Want to Ask DH to Leave USAF Reserve on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

So, you would ask him to quit? It maybe should just dial it back. My mother learned earth in that everything doesn’t need to be perfect and she was much happier and has a lifelong happy marriage and helped my father raise healthy, well adjusted kids. The key to happiness in life is to be grateful fue what yiu have and not constantly wanting the next “best” thing.

So in your world women should just settle for crumbs and be doormats. Says a lot about you.

Sadly , she is a mother and teaching her children this acceptable behavior so her son will grow up thinking he is entitled to be a boor with no duty to his family or household and her daughter will think this is just the way it is and she better accept it. Sad to be that effed up in the head.

If you are responding to "I am early 40s..." I divorced my ex. I have daughters. I will not encourage them to marry. But if they do, I will expect they put their needs first and if they end up with a bum, leave him. It's not worth it to put up with this traditional BS, which I did for far too long (and worked earning 6 figures the entire time). However, OP married a pilot. She knew who she married. She should not expect him to give that up for kids she wants to have. It makes no sense. Many people have much more demanding professions and don't expect their spouses to quit. She sounds like she is not prepared to have kids at all if kids in theory make her want to ask her husband to quit the reserves (my ex was in the reserves...had nothing to do with our marriage at all...work around it. That is is not a big deal.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a pilot is who he is. Get used to it.

Besides the joy and skill of flying, Reserves are a prestigious, fun and lucrative gig. Many current and former AF pilots would love such a side position.

Please get a network of sitters, drivers, and Nannies for when he’s called up. He should help and he should frontload the help for when he must leave or spend a day practicing. His pay and benefits should more than cover it. Do the math.

Prestigious? How is military anything prestigious?

It is not fun, prestigious or lucrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

Agree. Even seen this with my divorced coworkers. They never tried to be there for their kids after school, at games, summer or even when physically vacations (they’d work and email a lot). Then they had to do 50/50 and half gave up and went to 80-90% and the other half finally started being a coparent.
The ones with older kids or teens didn’t do much tho, unclear why someone said they are more involved after elementary school, they didn’t change.

You married bums. All there is to it.

\

No, you got lucky. Most women do the lionshare of parenting...even when they work full time. There are literally hundreds of articles currently about this. The fact that you don't understand this means you got lucky and you are an anomaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

So, you would ask him to quit? It maybe should just dial it back. My mother learned earth in that everything doesn’t need to be perfect and she was much happier and has a lifelong happy marriage and helped my father raise healthy, well adjusted kids. The key to happiness in life is to be grateful fue what yiu have and not constantly wanting the next “best” thing.

I am the "early 40s poster"; no, I would ask him to quit. You are not getting it. OP is selfish. She should not expect that he--or any man--will do 50/50 of raising kids because most married men just won't. If she is not prepared to be a primary caretaker of kids (or any woman for that matter), she should not have kids. Her husband in the reserves is not a problem. Her unreasonable expectations are the problem.

I would NOT ask him to quit. Correcting my typo above. She should accept this or not have kids with him or understand she will have to work around reserve schedule with kids, which is truly NOT a big deal. I did it.

[Anonymous]

My husband does easily 50% and was a Navy pilot, reserves and now retired. That being said our neighbors just got divorced and dad is suddenly super involved dad…. Because he has to be.

OP tell him how you feel. It’s better he moves on to someone that can support him and you find someone that can always be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a pilot is who he is. Get used to it.

Besides the joy and skill of flying, Reserves are a prestigious, fun and lucrative gig. Many current and former AF pilots would love such a side position.

Please get a network of sitters, drivers, and Nannies for when he’s called up. He should help and he should frontload the help for when he must leave or spend a day practicing. His pay and benefits should more than cover it. Do the math.

Prestigious? How is military anything prestigious?

It is not fun, prestigious or lucrative.

Being a military pilot is fun and prestigious. Lucrative is a matter of opinion, but it pays more than what most people do with their weekends, which is sitting around poking at their phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

Agree. Even seen this with my divorced coworkers. They never tried to be there for their kids after school, at games, summer or even when physically vacations (they’d work and email a lot). Then they had to do 50/50 and half gave up and went to 80-90% and the other half finally started being a coparent.
The ones with older kids or teens didn’t do much tho, unclear why someone said they are more involved after elementary school, they didn’t change.

You married bums. All there is to it.

\

No, you got lucky. Most women do the lion share of parenting...even when they work full time. There are literally hundreds of articles currently about this. The fact that you don't understand this means you got lucky and you are an anomaly.

I'm sure you have to tell yourself that to cope with the fact that you made a bad choice. You made a terrible choice and are doubling down and telling other women that they just have to accept this as fact.

[Anonymous]

JFC all the moaning in this thread is appalling. Literally millions of women have been married to men doing active and reserve duty, and have had kids, and they deal with it just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are getting some harsh responses but also some good advice. There are oaths you can where you can have a successful and productive career *and* your husband stays in the reserves. It will just take a lot of adult conversations about the full load and responsibilities of parenting and how to navigate in potentially a slightly non-traditional way. My DH used to travel extensively for his job while I was trying to kick my career into higher gear. We hired help, but we also had an agreement that when DH wasn’t traveling, that his first responsibility was to hold the fort down at home so that I could take my work trips, work longer hours, etc.

