35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother revealed some startling information and your response is to gaslight him -- his reality could not exist because it did not happen to YOU too. Your second impulse is to shame him because your mother is 70 years old and should not have to deal with peoples' anger.

Both of your reactions are really off base here, which leads me to suspect that your brother has triggered some deep feelings in you that you are desperate to suppress. What happened in your family growing up? Why is it forbidden to express anger to your parents?

I agree. OP, I don't mean this meanly, but it seems like your overarching need here is to control interpersonal reactions between two other people, which "could" possibly mean you are codependent on your mother. I might explore that a little more in therapy.

I haven't liked my mother since I was 11. I wouldn't blow up at her, but stuff that happened in my tween years definitely caused trauma. And sometimes that comes to the surface. The last thing I will put out there is grandparents on both sides were alcoholics and my parents grew up in that mess.

I mention the next part only to show that very unhealthy things can be going on in your nuclear family dynamic that you might be unaware of: One of my old therapists told me my nuclear family was playing out roles of an alcoholic family, even though neither of my parents drank. It's just how they learned to interact with family members, and they passed that down to our generation.

If you can't deal with your brother's behavior (and you don't have to), put up appropriate boundaries on how or even if you interact with him. And stick to them. But trying to "fix" his behavior is a no-win situation.

[Anonymous]

Um, why are you gossiping here about your brother’s relationship with your mom? It’s none of your business. He didn’t ask for your input. Get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Asking him to leave was the right call.

I totally agree with you OP, but this is not your relationship to manage, it’s your mother’s. If this kind of behavior continues, I would refuse to be present when the two of them are together, especially if I have children. I wouldn’t want them to see their grandmother disrespected by a grown man in this way. There are better ways to handle anger and hurt feelings than using words like that especially in front of other family members, full stop.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mother has manipulated you and you've become so emeshed in her way of thinking and her views of how everyone in the family should act that you can't see anything else. I think you have a lot of emotional work to do, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

It's not abuse to reveal to your parent that you have hated them for many years. It's startling and it can be hurtful, but it's not abuse, OP. This is how people express their feelings. You sound very very uncomfortable with expression of real feelings. Like it or not, your brother is entitled to express deep negative feelings about his family. The family is not just a place for sunshine and lollipops.

I disagree. Screaming that out at a woman in front of others is abusive. It’s one thing to have a discussion privately, or write a letter to her about pain experienced in the past. It’s another to do this in a gathering to embarrass a person purposefully. He is an adult and should behave like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mother has manipulated you and you've become so emeshed in her way of thinking and her views of how everyone in the family should act that you can't see anything else. I think you have a lot of emotional work to do, OP.

Or the brother was out of line. We don’t know any of these people to judge. Either way, it’s not OP’s place to manage the fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother revealed some startling information and your response is to gaslight him -- his reality could not exist because it did not happen to YOU too. Your second impulse is to shame him because your mother is 70 years old and should not have to deal with peoples' anger.

Both of your reactions are really off base here, which leads me to suspect that your brother has triggered some deep feelings in you that you are desperate to suppress. What happened in your family growing up? Why is it forbidden to express anger to your parents?

I agree. OP, I don't mean this meanly, but it seems like your overarching need here is to control interpersonal reactions between two other people, which "could" possibly mean you are codependent on your mother. I might explore that a little more in therapy.

I haven't liked my mother since I was 11. I wouldn't blow up at her, but stuff that happened in my tween years definitely caused trauma. And sometimes that comes to the surface. The last thing I will put out there is grandparents on both sides were alcoholics and my parents grew up in that mess.

I mention the next part only to show that very unhealthy things can be going on in your nuclear family dynamic that you might be unaware of: One of my old therapists told me my nuclear family was playing out roles of an alcoholic family, even though neither of my parents drank. It's just how they learned to interact with family members, and they passed that down to our generation.

If you can't deal with your brother's behavior (and you don't have to), put up appropriate boundaries on how or even if you interact with him. And stick to them. But trying to "fix" his behavior is a no-win situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep saying 'his mom'? Is she your stepmom?

She is not my stepmom.

Your language here is weird. Is she your mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps, she was a crappy mom to him and was a better mom to you.

Np. Looks like you are projecting, pp. You cant know this unless you ate in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

You are too competitive and NEED badly to feel better than him. This and his anger is because of your mom's bad parenting. Enjoy your superiority complex of being the "good" sons. I was on your side until I read your post. Try to butt out or support him. You've known this man a quarter century and are still UNSURE if he was abandoned??? You obviously don't bother to hear his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

You are too competitive and NEED badly to feel better than him. This and his anger is because of your mom's bad parenting. Enjoy your superiority complex of being the "good" sons. I was on your side until I read your post. Try to butt out or support him. You've known this man a quarter century and are still UNSURE if he was abandoned??? You obviously don't bother to hear his side.

He is 35 years old. His explosive anger is for him to manage, not blame on mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps, she was a crappy mom to him and was a better mom to you.

+1

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He did this on his birthday. He was very upset about something his mom said and misinterpreted it. It got quite heated and he badgered her. Eventually, my other brother was smart enough to tell him to leave.

My other brother and I do not ever act this way towards her. We are both younger. We suspect he has anger management/impulse control issues and psychological issues (maybe abandonment). The issues with his mom go back to when he was in middle school.

Perhaps he should seek a therapist to help him control his anger management issues at the very least. He has gone to counselling with my mom in the past and I believe they have seen as least 3 counsellors. Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her.

You are too competitive and NEED badly to feel better than him. This and his anger is because of your mom's bad parenting. Enjoy your superiority complex of being the "good" sons. I was on your side until I read your post. Try to butt out or support him. You've known this man a quarter century and are still UNSURE if he was abandoned??? You obviously don't bother to hear his side.

He is 35 years old. His explosive anger is for him to manage, not blame on mom.

No he is 35 and realize what his mother did to him. He needs to cut off her and his toxic unsupportive family,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She treated us all the same in my opinion. We just do not respond the same way.

Is it appropriate to act this way towards a parent?

I have never seen this type of thing play out in other households.

It's played out in mine. My parents, especially my mother, were very different toward me v my sister, who was younger. MY mother had some trauma of her own that she recovered from eventually but not before it was passed on in part to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well is she a really bad person? A lot of families tend to excuse really bad, neglectful, or mean behavior from a parent because "that's just how mom is" or "dad means his best". They dont want to deal with it.

It's hard to know how to feel about this without knowing more details. But I do find it hard to believe that a really stellar, fantastic parent would raise a child who would say that to them or feel that way in the first place.

Perhaps family counseling is in order for the rest of the family and mom as well.

How to say "I'm an idiot when it comes to mental illness" without saying that outright.

I roll my eyes at a lot of stuff at DCUM but PP is definitely up there as far as dumb statements.