35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

And how should a grown woman act? You said your mom acts poorly... what does that entail? It seems to me your family has a long history of excusing some bad behavior from her but holding your brother's feet to the fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

And how should a grown woman act? You said your mom acts poorly... what does that entail? It seems to me your family has a long history of excusing some bad behavior from her but holding your brother's feet to the fire.

She is in her 70s and does not have the best health. She is likely starting to go senile and in many ways acts worse than she used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

And how should a grown woman act? You said your mom acts poorly... what does that entail? It seems to me your family has a long history of excusing some bad behavior from her but holding your brother's feet to the fire.

She is in her 70s and does not have the best health. She is likely starting to go senile and in many ways acts worse than she used to.

Okay...and what does that entail and has that entailed in the past?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP, that your brother should not act in a belligerent way towards your mom. He doesn’t have to like her or her behavior but he shouldn’t be aggressive or mean.

If he can get individual counseling, that could help him deal with his emotions. Unfortunately, you can’t control either of them. Asking him to leave was all anyone could do under the circumstances and if things were getting heated, was the right call.

[Anonymous]

Op-Your brother is 35. How old are you and your other sibling?

[Anonymous]

Quit inviting your brother to get togethers when your mother is there. If he wants to see/talk to your mother, he can initiate.

[Anonymous]

OP, every single child in a family has a different relationship with their parents. Every parent has a different relationship with their children. It's not for you to decide that your brother has no issues with his mother and is out of line.

It sounds like your role in the family is to be the perfect kid, never mess up, and "keep score" and "keep everyone in line." I'd examine why that is so fulfilling for you, and why you need to shame and scold others simply for having feelings of anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

It's not abuse to reveal to your parent that you have hated them for many years. It's startling and it can be hurtful, but it's not abuse, OP. This is how people express their feelings. You sound very very uncomfortable with expression of real feelings. Like it or not, your brother is entitled to express deep negative feelings about his family. The family is not just a place for sunshine and lollipops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every single child in a family has a different relationship with their parents. Every parent has a different relationship with their children. It's not for you to decide that your brother has no issues with his mother and is out of line.

It sounds like your role in the family is to be the perfect kid, never mess up, and "keep score" and "keep everyone in line." I'd examine why that is so fulfilling for you, and why you need to shame and scold others simply for having feelings of anger.

Agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Your mother shouldn't act poorly towards you. You get this right. You are blaming him because he doesn't ignore her poor behaviour and he shouldn't ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Your brother revealed some startling information and your response is to gaslight him -- his reality could not exist because it did not happen to YOU too. Your second impulse is to shame him because your mother is 70 years old and should not have to deal with peoples' anger.

Both of your reactions are really off base here, which leads me to suspect that your brother has triggered some deep feelings in you that you are desperate to suppress. What happened in your family growing up? Why is it forbidden to express anger to your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Is she perfect? Of course not, but we are never act this way towards her."

I find this statement telling. So basically youre willing to overlook and normalize her bad behavior? And you're angry at him for being unwilling to do so?

Yeah, this is what my husband’s siblings say. His parents were abusive and he is the only one who has maintained firm boundaries since leaving home. I have to wonder what the “misunderstanding” was.

He comes back to her again and again, even though he has a prior history. I try to limit my interactions but be cordial. He probably should have moved to a different city, state or country, but he hasn't

Why arent you answering any other questions OP, just trying to blame him?

I don't think a grown man should act that way. He acted quite abusive and I have seen this abuse before. I do not act abusive when my mom acts poorly to me. Neither does my other brother.

It's like everyone on this board has some kind of "never blame the child complex"

And how should a grown woman act? You said your mom acts poorly... what does that entail? It seems to me your family has a long history of excusing some bad behavior from her but holding your brother's feet to the fire.

She is in her 70s and does not have the best health. She is likely starting to go senile and in many ways acts worse than she used to.

Okay...and what does that entail and has that entailed in the past?

OP seems very reluctant to even reflect or explore at all her mother's behavior.

[Anonymous]

What did your mom say to him, OP?