How did you cope with in laws when marriage in trouble?

[Anonymous]

My marriage wasn't necessarily rocky, but dh was unemployed for several months and he went through some serious anxiety and depression. ILs worship their baby boy and visited a LOT during that time. I was in a new career and working at 150% every single day at work just to learn the ropes and struggled with the visits because I had to handle the bulk of the hosting. I couldn't turn them away, because dh wanted them there. In our case I knew/assumed it was temporary, which is what got me through. But they never asked how I was.

I don't think people realize how hard things like that affects everyone in the home and not just the person who is at the core of the situation. I was in a low place myself but had to stay calm and positive for dh and the kids, so I was faking it all the time. It was exhausting and scary. Most people only asked how he was doing and rarely asked how I was. It's hard to tell people that you're struggling too without making it look like you're making it all about you. Since it's an ongoing situation, I think therapy could be helpful to talk through it. It's hard, op, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be aware but since you are acting like everything is normal they follow in your lead or they may be clueless on what's happening especially if your dh doesn't tell them.

From a mil perspective when my dd and her partner were having issues we didn't get involved until we had to and sat down and talked to both of them. We tried to go on like usually especially with our sil since he didn't like to open up to us about the issues until we mentioned it.

If you don't want to pretend then don't and just be polite to your inlaws and mention that at this moment you and dh are not in a good place and you need some space from hosting them. Just keep in mind that it's not there fault and they are trying to probably keep the peace and stability between you and them.

It would be a safe bet that most non-overly enmeshed parents might have the same response. They are likely aware of troubles, but are being Switzerland in their actions and words so as not to take sides/create additional drama. A lot of people might prefer this as opposed to lots and lots of melodrama coming from the parents/in-laws. Sometimes you just have to let your adult kids and their spouses handle their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much everyone it is so so so so helpful to know that others have this same experience.
I worry about dh work ethic - not bc I think he doesn’t have the ‘ethic’ - Eg if someone said to him ‘your work day will be ten hours a day every day but you have a job’ - he’d be like ‘great. Done’ but it’s proactively layering on extra time than is asked that he struggles with I think
He is not in laws issue any more except that I have 2 ds and I think if I saw them flounder like this in mid life I would try to find ways to be a part of the solution. But perhaps that is an unrealistic expectation of my in laws/

[Anonymous]

They don't know your bills. Not their business to understand that you overstretched your budget and aren't willing to compromise when one has job instability. That's a logical answer, not blaming the one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

He needs to manage his symptoms better if it’s causing him to lose jobs or drop the ball at home.
Time for him to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

I’m in a similar situation with an aspie and his mom kept the family secret quite well while marrying off her kids. She’s not going to help. Try the father. Or whichever one doesn’t also have adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than visiting, the in laws assume you are adults and will handle your own life. Do you want them to offer you money or do you want to curtail their visits? I get that you are stressed and aren't interested in putting on a brave face. Tell your DH you need a long break from visitors. Could he handle that. If not, you tell the in laws.

I don’t need them to offer money
I would love it if they would apply some pressure from their end, and/ or verbally acknowledge to me that there’s a clear issue and discuss it openly. Or alternatively just not add pressure Eg his mom often asks me to do favors - now isn’t really the time

I’m in a similar situation with an aspie and his mom kept the family secret quite well while marrying off her kids. She’s not going to help. Try the father. Or whichever one doesn’t also have adhd.

"Marrying off her kids"

That's hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

They did not - his mom was a teacher but she is a total ostrich. She ignores huge issues generally. Dh has a truly wonderful personality and means well and it was only after we were married I noticed egregious financial abdication/ forgetfulness and asked him to get therapy where he was immediately dx and put on meds. He has now been on meds for years and has a new psychiatrist who says these are the right meds and a therapist. But the parents never dealt. I think I resent their hiding most of all. They don’t deal with anything whereas I feel like I had to do it for them. But that is totally my fault I suppose which also sucks as a realization

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

They did not - his mom was a teacher but she is a total ostrich. She ignores huge issues generally. Dh has a truly wonderful personality and means well and it was only after we were married I noticed egregious financial abdication/ forgetfulness and asked him to get therapy where he was immediately dx and put on meds. He has now been on meds for years and has a new psychiatrist who says these are the right meds and a therapist. But the parents never dealt. I think I resent their hiding most of all. They don’t deal with anything whereas I feel like I had to do it for them. But that is totally my fault I suppose which also sucks as a realization

You post about this every other week!. Get a freaking grip! You married the guy you did you ignored the red flags your in laws didn't trick you. They don't owe you an apology or a thank you.


Time to get the hell over it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

They did not - his mom was a teacher but she is a total ostrich. She ignores huge issues generally. Dh has a truly wonderful personality and means well and it was only after we were married I noticed egregious financial abdication/ forgetfulness and asked him to get therapy where he was immediately dx and put on meds. He has now been on meds for years and has a new psychiatrist who says these are the right meds and a therapist. But the parents never dealt. I think I resent their hiding most of all. They don’t deal with anything whereas I feel like I had to do it for them. But that is totally my fault I suppose which also sucks as a realization

? I have posted about this once before but that’s it - maybe someone else has similar

You post about this every other week!. Get a freaking grip! You married the guy you did you ignored the red flags your in laws didn't trick you. They don't owe you an apology or a thank you.


Time to get the hell over it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any mental disorders, disabilities, or underlying reason why he’s “losing his jobs?”

Adhd

Did his parents get him diagnosed, treated and meds before age 18?
Hope so. But hope he’s on a regiment now..

They did not - his mom was a teacher but she is a total ostrich. She ignores huge issues generally. Dh has a truly wonderful personality and means well and it was only after we were married I noticed egregious financial abdication/ forgetfulness and asked him to get therapy where he was immediately dx and put on meds. He has now been on meds for years and has a new psychiatrist who says these are the right meds and a therapist. But the parents never dealt. I think I resent their hiding most of all. They don’t deal with anything whereas I feel like I had to do it for them. But that is totally my fault I suppose which also sucks as a realization

? I have posted about this once before but that’s it - maybe someone else has similar

You post about this every other week!. Get a freaking grip! You married the guy you did you ignored the red flags your in laws didn't trick you. They don't owe you an apology or a thank you.


Time to get the hell over it!

? I have posted about this once before but that’s it
Maybe someone else has similar

[Anonymous]

Plus masking is real with those types, dating and courting you was likely a long hyperfocus for him.

Now life has more responsibilities and he needs commensurate help. Possibly a skills solitude test or career coach experienced with adhd people. Maybe a job on his feet with some degree of repetition so things go get off track?…? Nurse? Technician? Teacher (ironic but common unf for absent minded professor types).

[Anonymous]

Skills aptitude test not solitude test. But I bet you’d like some solitude sometimes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean “be a good DIL”? Are you buying gifts for them or taking on elaborate hosting projects? If so, ONLY YOU CAN DROP THE ROPE. Tell them point blank to help themselves because you’re exhausted. Tell DH point blank you won’t be doing gifts or whatever.

THISTHISTHIS

OP, read this!

This is a DH problem. If his parents need hosting, or hand holding or whatever-it's HIS problem. Let HIM deal with HIS parents. YOU are working, trying to survive and raise your family. Those people aren't going to help you ever.