It can be done, but not if these choices are viewed as a zero-sum game or if you and your DH don’t have really good communication skills.

+1. You may also need to revisit conversations as the reality of kids are part of your life in regards to sick days, snow days, doctor appointments etc. My DH used to travel almost two months a year, I worked full-time with a commute, and we had no family in the area. So over time and through conversations we worked out what worked for both of us. We ended up changing daycare to one that was closer to my job than our home (which meant he needed to drive further for pickup) but that was the only way I could work full-time and handle drop offs and pickups when he traveled as well as being the point person if kids were sick and/or the delayed openings/early departure etc. He took over all medical appointments for the kids, would ask his parents to come in town and help out for part of the time when he traveled (this made a huge difference when the kids were under the age of 5), had school pickups when in town and took the second day of kids being sick or snow day etc. Job wise, I waited awhile to take on more responsibility at work until the kids were older and at some point took on a role that required less travel.

All of the above. You need to think together about how to do what you both want to do--reserves for him, your work life, kids--and you need to be realistic about what you'll need in terms of outside help and other commitments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a pilot is who he is. Get used to it.

Besides the joy and skill of flying, Reserves are a prestigious, fun and lucrative gig. Many current and former AF pilots would love such a side position.

Please get a network of sitters, drivers, and Nannies for when he’s called up. He should help and he should frontload the help for when he must leave or spend a day practicing. His pay and benefits should more than cover it. Do the math.

Prestigious? How is military anything prestigious?

It is not fun, prestigious or lucrative.

We all fly fighters so are happy to have the hours.

Reserves are optional so pls don’t do it if you don’t want to or need to. Most have long wait lists across all branches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does easily 50% and was a Navy pilot, reserves and now retired. That being said our neighbors just got divorced and dad is suddenly super involved dad…. Because he has to be.

OP tell him how you feel. It’s better he moves on to someone that can support him and you find someone that can always be around.

Suddenly super involved? What was his level of involvement before the separation or divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. My ex h is in his 22nd year of reserves. I was the primary parent (still am). He was not going to do anything with kids when little especially. It had hardly any impact. I have always worked full time. There are 2 kids.

You are being silly: it is not like being a surgeon on call all the time. Many women do the bulk of parenting. If you expect otherwise, you should not have kids…it will be too much for you.

This is such terrible awful advice. I don't think OP should try to talk her H out of being out of the reserves, but to act like men are just lazy half-assed parents like you ex across the board and women should just accept this is just wrong.

+1 for my generation men are expected to contribute 50% and most do. This isn’t 1950s anymore. Maybe increase your expectations?

I am early 40s. Most women my age, and my cousins 8 years younger have the same experience. Men did nothing until elementary school. I solved my problem by getting a divorce. My youngest is 7. Divorce is what made him lift a finger. My friends who expected men to actually do half the work are miserable in their marriages. Some men will do 50/50 with kids and the house, but most will not and that is reality.

Agree. Even seen this with my divorced coworkers. They never tried to be there for their kids after school, at games, summer or even when physically vacations (they’d work and email a lot). Then they had to do 50/50 and half gave up and went to 80-90% and the other half finally started being a coparent.
The ones with older kids or teens didn’t do much tho, unclear why someone said they are more involved after elementary school, they didn’t change.

You married bums. All there is to it.

\

No, you got lucky. Most women do the lion share of parenting...even when they work full time. There are literally hundreds of articles currently about this. The fact that you don't understand this means you got lucky and you are an anomaly.

I'm sure you have to tell yourself that to cope with the fact that you made a bad choice. You made a terrible choice and are doubling down and telling other women that they just have to accept this as fact.

Wrong. Get out of your bubble. Well documented that women do the lion share parenting compared to men. Maybe you’re a literate because you could literally read this all day long online and documented articles from well-regarded publications. and newsflash no one truly knows how anybody is going to be a parent until they become a parent. Is absolutely not something you can predict but most women should be prepared to do most of the work because that’s usually how it ends up. This is not a one persons anecdotal story this is literally been proven ad nauseam for decades, including today, right now.

[Anonymous]

Above “illiterate”— i’m using voice recognition on my phone and not actually typing at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a pilot is who he is. Get used to it.

Besides the joy and skill of flying, Reserves are a prestigious, fun and lucrative gig. Many current and former AF pilots would love such a side position.

Please get a network of sitters, drivers, and Nannies for when he’s called up. He should help and he should frontload the help for when he must leave or spend a day practicing. His pay and benefits should more than cover it. Do the math.

Prestigious? How is military anything prestigious?

It is not fun, prestigious or lucrative.

Being a military pilot is fun and prestigious. Lucrative is a matter of opinion, but it pays more than what most people do with their weekends, which is sitting around poking at their phones.

Hahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:JFC all the moaning in this thread is appalling. Literally millions of women have been married to men doing active and reserve duty, and have had kids, and they deal with it just fine.

My mother dealt with it and she was happily married for 48 years.