Do you have an ex living rent free in your head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

And by other people you mean the man they stay married to? The misogyny here is beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

And by other people you mean the man they stay married to? The misogyny here is beyond belief.

No. Not a great many divorce. They both live there. Don’t be an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

And by other people you mean the man they stay married to? The misogyny here is beyond belief.

+1. Even though spouse was the one to break it off and begged for reconciliation. I couldn’t get either of them out of my head for a long time. I found them pathetic and repulsive that they both did this while in marriages w/kids, sneaking around like trash and lying like common thieves.
No. Not a great many divorce. They both live there. Don’t be an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

And by other people you mean the man they stay married to? The misogyny here is beyond belief.

No. Not a great many divorce. They both live there. Don’t be an idiot.

+1. Even though spouse was the one to break it off and begged for reconciliation. I couldn’t get either of them out of my head for a long time. I found them pathetic and repulsive that they both did this while in marriages w/kids, sneaking around like trash and lying like common thieves.

They both ended up in awful places when all was said and done. Not worth it, for someone that dropped like trash on discovery. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

^^pp that’s what helped me evict them: time and the realization at how disgusting/pathetic they were/are. I would never do what they did to an enemy, let alone a spouse. I can’t lie. And the extent they did was just unreal.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I have two old flames from high school 20 years ago who make appearances in my dreams (and subsequent thoughts the next day) on occasion. Haven't talked to either in years so I'm not sure what more I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DH’s AP is still there, why? He chose you. Why do you think about her at all? She was discarded.

It’s a trauma response. Re-experiencing—in which they suddenly and vividly re-live the traumatic event (discovery) in a repetitive manner. They have mental images/mind movies and ruminate over every past event to see if it was “real”. Re-experiencing can enter dreams or come on suddenly in waking images or sensations of physical and emotional pain. It’s very common to overestimate how much control they had and blame themselves. People with solid social lives and interests may suddenly lose interest in their favorite hobbies, activities, and friends that they used to be very passionate about. Anxiety and depression result.

It takes a lot of therapy to evict that from their minds/life. No matter how pathetic you may find the person and how disgusted you are by the way they live their life, it takes time to move on and realize living well and being happy is the best revenge. You can go forward knowing you don’t treat yourself or other people as horribly as this person does.

And by other people you mean the man they stay married to? The misogyny here is beyond belief.

And married women don’t cheat. When a man says this, it’s misogyny too ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^pp that’s what helped me evict them: time and the realization at how disgusting/pathetic they were/are. I would never do what they did to an enemy, let alone a spouse. I can’t lie. And the extent they did was just unreal.

Frankly, I laugh if “it” ever pops in my head. I think how desperate and pathetic you are to be 50 years old and sucking off men you met on the Internet in the guest room of the family home. It doesn’t get much lower than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, for almost 32 years. We met 32 years ago on New Year’s Day, so this time of year is always very painful. He was the one true love of my life and I’d had several boyfriends before and several since so there is no question on that score. Our breakup was incredibly painful and involved an unplanned pregnancy and termination that neither of us wanted - my narcissistic mother interfered and at that time in my life I had not yet figured things out nor found the strength to stand up to my NPD parents (yes I was doubly blessed). We were both heartbroken and then things fell apart - we didn’t have the maturity to work it out. He married the next girl he dated and they’ve had a nice family oriented life just like we dreamed we would have together. I struggled in the few relationships I had over the years since, never really able to love or trust again. Now 50-something, never married and childless. But I got a terrific education and had an important career! Until my health broke down when all the childhood trauma caught up with me - at the same time that I lost my fertility and my monstrous mother died.

I know he still thinks about me because a mutual friend spoke to him about me at his wife’s high school reunion a few years back; I’m sure I’m the one he thinks about in the times when he thinks what if? - but the evidence that he really was the kind of man I thought he was is in the fact that he’s never tried to contact me despite that. And I have never disrespected his marriage by trying to contact him.

