How did you cope with in laws when marriage in trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

[Anonymous]

Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

[Anonymous]

It’s a great job market.
Tell him to get in meds. Or up his dose and get a new job ASAP.
Tell him to ask his parents for a small monetary gift until he gets back on his feet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

[Anonymous]

Sorry I mean add pressure to him to step his game up, and not add pressure to me to do xyz extra thing for their neighbors kids school project or whatever

[Anonymous]

They may be aware but since you are acting like everything is normal they follow in your lead or they may be clueless on what's happening especially if your dh doesn't tell them.

From a mil perspective when my dd and her partner were having issues we didn't get involved until we had to and sat down and talked to both of them. We tried to go on like usually especially with our sil since he didn't like to open up to us about the issues until we mentioned it.

If you don't want to pretend then don't and just be polite to your inlaws and mention that at this moment you and dh are not in a good place and you need some space from hosting them. Just keep in mind that it's not there fault and they are trying to probably keep the peace and stability between you and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

You should broach the subject then. “When DH was younger was there anything you could say/do to keep him productive and on track? I’m so frustrated. Do you think it’s going to get better? I’m sorry Barbara I’m so stressed about DH’s job situation I’m too overwhelmed to take you to the airport. When DH drives you can you talk to him about his job situation? I’m at wit’s end.”

Sitting around waiting for them to read your mind will continue to not work. Odds are the above won’t work either-but at least if you do this you can be sure you tried everything.

[Anonymous]

Just…don’t host. If they come over, DH can host them, or they can fend for themselves. And if they ask you if something’s wrong, tell them you’ve been working and bearing the burden, and you’re over it and overwhelmed.

But he isn’t their problem to solve. You get that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

Idk maybe they are trying to act as normal because that is a better alternative than butting in their adult son’s life. If they were pressuring him about a job, there would be a different thread and posters saying your MIL should mind her own business since he’s an adult. I think it’s good they are staying out of it. If she asks you to do things and you can’t simply tell her you are not available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

You should broach the subject then. “When DH was younger was there anything you could say/do to keep him productive and on track? I’m so frustrated. Do you think it’s going to get better? I’m sorry Barbara I’m so stressed about DH’s job situation I’m too overwhelmed to take you to the airport. When DH drives you can you talk to him about his job situation? I’m at wit’s end.”

Sitting around waiting for them to read your mind will continue to not work. Odds are the above won’t work either-but at least if you do this you can be sure you tried everything.

No. Do not confide in his mother and look for her help in your marriage difficulties. This will lead to more problems later. See an outside therapist if you want someone to talk to like this or a couples therapist. Not family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really not their concern that your husband lost his job. Are you looking for some type of support from them? Speak up about the visits, just say it's been a tough year and it's hard to entertain when you guys are so stressed. Ask them to babysit.

mm
I guess I would prefer that either they verbally acknowledged it in some way - or that I don’t have to really entertain them for the time being. I can’t quite explain why but having to host them and not talk about the situation and pretend like everything is fine gives me crippling anxiety. I know that may be my issue which is why I’m curious if others have experienced similar

You don’t “have to” entertain them all the time, nitwit. And the only person who can change that IS YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. It’s hard when they probably know something is off and you’re holding it all together. It’s gets old. And it’s weird looking at the people who raised him pretending all is fine when you’re just holding it all together. You’re not alone and your feelings are valid.

[Anonymous]

So don't host. Don't do the extra thing for the neighbors if you really can't.

But it's not their responsibility to fix issue in your marriage. You need to deal with your husband, and stop projecting onto your in laws.

[Anonymous]

I would not spend time with them at all- or at least avoid as much as possible. Not quite the same but when my husbands brother and sister in law were coming to visit and she and I in bad place I told him I didn’t want them to visit - flat out told him to tell them no. He called and said he had a personal issue that had come up and it’s not going to work or wouldn’t be a good visit.
Then when they came another time ( another rough patch in our marriage there have been many) I left on “biz” trip- I can travel when I need and I quickly planned one and left town- then another time I went to my best friends to stay. On that one, I didn’t tell my husband it was because I wasn’t happy in marriage but I just didn’t have it in me to pretend to be happy and my resentment to him made me note give a crap what they thought. I simply told him my friend needed me to help her live her son and I agreed to before I knew they were coming.
I really could not have been a good host.

Good luck but I completely feel for you. Been there done that. On resenting husband and on faking it in front of his family. Hope you can be honest though with your husband on how you feel about his continual job losses. Unless he’s in a really bad field, it may speak to his work ethic and that would be tough to swallow.

[Anonymous]

PP - I meant “when he and I weren’t in a good place”. Not “ she and I”.