How did you cope with in laws when marriage in trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skills aptitude test not solitude test. But I bet you’d like some solitude sometimes!

Lol
Honestly if I could outsource helping dh get through this situation fully to another person I think I would spend all my spare cash on it. Is this an adhd coach or what is this service? Surely could be used for many spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be aware but since you are acting like everything is normal they follow in your lead or they may be clueless on what's happening especially if your dh doesn't tell them.

From a mil perspective when my dd and her partner were having issues we didn't get involved until we had to and sat down and talked to both of them. We tried to go on like usually especially with our sil since he didn't like to open up to us about the issues until we mentioned it.

If you don't want to pretend then don't and just be polite to your inlaws and mention that at this moment you and dh are not in a good place and you need some space from hosting them. Just keep in mind that it's not there fault and they are trying to probably keep the peace and stability between you and them.

This is good advice. Spouse and I have had marital difficulties on and off through the years and during those periods I find it extremely stressful to interact as a couple/family with most anyone, not just in laws. For example, attending a holiday dinner at my sibling’s house. It is very hard to act like everything is “normal” but on the other hand I don’t think it is appropriate to bring others into one’s internal couple dynamic. I am sorry, Op. I would avoid seeing the ILs as much as possible during this tough time. I also second the advice you have gotten for you and spouse to see a therapist because the issue is the state of your marriage, not your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

They did not - his mom was a teacher but she is a total ostrich. She ignores huge issues generally. Dh has a truly wonderful personality and means well and it was only after we were married I noticed egregious financial abdication/ forgetfulness and asked him to get therapy where he was immediately dx and put on meds. He has now been on meds for years and has a new psychiatrist who says these are the right meds and a therapist. But the parents never dealt. I think I resent their hiding most of all. They don’t deal with anything whereas I feel like I had to do it for them. But that is totally my fault I suppose which also sucks as a realization

Not to jump in defense of your mother in law, I think a lot of this is generational (assuming your ILs ages are near my parents’, which is early-mid 70s). I don’t ever remember kids being diagnosed with adhd when I was growing up - but you better believe they and their parents were blamed for them “Misbehaving.” Also the reluctance to discuss psychological problems, which is what this is, was much more common, or put another way, it is only in the past 20ish years that people started more openly discuss mental health. People had much more of a mentality of: suck it up and deal, and don’t discuss dirty laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it doesn’t really come up. I feel like I would have to bring it up for it to be acknowledged. I guess they are sort of expecting life to go on as usual (they come stay/ we act like everything is fine). But I find it so stressful

So they don't know but you expect them to read your mind?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may be aware but since you are acting like everything is normal they follow in your lead or they may be clueless on what's happening especially if your dh doesn't tell them.

From a mil perspective when my dd and her partner were having issues we didn't get involved until we had to and sat down and talked to both of them. We tried to go on like usually especially with our sil since he didn't like to open up to us about the issues until we mentioned it.

If you don't want to pretend then don't and just be polite to your inlaws and mention that at this moment you and dh are not in a good place and you need some space from hosting them. Just keep in mind that it's not there fault and they are trying to probably keep the peace and stability between you and them.

This is good advice. Spouse and I have had marital difficulties on and off through the years and during those periods I find it extremely stressful to interact as a couple/family with most anyone, not just in laws. For example, attending a holiday dinner at my sibling’s house. It is very hard to act like everything is “normal” but on the other hand I don’t think it is appropriate to bring others into one’s internal couple dynamic. I am sorry, Op. I would avoid seeing the ILs as much as possible during this tough time. I also second the advice you have gotten for you and spouse to see a therapist because the issue is the state of your marriage, not your ILs.

Same here, in fact my Husband would love it when his parents flew over 6 hours and stayed 3 weeks because he’d automatically think that would mean two things: 1) we never needed to talk about anything since there were guests in the house, and 2) he could work more and longer since there was more “help” in the house. Bunch of weirdos. miL would make everyone wait until 7 or 8pm for sonny boy to get home. When the kids were little I told her forget it and ate with the two of them at 6pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really not their concern that your husband lost his job. Are you looking for some type of support from them? Speak up about the visits, just say it's been a tough year and it's hard to entertain when you guys are so stressed. Ask them to babysit.

mm
I guess I would prefer that either they verbally acknowledged it in some way - or that I don’t have to really entertain them for the time being. I can’t quite explain why but having to host them and not talk about the situation and pretend like everything is fine gives me crippling anxiety. I know that may be my issue which is why I’m curious if others have experienced similar

You don’t “have to” entertain them all the time, nitwit. And the only person who can change that IS YOU.

Oh the nitwit poster! You are the only one who uses that word here, grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really not their concern that your husband lost his job. Are you looking for some type of support from them? Speak up about the visits, just say it's been a tough year and it's hard to entertain when you guys are so stressed. Ask them to babysit.

mm
I guess I would prefer that either they verbally acknowledged it in some way - or that I don’t have to really entertain them for the time being. I can’t quite explain why but having to host them and not talk about the situation and pretend like everything is fine gives me crippling anxiety. I know that may be my issue which is why I’m curious if others have experienced similar

Gurllllllll, your issue is with your man not his momma and daddy.
If you are stressed over this then talk to your husband, a couple’s l therapist YOUR mom or a good friend. Otherwise, you essentially sound like you want to tell on him. Seriously, What do you expect them to do, make him be more responsible? He is grown, he’s going to do what he is going to do.
It’s one thing to say you s are having a stressful time but what are your exact expectations?
And And why do you call it pretending when you have people over and not subjecting them to the intimate details of your marital problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

I see what the issue is. Your husband is a grown ass man you’re a grown ass woman his mother cannot make him not have ADHD or any other issues, suck it up and deal with your husband about the problems you have in your household somebody else can’t make it magically be better.
I empathize with your stress and the difficulty of your situation but his parents are not the answer to your problem.
And hug you don’t feel like having guests, Which is perfectly reasonable, tell your husband it’s not a good time.

[Anonymous]

He’ll be like one of those guys who are so “shocked” that they were divorced and they just “can’t figure out how or why that happened!”

And his mom will nod away in agreement.

[Anonymous]

If a marriage is in the rocks most therapists would say stop the group dates, houseguests, trips with other families.
Faking it is unhealthy for the hurt spouse and gives false hope to the clueless spouse, or both. Either both spouses work in the marriage or pull the plug.