35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

You are too competitive and NEED badly to feel better than him. This and his anger is because of your mom's bad parenting. Enjoy your superiority complex of being the "good" sons. I was on your side until I read your post. Try to butt out or support him. You've known this man a quarter century and are still UNSURE if he was abandoned??? You obviously don't bother to hear his side.

NP. You sound crazy.

I think OP is a troll, but you sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids yet? Sometimes it hits you later just how messed up your childhood was once you have kids of your own.

My brother who is a few years older who actually took the bulk of the abuse, remembers little of the earlier years. I can recall more of the abuse he took.

[Anonymous]

Such a remark is incredibly hurtful.

Even if his mother abused him at some point, it's still incredibly hurtful and there are other ways of expressing one's profound sense of loss and anger. Like: "You were an abusive parent,I have PTSD from my childhood because of you and I can never trust you."

If OP says that her brother has outbursts like this, then certainly he has anger issues, and more importantly, doesn't know how to express his feelings in a mature and productive way. Since he's an adult, that's totally on him.

So regardless of whether the mother was a good parent, this person has some INDIVIDUAL THERAPY to do, on how to communicate. It's likely that he has a mental illness (ADHD, HFA, bipolar, depression in men can all present with anger issues) and he should really seek an evaluation, in case he can ease his progress with medication. Therapy alone rarely helps if there is a psychiatric disorder. Medication is much more helpful!

OP, please encourage him to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about his symptoms. You can accompany him to be the third party witness, as often patients do not realize how their actions are perceived by others. I've had to do that with my husband. The doctor will listen to you, then have a private consultation with your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

It's not abuse to reveal to your parent that you have hated them for many years. It's startling and it can be hurtful, but it's not abuse, OP. This is how people express their feelings. You sound very very uncomfortable with expression of real feelings. Like it or not, your brother is entitled to express deep negative feelings about his family. The family is not just a place for sunshine and lollipops.

Oh come on. Explosive anger, yelling/screaming etc. is textbook abusive behavior. OPs brother didn't reveal this in structured family therapy. He screamed it at an elderly woman. That's clearly abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

So what did mom say? What did she mean and how did he interpret it?

[Anonymous]

Some 70 year old are close to senile, it certainly not all. OP please acknowledge your brother’s pain. Please let him know you hear it, likely the reason he lashed out is he feels unheard. Encourage him to get counseling, your mother may not be willing to change and he shouldn’t wait for that as it may never happen. Will say his learning to set good boundaries with people who treat him less than, via going to counseling will help him. The question to OP is will she help him or as others have said gaslight his experiences ( that may well be hers but she chooses to suppress). Let me add good boundaries can encourage others to change and your mother can be held accountable and change, if she is willing, even though she is 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps, she was a crappy mom to him and was a better mom to you.

+1

I don't think so.

Again, how you feel about her as a mom and how he does is different. She may have been a much better mom to you.

Op - how much of a year spread is there between you and your older brother.

Agree she could’ve parented very differently and you can’t see it.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is he upset about OP? We can’t have any reasonable discussion without knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.

Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?

I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.

It is your opinion that she treated you all equally. My sister and I experience my mom in completely different ways. My mom is mean and passive aggressive with me. She makes no effort to reach out or engage me in any meaningful way. After my Dad died last year she called my sister immediately. She didnt call me for weeks and even then never said a word about it. Because my sister does not experience this, she dismisses my experiences. You never know what happens behind closed doors so stop projecting how you experience her onto your brother and realize he may be having a very difficult time with mom.

[Anonymous]

Situation like this happened in our family. Adult sibling had been abused as a child by a relative. Mom knew, hushed it up and swept it under the rug. Abuser still had access to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Maybe OP and the other brother are the golden children and the “angry” brother is the scapegoat.

I’ve witnessed many times a parent who was a terrible parent to one group of kids when the kids have a large distance in age. They are either better or worse with group 1 and same with group 2, so the kids can basically have had completely different experiences with the same parent.

Hard to say, OP. You and your other brother may be perpetuating abuse or you may just have an angry-for-no-reason brother. Counseling will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

OP, is the bolded you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is he upset about OP? We can’t have any reasonable discussion without knowing.

Maybe but sometime things build up over time and the damn breaks over the littles things.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your brother is the scapegoat and identified patient in a dysfunctional family. Not Ok to lose his temper, but you are jumping right into the toxicity. Just don't don't be around them together. Your mom and brother have to figure out their boundaries with eachother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Maybe OP and the other brother are the golden children and the “angry” brother is the scapegoat.

I’ve witnessed many times a parent who was a terrible parent to one group of kids when the kids have a large distance in age. They are either better or worse with group 1 and same with group 2, so the kids can basically have had completely different experiences with the same parent.

Hard to say, OP. You and your other brother may be perpetuating abuse or you may just have an angry-for-no-reason brother. Counseling will help.

Maybe? Or maybe the "angry" brother is treated with kid gloves and increasingly senile mom forgot to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering him. (I have a brother like this, he has ADHD and depression, and my parents, in the interests of treating us equally, will never ever take my side or stand up for me no matter how egregious and over the top his behavior, because they are more worried about his feelings and think I will get over it or won't turn on them the way he will. This was a painful realization and I'm glad i have my husband so I don't have to feel as alone.)

We have no indication that's the dynamic for OP either. There is nowhere near enough info. But it's interesting how everyone projects the blame onto Mom and OP; my projection is that adults are responsible for their own behavior and for choosing to hurt others, even if they have struggles, and even if they feel hurt.