in love with him. I have tried so hard for so long not to be and it never goes away.

It's okay. True love like that, it never goes away. But you can find someone else you feel the same way about.

True love that was one-sided. The problem is she keeps building it up in her head and romanticizing it. He made a choice and it wasn’t her. The sooner she faces that, the sooner she can stop living in fantasy world of 7 years ago.

I do face it. It is deeply embarrassing bc I know all this and yet it has a life of its own, and does not die.

[Anonymous]

^to clarify, I mean the choice he made that wasn’t me. I don’t romanticize it at all. He is a deeply flawed person who has behaved brutally and atrociously at times to both his wife and me, and whose selfishness helped ruin my life and prospects at a critical time, as a result of which I will never have the only life I ever wanted. It does not help that he has since shaped his own life into exactly what I wanted. But that oddly was not the reason I loved him. It’s more the evidence of how aligned we were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

"Time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
...you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you"

I’m the PP of the ex-wife, 14 yrs in my head and every time I hear “Silver Springs”, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Crushes me to listen to the song and in a messed up way, therapeutic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^to clarify, I mean the choice he made that wasn’t me. I don’t romanticize it at all. He is a deeply flawed person who has behaved brutally and atrociously at times to both his wife and me, and whose selfishness helped ruin my life and prospects at a critical time, as a result of which I will never have the only life I ever wanted. It does not help that he has since shaped his own life into exactly what I wanted. But that oddly was not the reason I loved him. It’s more the evidence of how aligned we were.

Maybe it’s time for therapy.

[Anonymous]

People who are ruminating: just stop. Let this be your New Year’s resolution. No more living in the past. Who cares about what this guy or that woman did if it’s in the past? Your life is right in front of you, don’t you know. You have family and friends who love you. You have your health. Maybe you have a great job or a precious pet. Or you have community involvement or passions that are important to you. Bad stuff happens, but in life generally more good stuff happens than bad. Count your blessings and make a point to be engaged and truly present in 2022 (not 2015, or 2007 or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

"Time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
...you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you"

I’m the PP of the ex-wife, 14 yrs in my head and every time I hear “Silver Springs”, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Crushes me to listen to the song and in a messed up way, therapeutic.

“Landslide” does that to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

"Time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
...you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you"

I’m the PP of the ex-wife, 14 yrs in my head and every time I hear “Silver Springs”, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Crushes me to listen to the song and in a messed up way, therapeutic.

“Landslide” does that to me.

Another song that does it to me. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

I have someone. We met when we were 15/16 in a candy shop. I walked in and felt a lightening strike immediately. He came over and introduced himself, we ended up going for a walk that lasted 4 hours. He asked me if I felt like I just met someone that I've been missing and didn't know it.

We had the most beautiful connection until we were 22ish. We went on different trajectories. I graduated college and began my career. He designs stages and traveled with various touring artists. I craved roots, he craved wings. I met DH and we dated for 7 years before getting engaged. I hadn't seen candy shop boy in 5 years by that point. The night DH and I got engaged, we were on a trip in Chicago. We walked into a random dive bar for a celebratory drink. I was sitting at the bar facing the bartender when all of a sudden I felt like the air was sucked out of the room. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know if I was having a panic attack, if the reality of being engaged was hitting, or what but as I scanned the room for the bathroom, there was candy shop boy walking through the door. We stared at each other before hugging. I introduced him as an old friend to DH. We caught up for about 30 mins. I told him we had just gotten engaged and I never, ever forgot the look in his eyes. I will never understand why the universe threw him at me that night.

12 years later and I've run into him only once at a funeral. Same feeling, air was sucked out of the room so I knew he was there. He's still single and traveling with bands. He got a DUI a few years back. DH and I have a solid, happy, loving, easy marriage, but I think candy shop boy was my once in a lifetime emotional connection.

To the PPS that have a song that does them in, candy shop boy is an exceptional guitar player. He used to always play and sing Matchbox 20s version of Time After Time to me. Sometimes I listen to it on YouTube when I'm feeling nostalgic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

"Time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
...you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you"

I’m the PP of the ex-wife, 14 yrs in my head and every time I hear “Silver Springs”, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Crushes me to listen to the song and in a messed up way, therapeutic.

North Bethesda/Rockville for me, basically anytime I see a Maryland plate or cross the American Legion bridge.

My kids have no idea the reason for my disdain of that state or “only whore live in Maryland”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex-OW is still living in my head. She won’t leave.

Ditto… 14 years. I’ve seen her twice in 14 years. First time was brutally painful. Second time was much easier.

And they didn’t think of us once. Life is not fair.

What do you know. I think about what I did to her every day. I am in constant emotional pain and tell myself it is because of and incomparable to what I did to her. I haven’t seen him since 2013 or spoken to him since 2015 and still think of him, and her, constantly. I’ve thought about sending her a note just to tell her that it really is over and if she still thinks about me she shouldn’t. But I don’t want to bother her.

First, don’t contact her. Second, you’ve done your time. It’s time to stop beating yourself up and move on. Fact is that the husband likely would’ve cheated anyway, whether it was with you or someone else. The main culprit here is the husband, and you the accomplice have paid the price. I think you should just chalk this up as a very big mistake that you’ve atoned for and won’t repeat again.

Thanks, the other problem is that I am still in love with him. I have tried so hard for so long not to be and it never goes away.

It's okay. True love like that, it never goes away. But you can find someone else you feel the same way about.

True love that was one-sided. The problem is she keeps building it up in her head and romanticizing it. He made a choice and it wasn’t her. The sooner she faces that, the sooner she can stop living in fantasy world of 7 years ago.

Women who engage in affairs are like that. They will never give up the fantasy version they believe in their head, even when dumped rather cruelly. I’m dealing it with my friend now. She’s married and was cruelly dumped by her married AP and she’s built this whole distorted version of what it was and what it meant. I was there through all of it. She was a booty call. She always knew he loved his wife and wasn’t going to leave, but she thought she could change his mind.

Now, of course, she forgets the awful things
he said to her and the way he treated her at the end. I’m done listening to her. She will never be happy. And she also treats her own husband like crap.

Does her husband know about the affair?

No. Though he’s an idiot because it was staring him in the face, so obvious. He chooses to buy her crap that it wasn’t sex and only 1 time. They were together 3 years and he wasn’t even her first affair.

Ouch. He likely knows all about her at this point, but chooses not to face it.

[Anonymous]

For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.