35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

This..

Maybe bro should go no contact and be done with narc mommy and her flying monkey enablers.

13 is when kids start to be more independent, focused on peers and own interests = not good sources of narc supply anymore. Maybe she tried to make him her surrogate spouse when husband was ill or died and he resisted. I'm sure he has his reasons for his feelings. It is not up to you to police their relationship. This happens in plenty of dysfunctional families, at least he is honest about it.

https://adultchildren.org/

https://online.king.edu/news/dysfunctional-families

Your brother plays the "truth teller" or "scapegoat" role in your family. Which role are you, OP? Were you the "golden child?" Good to figure it out because all of you are warped in different ways and it will impact you all your life in work, friend and love relationships without insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Situation like this happened in our family. Adult sibling had been abused as a child by a relative. Mom knew, hushed it up and swept it under the rug. Abuser still had access to the child.

This is so horrible. I wish it was less common.

A friend found a lot of healing here https://siawso.org/ and here https://adultchildren.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is reminding me of this video:

This is really good, thanks for posting. Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Some mom's treat their kids very differently.

[Anonymous]

He should work it out with an individual counselor. He may have a mental disorder or he may have been mistreated in some way.

Do any of you have children yet?

That is often when good and bad memories of your childhood or patterns would pop up. Maybe dad was a jerk, and one kid mirrors that? Maybe mom was a jerk either mentally or overwhelmed with death and single parenting? Maybe there were undiagnosed learning disabilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking him to leave was the right call.

I totally agree with you OP, but this is not your relationship to manage, it’s your mother’s. If this kind of behavior continues, I would refuse to be present when the two of them are together, especially if I have children. I wouldn’t want them to see their grandmother disrespected by a grown man in this way. There are better ways to handle anger and hurt feelings than using words like that especially in front of other family members, full stop.

This is really all you can and should do.

You’re going to get exaggerated and/or defensive responses from both of them if you try something silly like mediating an argument. Plus whether you’re moms senile from old age now or mental disorders, no data points will come from her now.

My moms sister turned alcoholic to now in a home at age 65, would really lash out at my mom. My parents had to stop going over there and block the emails. My aunt would say horrid things, that made no sense. Like blame her 70 yo sister for picking in her when little and how she hates her and that’s why her life’s been messed up for years.

Yet her life wasn’t messed up, we always shared holidays and presents and events for decades. Then when the aunt fell off the rails after retirement she blamed whomever was around. Now she’s divorced and alone as well. With severe liver damage and a ward of the state.

[Anonymous]

You all were celebrating your brother's birthday.

You admit mom was rude to your brother on his birthday celebration.

Your brother calls your mother out on it.

You and the other brother rush to defend abusive mommy and make brother leave his own birthday celebration.

You are still mad at brother.

Sounds totatlly normal and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

You should read this:

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-reasons-given.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Maybe OP and the other brother are the golden children and the “angry” brother is the scapegoat.

I’ve witnessed many times a parent who was a terrible parent to one group of kids when the kids have a large distance in age. They are either better or worse with group 1 and same with group 2, so the kids can basically have had completely different experiences with the same parent.

Hard to say, OP. You and your other brother may be perpetuating abuse or you may just have an angry-for-no-reason brother. Counseling will help.

Maybe? Or maybe the "angry" brother is treated with kid gloves and increasingly senile mom forgot to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering him. (I have a brother like this, he has ADHD and depression, and my parents, in the interests of treating us equally, will never ever take my side or stand up for me no matter how egregious and over the top his behavior, because they are more worried about his feelings and think I will get over it or won't turn on them the way he will. This was a painful realization and I'm glad i have my husband so I don't have to feel as alone.)

We have no indication that's the dynamic for OP either. There is nowhere near enough info. But it's interesting how everyone projects the blame onto Mom and OP; my projection is that adults are responsible for their own behavior and for choosing to hurt others, even if they have struggles, and even if they feel hurt.

The lack of details is why I’m skeptical of OP.

[Anonymous]

The "his mom" and "my mom" and never "our mom" makes this all hard to read and take seriously. Something is off here like OP is trying to describe a situation not their own and not getting the language quite right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "his mom" and "my mom" and never "our mom" makes this all hard to read and take seriously. Something is off here like OP is trying to describe a situation not their own and not getting the language quite right.

+1.

I think OP is the mom, not the sibling.

OP, if you are actually the sibling, mind your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

Just feel like there is not enough info here to give good feedback.

Your dad passed when you were teens right?

Why did older brother react more angrily? Is he diagnosed with anxiety/ depression/ LD for which he did not get help 20 years ago?

Was older brother required to take on more adult duties than he was ready for at that age?

Do mother and older brother just have incompatible personalities?

Why do think he overreacted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "his mom" and "my mom" and never "our mom" makes this all hard to read and take seriously. Something is off here like OP is trying to describe a situation not their own and not getting the language quite right.

+1.

I think OP is the mom, not the sibling.

OP, if you are actually the sibling, mind your business.

I was guessing OP was a spouse or significant other being a busy body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "his mom" and "my mom" and never "our mom" makes this all hard to read and take seriously. Something is off here like OP is trying to describe a situation not their own and not getting the language quite right.

+1.

I think OP is the mom, not the sibling.

OP, if you are actually the sibling, mind your business.

I was guessing OP was a spouse or significant other being a busy body.

Cousin? Maybe why she confused the moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

Just feel like there is not enough info here to give good feedback.

Your dad passed when you were teens right?

Why did older brother react more angrily? Is he diagnosed with anxiety/ depression/ LD for which he did not get help 20 years ago?

Was older brother required to take on more adult duties than he was ready for at that age?

Do mother and older brother just have incompatible personalities?

Why do think he overreacted?

+1