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[quote=Anonymous]Yes, for almost 32 years. We met 32 years ago on New Year’s Day, so this time of year is always very painful. He was the one true love of my life and I’d had several boyfriends before and several since so there is no question on that score. Our breakup was incredibly painful and involved an unplanned pregnancy and termination that neither of us wanted - my narcissistic mother interfered and at that time in my life I had not yet figured things out nor found the strength to stand up to my NPD parents (yes I was doubly blessed). We were both heartbroken and then things fell apart - we didn’t have the maturity to work it out. He married the next girl he dated and they’ve had a nice family oriented life just like we dreamed we would have together. I struggled in the few relationships I had over the years since, never really able to love or trust again. Now 50-something, never married and childless. But I got a terrific education and had an important career! Until my health broke down when all the childhood trauma caught up with me - at the same time that I lost my fertility and my monstrous mother died.

I know he still thinks about me because a mutual friend spoke to him about me at his wife’s high school reunion a few years back; I’m sure I’m the one he thinks about in the times when he thinks what if? - but the evidence that he really was the kind of man I thought he was is in the fact that he’s never tried to contact me despite that. And I have never disrespected his marriage by trying to contact him.

Life can be very cruel in all sorts of ways - like when a girl who has endured decades of childhood trauma gets the chance to be with a wonderful man from a functional family that accepts her with open warm and loving arms and she screws up the chance to build her own loving family that she’s always wanted because her abusive mother gives her an ultimatum - get an abortion or I will not support you in your life, period. How many millions of times have I relived that conversation in my head, and fantasized about all the ways I wish I’d told her ‘good riddance’ in that moment so everything that came after could be different.

My psychiatrist recently suggested I consider ECT for the refractory depression I’ve suffered for 32 years; I told him only if you can guarantee which memories I will lose when it fries my brain. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I wish. Not to have to think all the time about him - and our child who would’ve been 32 next October.[/quote]

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