Life can be very cruel in all sorts of ways - like when a girl who has endured decades of childhood trauma gets the chance to be with a wonderful man from a functional family that accepts her with open warm and loving arms and she screws up the chance to build her own loving family that she’s always wanted because her abusive mother gives her an ultimatum - get an abortion or I will not support you in your life, period. How many millions of times have I relived that conversation in my head, and fantasized about all the ways I wish I’d told her ‘good riddance’ in that moment so everything that came after could be different.

My psychiatrist recently suggested I consider ECT for the refractory depression I’ve suffered for 32 years; I told him only if you can guarantee which memories I will lose when it fries my brain. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, I wish. Not to have to think all the time about him - and our child who would’ve been 32 next October.

How long did you date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are ruminating: just stop. Let this be your New Year’s resolution. No more living in the past. Who cares about what this guy or that woman did if it’s in the past? Your life is right in front of you, don’t you know. You have family and friends who love you. You have your health. Maybe you have a great job or a precious pet. Or you have community involvement or passions that are important to you. Bad stuff happens, but in life generally more good stuff happens than bad. Count your blessings and make a point to be engaged and truly present in 2022 (not 2015, or 2007 or whatever).

You probably should've avoided this post. It's about exes. An ex = the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^pp that’s what helped me evict them: time and the realization at how disgusting/pathetic they were/are. I would never do what they did to an enemy, let alone a spouse. I can’t lie. And the extent they did was just unreal.

Frankly, I laugh if “it” ever pops in my head. I think how desperate and pathetic you are to be 50 years old and sucking off men you met on the Internet in the guest room of the family home. It doesn’t get much lower than that.

Wait, did that actually happen to you? How did you find out and what did you do about it? I would be super disgusted if it were my spouse, but the fact that it was in family home where kids could be exposed would be absolute deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who are ruminating: just stop. Let this be your New Year’s resolution. No more living in the past. Who cares about what this guy or that woman did if it’s in the past? Your life is right in front of you, don’t you know. You have family and friends who love you. You have your health. Maybe you have a great job or a precious pet. Or you have community involvement or passions that are important to you. Bad stuff happens, but in life generally more good stuff happens than bad. Count your blessings and make a point to be engaged and truly present in 2022 (not 2015, or 2007 or whatever).

You probably should've avoided this post. It's about exes. An ex = the past.

Sure, keep on like it’s 2015 then. See ya

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^pp that’s what helped me evict them: time and the realization at how disgusting/pathetic they were/are. I would never do what they did to an enemy, let alone a spouse. I can’t lie. And the extent they did was just unreal.

Frankly, I laugh if “it” ever pops in my head. I think how desperate and pathetic you are to be 50 years old and sucking off men you met on the Internet in the guest room of the family home. It doesn’t get much lower than that.

Wait, did that actually happen to you? How did you find out and what did you do about it? I would be super disgusted if it were my spouse, but the fact that it was in family home where kids could be exposed would be absolute deal breaker.

She carried out both affairs in our family home. One of the dude’s wives found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^pp that’s what helped me evict them: time and the realization at how disgusting/pathetic they were/are. I would never do what they did to an enemy, let alone a spouse. I can’t lie. And the extent they did was just unreal.

Frankly, I laugh if “it” ever pops in my head. I think how desperate and pathetic you are to be 50 years old and sucking off men you met on the Internet in the guest room of the family home. It doesn’t get much lower than that.

Wait, did that actually happen to you? How did you find out and what did you do about it? I would be super disgusted if it were my spouse, but the fact that it was in family home where kids could be exposed would be absolute deal breaker.

She carried out both affairs in our family home. One of the dude’s wives found out.

She was kind enough to use the guest bedroom and not the marital bed lol! But, I bet that was more about worrying about stray pubes or noticeable stains than out of respect. I don’t know how anyone gets past that without selling the house.